Is this anything to be worried about?

[Hatty2020]

I have been with my partner for 2 years. He was married and has 2 children with his ex wife. They divorced about 10 years ago. He’s had a couple of relationships since and when I met my partner his ex wife was living with someone. When I first met my partner he was on friendly terms with his ex wife and messaged occasionally but not often. Fast forward a year and his ex wife is now single and this has seemed to open up more a friendship with them, she got my partner a birthday present this year (she didn’t last year) and messages him more and seems to ring him more about the kids. If this was how it was when we first met I might not be as bothered but I have sensed a shift and not sure what to think. She has met me a few times for 5 mins and seems nice enough. The kids are 19 & 22 so not babies.

No, if that's all you've noticed it would not give me any cause for concern. Her partner may have discouraged contact or she could have more free time now. They went to all the bother of divorcing and spent ten years apart, it is possible for two people to rekindle something but unlikely.

Not if you trust him. So now the kids are adults, he doesn't really need do much communication with her, how often are the messages? The presents, I wouldn't be happy about unless she bought them from her children to him but if she is 'after him' then it's her problem and time she's wasting probably because she's bored and single but if you trust your DH then don't worry about it. Could it be your picking up on it more on then normal because of your own fears?

I think in 10 years, if he was going to try to get back with her (or her with him) it would have happened before

I can't tell you how he feels about his ex but I do buy mine presents, we are still good friends and dp is very aware (he still gets on with his ex too) we actually were meant to be doing dinner this weekend but covid tier 3 put pay to that

I’m not sure what I’m uncomfortable with as I don’t think anything’s going. I think it’s just I’ve noticed a shift and I’m wondering what that means. I think after his first relationship ended (after the divorce) him and his ex “hooked up” but he said it was just company as they were both single and wasn’t with them intention of getting back together. Then they agreed it needed to stop and that was about 6/7 years ago. So his ex wife went back there even after he’d had a relationship with someone else. I don’t mind them being friends but I have reminded him that even though she’s now single he’s not. She might have more time to message him but it’s not for him to fill any void. I’m not sure exactly how much they message, I think if buying him a birthday present was something she has always done it wouldn’t have flagged anything for me, but why did she decide to this year? It was a present from her, not his kids.

*dont think anything’s going on

I wouldn't trust them at all . The kids ain't children either so no need to be texting about them all the time . Unfortunately they both still have feelings for each other . If they didn't they woundnt be texting all the time . He definitely wouldn't considering he's with you . I would tell him now that all this crap ends now or youl leave . If you don't be firm now this will end in tears . For you . I have been through this so I know

I don’t think they are texting all the time but I think they message more than they used to. He doesn’t ever see her on his own or anything, we live together and his kids accept us etc.

@dabbadabbadoooo what happened with your situation if you don’t mind me asking

I got with my ex not that long after he left his ex . They had been together years and had a little girl . They were texting all the time . Not even about the daughter . They then started sleeping together behind my back . I left but they didn't last . They never do . Once people go back after years of being apart it isn't ever the same . I hope this don't happen to you op . You really need to sit him down and tell him that it ends now x

He tells me his passwords to everything and leaves his phone lying around and even says will you just text such and such back for me if he’s in another room. I’m probably more private about my phone. But because the communication is more between them than it was when we first got together it’s making me feel uneasy for some reason.

@dabbadabbadoooo I think if he had split up from his ex wife recently I would think more of it. But it was 10 years ago they divorced, he actually left her and got with someone else quite quick after. But then when that ended he told me him and his ex wife did hook up about 6/7 years agonbut just for company as it was familiar and both single. I have raised my concerns him recently and he says if he goes round there on the odd occasion it’s because the kids have asked him to put something up / build something etc. I was absolutely fine with them being friends at first it’s just since she’s been single there seems to have been more contact from her that’s making me take notice.

You have nothing to worry about.

she is messaging more and trying to communicate more for her own reasons. Sounds like he is responding and nowt more.

So why not speak to him? Say you are a bit perturbed about it. you've been with him 2 years. The fact you come on a forum rather than speaking to him - that says stuff about your level of intimacy:
www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/podcast-ep-123-the-5-stages-of-relationships/

Maybe the person she recently broke up with put some limits on how much she could communicate with him?

@SilverRoe I think maybe she was just otherwise preoccupied and now she’s single & has more time to herself it’s opened up the lines of communication more. I’ve said to him I don’t mind them being friends but although her circumstances have changed, he’s still in a relationship so his communication should match his circumstances still.

@ChristmasFluff I have spoken to him as mentioned above and he has said it’s purely a friendship for the kids sake and he understood where I was coming from. But it’s nice to get a variety of views to see if this would bother anyone else.