Have I taken my new approach too far now? Please help!

[Whatsadays]

Started online dating after a truly horrific break up in January. I have had some terrible experiences with men, mainly where I’ve put my all in and they’ve abused that. All men who have been absolutely desperate for me to stay with them but have simultaneously treated me terribly with silent treatment and games etc. I also think I’ve been an idiot and missed some lovely men when getting involved with such horrible ones.

Anyway. I’ve had therapy. I’ve read lots of books about it all. I can’t pretend I’m not sad about being on my own and I don’t want to be alone but I am ok with it. And I’m ok enough that I don’t want another relationship like the last or ones before. I want someone who wants to settle down and someone who will compromise with me rather than leaving all the compromise to me.

So here I am online dating. Match with someone that seems nice, educated, intelligent, good job, attractive. We message for a couple of days and then he says he’s “not sure how long he will be in the area but he’s giving it a go for now!” And “He haven’t really decided where he will end up next! 😊”

On reading this I replied saying I thought he sounded lovely but in the interests of honesty, I was very settled and happy where I was so didn’t think we would be a good match.

He then deleted me straightaway and blocked me. I get it, I’ve just told him we are not a good match so of course he’s not going to be all singing and dancing with me. But... was my instinct right here? I want to settle down and I’m done moving to be with men and tying myself in knots trying to accommodate them and their schedules and also sick of wasting my time on people who are not even interested in settling down! Why match with me when my profile says looking for a relationship?!

I sound a bit crazy here I realise but I’m reasonably calm and reasonable usually, honest! I just feel a bit fed up and wondering if I went about this the wrong way or was what I said right and was my judgement on him right?

You absolutely did the right thing. Firstly you have saved yourself time and effort carrying on talking to someone who clearly doesn't know what they want. Secondly, the fact he blocked you tells you the type of man he is - pathetic.

Of course you were right. He is telling you he doesn't want a serious relationship probably just sex and the childish locking tantrum afterwards. He sounds like a complete idiot.

U done the right thing. I myself had a horrible history of men. A lot of long term relationship but it’s was basically me bending over to suit their needs or their time frames. Holding me back basically and those relationships would quickly become a night mare as we were wanting separate things in the long term.

Then I decided enough was enough and it’s now all about what will make me happy. So my pickiness went up and I started matching /messaging guys of tinder and told them straight I wasn’t looking to rush into anything fast but I wasn’t looking to be used either and as my main goal for dating was to settled down etc. It weeded out all the people that were wanting different things pretty fast . Eventually I did match with a guy who told me he wanted the same... slow and steady but his main goal was stability. Those messages turned to dates but still I put my job, studying , friends or just time I wanted for myself first for a while. I did reassure him of course that I did like him and he was the only person I was messaging /dating but that I did need to put myself first for a bit and I will see him maybe once a week to start. That guy is now my soon to be husband and we are having our first baby and live together. Those vital first few months /1st year of our relationship of me setting out my boundaries and goals long term wise really paid off and we are completely on the same page. Keep going and keep weeding out all those that aren’t looking the same thing as u are and someone will click. :) don’t lower what u want anymore to suit anyone else until it’s an established relationship where of course comprise needs to have a part also x

The great thing about knowing what you want and where your boundaries are is that you’re simply no longer of interest to people who might want to overstep those boundaries. It saves SO much time (and stress and heartache).
He was rude about it but that’s on him, there’s nothing you can do about his attitude. You’ve done everything right and now you’re free to move forward to the next possibility.

Absolutely did the right thing, when they say I'm not in the area long, this means do you want a quick hook up while I'm here so you haven't missed much.

He was preparing an out when you honestly said you were looking for a long term relationship he deleted you.

He was blatantly looking for a casual relationship if he wasn’t he wouldn’t have deleted you.

Well done you as you’ve saved yourself time and probably a lot of hurt feelings.

Carry on as you are.

Thanks for the reassurance! I think I was surprised he didn’t at least have the courtesy to say no problem, all the best or something like that!

He was the one who had been messaging someone who had said they were looking for a relationship, so if either of us were to feel irritated then it should have been me not him!

I also had someone who messaged me and I said I wasn’t willing to meet until we had spoken on the phone first. He said ‘what so I’m in a queue?’ I said no, I just don’t want to rush to meet someone when I have full days at work and we can get to know one another a little better by a short phone call first. He blocked me.

I also had someone call me and we had a nice chat but he told me he was ‘sick of being catfished by people who can’t keep themselves in shape.’ He followed this up by telling me i clearly wasn’t like that, I was beautiful and slim I genuinely felt a bit sick after that phone call. Slagging off other women isn’t a turn on - what the fuck is wrong with these men. I feel so shit about it all!

You are not wrong about any of these men, your instincts are correct! Stick with your beliefs and stay strong. It is hard though, there's some real idiots out there.

@Poppingnostopping do you feel that way also about the later ones I’ve mentioned?

I wonder if this is why I’m single!!!!

Your alternative to filtering out these gross blokes as you're doing quite rightly, is going out with them . I hardly think you want a relationship with Mr NastyComparisons or Mr Implyyou'repromiscuous.

It's not like you're dismissing them for no reason, you're dismissing them for showing unpleasant sides to their characters.

I've experienced the exact same things @Whatsadays

I think men view OLD as a sweet shop and if they don't get to hear what they want from one sweet, they move on immediately and generally rudely

Also it's relatively anonymous so they feel much braver than they would if they met you in a pub/club.

I find most of them abhorrent and I've almost given up - and sadly I see that as a positive 🙄😳

@greenspacesoverthere I’m feeling so fed up of it all

I used to feel that way too. I really do understand.

Oh my goodness, you are just early in the dating thing.

He doesn't know you, he's messaging loads of others (as should you be) so a message like yours - why would he respond? It's a 'feel like me might jive', you said 'no' - why would he not move on?

Think of everything before a date as purely 'introduction'. Until you have met, there's no need for niceties.

Are you really sure you are ready for dating though? You rejected him, and yet you are finding that hard to cope with. Please understand that you will be dealing with rejection, likely a LOT (not to do with you, just normal). Can you cope with that?

And I totally agree with you rejecting him - perfect choice.

Unlike the choices my fingers made above when typing. Hope all is clear anyway,

You're doing it PERFECTLY! You're letting the trash take itself out and sticking to your boundaries. Honestly, it may feel like you're meeting less people by doing this but the quality of them will be much higher when you do!

Think all the terrible things you want about him if it helps. You were looking for a steady relationship and who knows what he wanted, probably not even himself. You weren't what each other were after so he moved on. Maybe it would have been polite for him to say something but he didn't and as you'll probably never actually meet what does it matter. If you're doing old you'll get a lot worse than this. I doubt if you'd told us you closed the link and blocked anyone would have speculated on what a horrid person you were and how lucky he was to be rid. It's just how old seems to be, you need a thick skin and to be a perpetual optimist in the hope you'll find someone (it may happen)

So here I am online dating. Match with someone that seems nice, educated, intelligent, good job, attractive. We message for a couple of days and then he says he’s “not sure how long he will be in the area but he’s giving it a go for now!” And “He haven’t really decided where he will end up next

Sounds like he was just looking for something casual while he's in the area and if you had started up something with him and had sex with him he'd have been off somewhere else in no time at all.
It's alright to say no to someone for any reason at all. If it's not what you want politely end the conversation and move on.
Trust your gut instinct and don't let yourself think you're being too "fussy". It's better to be fussy and single than with someone completely wrong for you or end up having a series of short flings if that is not what you want. Nothing wrong with a few flings but if you know you're looking for a relationship it's a waste of time and energy and only leads to disappointment if you start hooking up with people only for them to disappear when it looks like getting more serious.

Do you have a type you always go for? I mean do you have a very specific set of requirements? I was a bit of a dating disaster. I met a man through friends and he was quiet and I thought he might be a bit ineffectual. I actually saw him subsequently dealing with a difficult situation and I discovered he was not at all ineffectual and he was actually very direct.

l told him though that he wasn't my type. He just laughed and told me that my type had been a great success so far.

Considering the last one went on a 6 week trip and married somebody else while away I thought he might have a point. I've been married nearly 30 years and he's been great - still brings me coffee in bed every morning.

You are doing great!! Just keep going.

From threads on here, and from friends IRL, old seems like a bit of a nightmare.

I think there is at least one long running dating thread on here, maybe have a look?

Yes you did the right thing.