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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I just possibly gave my dad the biggest bollocking of his life....

19 replies

FrightOwl · 20/10/2007 23:08

and i feel so much better.

he's a shit dad, always has been. i have ignored him for months (not that he's tried too hard to contact me). he's not nasty, has never shouted at me. he's just disinterested and knows bugger all about my life.

but i love him to pieces and called him to try and make amends. i wouldnt say we had a row...he told lots of lies, made lots of excuses and i ranted at him.

he said he would come to see me and we would have a proper talk. thats all ive wanted for years...but suddenly i feel five again...sitting on the wall waiting for him to turn up and being disappointed.

funny how these things are never quite buried. was a time when i thought if someone hurts you its better to pretend they dont exist but im not so sure. im doing the right thing aren't i?

OP posts:

VooJu · 21/10/2007 00:25

The truth can be painful but there is nothing wrong with being honest about your feelings.

Perhaps now is the time to accept him as he is and thus reduce the possibility of further diappointment?

Sorry just waffle really

bossybritches · 21/10/2007 00:35

FO do we have the same Dad??

I KNOW i should forget him.

I know I should NOT let him get to me.

But he's my Dad & whatever he does the silly old bugger STIL gets to me!!!

I'm 46 & he still has the ability to make me feel like that rejected 5 yr old child!

susiecutiebananas · 21/10/2007 00:41

Bloody hell! I was about to post alomst just what you did just then Bossy!

so wont repeat it... DITTO!!

susiecutiebananas · 21/10/2007 00:42

except the being 46 bit.. im a little bit younger than you.

bossybritches · 21/10/2007 00:43

wellmy Dad was a serial adulterer so we could be Sisters [shock}

amytheearwaxbanisher · 21/10/2007 00:44

i turn into a neglected 4 year old when it comes to my parents they have that all i wanted was a hug daddy power over us

susiecutiebananas · 21/10/2007 00:45

mine was too bossy... so we could be!

bossybritches · 21/10/2007 00:46

Gawd susie - mine lived in /around reading/maidenhead in Berkshire??!!

susiecutiebananas · 21/10/2007 00:56

mine lived in kingston upon thames. most of the time.

bossybritches · 21/10/2007 01:04

Not that far away then.......spooky!!

only found out last year. My parents had been amicably seperated for almost 20 years-then he got taken seriously ill. I discovered, he'd been having an affair for 10 years, not that it would have been a problem for my mum, or us, if he'd been honest with us all.

Then this year he springs it on us he's marrying this woman, fine he tells my mum (out of courtesy which we all respect him for) then proceeds to not invite any of his children to the wedding,(it's a quiet do thought you'd not want to come) but had 46 guests including some distant aunts & cousins.

I try VERY hard to say it's HIS choice HIS loss but somehow I am still that little girls rejected....

Pathetic eh?

susiecutiebananas · 21/10/2007 01:09

my dad married a Latvian he et on the internet 2 years ago... I was invited but, wish i hadnt gone. there were only about 10 of us there, and he ignored me ALL day.

so i do know how you feel... god they are shit arent htey? this is why i'm determined to 'help' my Dh's relationship with our girl. I cannot have her ending up with the probs I did becasue of such a bad relationship with her dad...

talking of which... Dd up and teething so must go... catch you tomorrow mybe sorry to scoot...

night night

susiecutiebananas · 21/10/2007 01:10

he met on the internet sorry typing too fast.

bossybritches · 21/10/2007 01:19

Night Susie!!

Original poster

FrightOwl · 21/10/2007 17:58

wow, thanks for responses, i watched this message sliding off the board last night!

he is a tosser. an expert at the guilt trip. i finally got tired of his lies and excuses after 24 years and told him i wanted nothing more to do with him. i dont know what changed last night...but he is my dad and i dont have so much family i can throw away.

he always makes me feel awful. that i havent been to see him (lives in the sticks with his other family), i cant get there. god he's used me as an alibi when he's been going to see his mistress...then when i do see my stepmom i get a rollocking because she thinks he sees a lot of me and that i dont bother to call him

am really wondering if ive done the right thing now.

OP posts:

micegg · 21/10/2007 18:07

I havent read all the messages so sorry if repeating anything. I havent spoken to my dad for a year. Parents divorced when I was 4 and after a very complicated childhood I was left with a pretty poor relationship with this so called father. He was OK given my parents difficult situation when I was a child but its as I got older he problems began. I wont bore with the details but basically I never felt part of his life.Despite living quite close by he made a slittle effort a possible to see me. There were several key events that changed things for me: asking whether my DD was my DHs baby in front of family at my sisters wedding (supposedly a joke), bullying me in the lead up to my wedding and then telling my sister he didnt see my DC because I wouldnt let him. The upshot? Havent spoken for a year and now feel better than ever. No more emotional power over me, no feeling like the abandoned 4 year old, no mor being let down. It had been hard for the last year but I wouldnt go back there again.

Original poster

FrightOwl · 21/10/2007 18:22

this is the worst part...a bully would be better. a bully i could easily tell to feck orf. but he is so...well nice.

he's talking crap, and i know this...but he's so nice with it.

oh grrrr. mum is an alcoholic and always blames it on me somehow.

dad is a bullshitter and blames it on me somehow.

i have tried so hard to be understanding with both of them.

without sounding like a huge whinger. i feel like a tennis ball. i want to have a normal relationship with them both (seperately of course), but its impossible

OP posts:

HairyIrene · 21/10/2007 18:47

frightowl
do you have any siblings?
anyone close who will understand them and situation?

fwiw i think i would try to talk to him but it might be worth looking into counseling to help yourself..

GryffinGhoul · 22/10/2007 20:15

FO, Bossybritches, Susie - are you my sisters?? i am one of four girls so it is entirely possible . I could have written this. In fact I nearly started the same thread when I came across this.

My dad disappoints us time and time again. He had countless affairs, had me lie for him/provide an alibi from a very early age, got us into debt and constantly, constantly let us down, did disappearing acts. But he was never violent or said unkind things, but is always so damn unreliable.

And he's my dad and I love him, so I keep coming back for more, helping him, sending him cards. He didn't turn up for my 18th birthday party even though he was bringing the drink, he dropped me off at nursery an hour late because he had been having a "liason" while I was sat, strapped in my car seat outside the house. I was that 5 year old girl sitting on the wall too and somehow it is all your fault for making a fuss.

How do you get over these dads?

GryffinGhoul · 22/10/2007 20:17

FO, Bossybritches, Susie - are you my sisters?? i am one of four girls so it is entirely possible . I could have written this. In fact I nearly started the same thread when I came across this.

How do you get over these dads?

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