Struggling with how I feel about myself

[darkinthemiddleofthenight]

I really need to process and understand my thoughts and feelings on this.

I met someone recently, shortly before lockdown2.

I dont have a very good relationship history. In fact its shocking. A litany of disastrous, emotionally and/or sexually barren/abusive liaisons spanning nearly 30 years.

I've had therapy but its left me with some pretty serious hangups that therapy has been unable to solve and I've no real understanding of what is ok or normal.

This man has not been anything other than kind and respectful to me. He keeps in touch daily and sends me photos of things he is up to when I'm at work. He is physically affectionate and verbally so well enough. I don't feel neglected or love bombed and I'm very sensitive to both. He doesn't say anything to make me feel insecure.

But I feel inadequate and inferior to other women in his life. He has a few hundred friends on fb equal numbers of men and women and I can't stop comparing myself to them. How they're prettier and slimmer than me... wondering how he knows them (many people he met travelling).

He has one friend who I know is a fairly recent ex (don't know how recent) and they seem to be in contact a lot on fb. She comments/likes/loves most of his posts and comments. And it makes me feel shit about myself. Which I know sounds ridiculous.

I can't really explain how I feel. Angry and hostile is about all I can identify. I won't interact with him on fb because I don't want to comment on a post she has commented on or like a post she has liked.

She is younger than me but I wouldnt say she is more attractive. It's not jealousy I feel but inadequacy.

I constantly feel I need to end it. But i always feel like that in any relationship because I compare myself to their more attractive female friends. I don't see how they could want me when they know so many more very attractive women. In some cases, I've known they fancy them but the women arent interested or are married.

I don't ever say anything about how I feel. They're my private thoughts.

Hundreds of Facebook friends only equates to hundreds of vague acquaintances.
Getting off Facebook would be a good start for you. You don't need it and it's clearly not doing you any good.
From what you've said, this man hasn't put a foot wrong. Seems like you're saying that you could only be a happy with someone who comes to you shrink-wrapped, with a guarantee that he's never been touched by human hand! Some of his friends will be more attractive than you - some of them won't - but he has shown every sign of wanting to be with you.
If you want to let festering jealousy spoil a burgeoning relationship - well, you're going the right way about it.
You've got 30 years of liaisons under your belt. Is he obsessing about them?

I just feel like I'm in competition with everyone and it's not a competition I'm ever going to win.

It's like having to be in the running race at sports day knowing you're always going to come last and not wanting to do it because there's no point.

I'm not jealous. I don't have a problem with anyone having female friends. I just feel inadequate.

I understand because I’m the same. It’s lack of self esteem. I’m struggling with this too. I’m constantly thinking of ending my marriage to head off the hurt when he inevitably cheats on me. I’m hostile and aloof to protect myself. I’ve been cheated on before and ghosted by people I thought I knew so I don’t trust any women at all. Period. I’m still working on this so don’t have all the answers but I’d say that the key is in boosting your self esteem. Find something you’re good at and do it.

OP you are investing time in past relationships/feelings and unhappiness.
This guy has friends, ex's, acquaintances. He's obviously the kind of person who is settled and having good relationships with ex partners is healthy. Trust me it's a rare accomplishment!

If you think about it, he's got all of these people, family, friends etc in his life, but he chooses you to be part of his life too, surely that tells you something?

I would get off Facebook, it's not healthy!

With regards to not sharing thoughts/feelings etc. It can be good at times, but keeping things so 'locked in' means you'll be quite emotionally unavailable. Sharing your life with someone means just that... Sharing! Time, feelings, views, opinions, love all manner of things.

Looking at all of the negative things, and letting that negativity seep into thoughts and feelings is going to create barriers.

Sometimes it is hard to see the good in ourselves, or feel we don't make the grade. The difficult thing is, if we don't have the ability to care about ourselves, it's hard to expect others to. Hence the behaviour of others towards you in your past.

It sounds like you've got a caring, respectful man there. He's with you because he wants to be, but he can't validate you, you have to do that for yourself. In a new relationship, it should be about excitement and discovering new feelings. When you've had bad things happen it's hard to see the good, but if we avoid the good and create barriers, it'll pass is by.

I think as you get to know this guy ( which is probably proving difficult due to Covid/ lockdown s) you'll be able to open up and tell him how you really feel, he in turn can do the same)
I really hope it goes from strength to strength, it sounds like you need some happier times, and memories)
Good luck!

strangertimes

It's not the women I don't trust. Or the exes. It's not even that I don't trust the man (although I've good reason not to from past experience), it's more that I feel I'm the consolation prize and I dont have a single past experience to suggest otherwise and that makes me feel shame and embarrassment for them. I feel uncomfortable and never quite sure how I'm supposed to behave in public or around them.

My self esteem in other respects is good. It's just that I never feel im good enough in a relationship.

Groovinpeanut

Thank you. That is helpful.

I tell myself al the things you've said but I struggle to remember them sometimes.

He's obviously the kind of person who is settled and having good relationships with ex partners is healthy.

I know that in theory. But it still makes me feel that I'm in competition; that I've got to be better than them somehow.

With regards to not sharing thoughts/feelings etc. It can be good at times, but keeping things so 'locked in' means you'll be quite emotionally unavailable

I've been told I'm 'distant' before but when I've tried to be vulnerable it hasn't worked either and it's perceived as 'needy' or used as ammunition. And that's only been in terms of sharing how i feel about myself.

I wouldn't expect anyone to give up a friendship for me, I'd rather just leave the relationship. I don't know why he and his most recent ex split up. Just that they did.

I don't want to appear insecure.

Every relationship I've ever had, or tried to have, has been short-lived/unpleasant/abusive/unfeeling. I dont have a single positive relationship experience. So I feel that every relationship I enter is destined to end up on the "bad" pile, whilst there are none on the "good" pile.

There's a sense of inevitability about it.

I don't want to get off facebook. It's the only interaction I have with many of my friends and I keep in touch with hobbies etc through it. I'd be very isolated without that contact with the outside world.

Fair enough about not wanting to get off facebook but remember it's just like a massive virtual pub, you can't talk to everyone in there, nor would you want to. A lot of people in there are having really boring conversations, and you can swerve the show offs and overconfident look-at-me types just like most people would in RL?

Oh I dont have anyone like that on there anyway. But my friends aren't really the issue.

His arent either really. It's just the constant commenting and interaction he has with a particular ex. I dont know if it's a problem but it makes feel shit.

I've asked him if there's anything I should he aware of there. He said no but then he would do! 🤷🏻‍♀️