Would it actually kill my Mum to say "thank you" to me occasionally?

[feesh]

She is a sprightly 70 something. We have an OK but slightly strained relationship and live in different countries.

I have noticed in recent years (because it's a bit painfully obvious when I have young kids who I am trying to teach good manners to) that she rarely, if ever, says "thank you" to me. Y'know, for little things like holding a door open, or bringing her a cup of tea or picking something up that she's dropped. It's like the words are stuck in her throat. I've called her out on it before, and embarrassingly (for her), so has my eldest, who is 7. She doesn't say "please" either.

Anyway...she is coming to visit soon and I've had to make special arrangements for her to quarantine (she can't quarantine with me for personal reasons). I've rented her a room for two weeks. Today, I did a big online shop for her and have been going round borrowing various bits and bobs from friends so that she will be comfortable in her little "prison" (eg toasters, a little fridge etc).

I just sent her a WhatsApp with a map and all the info about where to go to get the key etc. And at the end, I sent her a copy of the shopping order so she'd know what food and toiletries I've put in there for her. And then said that I'd manage to borrow a toaster and kettle etc off friends so she won't have to live off cold food. I've thought of EVERYTHING so that she won't have to worry about a thing. I was just thinking how I would feel going into a similar situation and what kinds of things I would want and would worry about (and it doesn't come from trying to please her - I would have done the same for anyone in the same situation).

And....nothing. Not a single thanks. Just a sarcastic comment about how much food there is (after the first WhatsApp detailing the shopping list), and "thanks for the info I'm sure I will be able to find it" (referring to the directions in the 2nd whatsapp). A final WhatsApp about how I'd managed to borrow a toaster, kettle and fridge has been totally ignored.

Does anyone else have a parent who does this? What is it all about?! Is it because she likes to play the martyr and cannot handle having someone else do something for her? Because it has REALLY wound me up. I can understand (sort of!) her almost choking on saying the words, but to not be able to type a quick thank you just boggles my mind.

To be honest I think you’re doing too much for her. Let her sort this type of stuff out for herself

But how would she do it herself? This is a foreign country - and she's not allowed out when she's in quarantine.

Is she rude to other people too, or just you?

Just me.

Very odd indeed and extremely bad manners. I can only put it down to the parent dynamic, she maybe doesn't want to acknowledge any change in the power/responsibility in your relationship, by being grateful for it. I am sure she would thank a friend who had done similar.

(BTW, Thank you, on behalf of your Mum, you have been very thoughtful).

You've been really kind and so have your friends. She sounds a right misery! At least you won't have to see her during those two weeks. Is she going to stay with you over Christmas and the new year?

So she treats everyone else better than she treats you? Thats really sad. As a minimum i'd be expecting basic please and thank you and i'd treat her like a child and say "whats the magic word?" if she asked for anything and "what do you say" if I gave her anything. Really I would, it works.

@CrumbsThatsQuick I think you might be right with your analysis actually - it's something to do with not wanting to see me as a separate adult, I think. I don't really feel like I am a person to her, if that makes sense.

And yes @HollowTalk she is staying with us after quarantine. I will definitely be pulling her up on it all the more now @StephenBelafonte as this WhatsApp exchange has really crystallised her behaviour in my eyes.

Instead of being proud and chuffed that you're thoughtful and capable, she is envious and uncomfortable with it.
I wouldn't raise it bc it is very unlikely to end with her acknowledgement.
In front of your kids I would give her the same sing song "oops you forgot the magic word" as you would do to them or slightly sarcastic "you're welcome"
She is probably very impressed by your life but for some reason has displaced envy.

I'd stop bothering making such an effort for her if she doesn't appreciate it.

I think I'd very quietly say to her, after the first time, when others weren't in the room, I don't know if you've noticed Mum, but in this house, we are very hot on manners, and everyone is expected to do the basics of please and thank you.

Anyone who doesn't do that, and I do mean anyone, will be reminded that we are required to say please when we ask for something, and thank you, when we get someone. This means you too. I know you'd find that embarrassing, so I hope you will remember to do so in future.

I know its hard but don't take this personally. You have much nicer manners than your Mother. Do it out of a sense of duty and be the better person. She sounds rude, miserable and entitled.

I'd actually cancel her forthcoming visit to you in your country of residence (is it the UK?). There is a reason why your relationship with your mother is poor and that is because of your mother's overall attitude towards you, no wonder you describe your relationship as strained. That is why.

Read about fear, obligation and guilt a lot more and see how much of that applies to you in relation to your mother. Don't keep on knocking yourself out like you've been doing for such an ungrateful person because she will not appreciate it and perhaps even sees you as weak. This is who she is and its not your fault she is like this.

Regardless of where you live now I would still cancel her forthcoming visit particularly if she is going to at all stay with you for any length of time post isolating (which she may well not decide to do at all anyway).
Your mother has not changed and will not further ever become the nice kind and polite person you perhaps so still want her to be.

"cannot handle having someone else do something for her"
This I would think. She can't accept the fact that she needs help.
Any little piece of help or 'niceness' is taken as the other person thinking she is 'weak' and exposing her vulnerabilities.
Had she a very domineering father by any chance?
Was she sensitive and caring as a mother or was she very distant and avoidant?

If you have to have her to visit, sit her down on arrival and tell her she is setting a terrible example of bad manners to your children.
Insist that she says please and thank you whenever appropriate, and warn her that you will pull her up on it every time she fails to.
Point out that consideration, civilised manners and polite behaviour are for everybody, including her. And you are not going to tolerate being ill treated any longer.
If she doesn’t like it, she can go home early. Win/win!

Hello OP, have been through similar, my mother didn't say thank you for years, despite instilling saying than you as a pavlovian response in her own children! It's a shame, as instead of looking forward to shared family times, and her being with her grandchildren for Christmas, you are seething. This stuff can really get to you.
Presumably your good manners come from your upbringing, so you may be able to bring the discussion up in an indirect way, mentioning how she brought you up and how well that's served you in life, how you want your children to behave in the same way and have good examples around etc. And then tackle the subject directly if you feel it's right. You may not be able to have the discussion just for yourself and putting it from the grandchildren's perspective may make broaching the subject easier and less emotional. Your children will see that your mum isn't treating you well, so I would definitely discuss it with them at some point too.
From my experience, I now believe that this behaviour comes from a deep place of feeling unloved, underappreciated, not useful or lonely, or a fear of becoming dependent. She may not acknowledge/be conscious that she feels this way. She may feel that saying thank you to you would mean that she's become dependent, can't manage her life anymore. She may be afraid that saying thank you would mean acknowledging her vulnerability, to herself. This may be completely subconscious. I know it sounds mad and ungrateful, because you are the one she can depend on. But that's precisely what brings those unacknowledged feelings and fears up.
Depending on your relationship with her and whatever she would be receptive to, you could make clear that you are pleased to see her, love her, want her to be comfortable, actually say it and not just show it through your actions. She may need to hear it.
That said, none of this should give her permission to not treat you well. I would say do whatever means that you'll be able to enjoy Christmas together, but do it, don't sacrifice your feelings for the sake of other people's enjoyment, including hers.

Miserable old cow. You sound lovely and thoughtful, and she doesn't deserve you