I'm worried my brother is going to commit suicide and I can't do anything

[UtterlyHelpless]

This is potentially outing so I have NC. It is a long story, so please bear with me.

We've never been close and have had several years of no speaking. I don't really like him - he's very arrogant, abrasive and is one of those people who has rewritten history and genuinely believes it. He lived with my dad for a long time, but a couple of years ago he moved to Oz on a travelling visa. I saw him just before - I was the first person he phoned when he thought his GF was pregnant (and I'm not really sure why) but it turned out she wasn't. He had been out of contact with my mum for years but asked me if I could help them reconnect - so I did.

After Covid became a problem, he started posting a lot of information on FB about this pandemic is the worse that's ever happened and the world is ending. I replied to one (and only one) such comment with a link to the Spanish flu. He blocked me on all SM afterwards. He also blocked my dad and all of my dad's family.

I've been quietly keeping an eye on things anyway through a fake account and his statuses have escalated to youtube videos. I have been dipping in watching them over the past few months. Since August, he's been convinced the rapture is coming and the world will end in a couple of days.

This comes from mum. She used to talk about revelations and everything that would happen when we were younger. It caused me an awful lot of anxiety growing up and it took me a long to time to break away from it. I am now a very firm atheist. My brother has always believed but has dipped in and out - the statuses and videos all coincide from the time I helped to reconnect them.

The videos are concerning me. He keeps talking about how he can't wait for the rapture to come - how he's praying for it, etc. The latest video he talks about how he has no home (lives in a car), turned down for benefits as in between visas, not able to get a job, no possessions, no family except his mum and GF (he says this is not his fault but conveniently forgets that he blocked everyone). There is an extreme desperation in his videos. I am convinced he is depressed and this way of thinking is making it worse.

I am increasingly worried that when the world doesn't actually end, he will do something. I might be wrong, but I'm really concerned.

I am no contact with my mum. I do have her number and could raise my concerns but she would bat them away and tell me I need to repent and what he's saying it true. My mum also has severe MH issues and is generally quite unstable too. DB has comments disabled on youtube and FB (so no chance of posting anonymously), and even if I could get in contact I don't think he'd listen to me. He isn't open to discussion - his preaching is very much "this is THE TRUTH and don't criticise me - educate yourself". In fact he'd probably bully me about not believing.

There's a part of me that thinks I need to step away, disengage with it all and accept that it's entirely out of my control - but if anything happens - how do I live with that knowledge?

I don't know if I'm asking for advice or just want to get it out - but if you have read this, thank you.

Hi op, I don't think I have any words of wisdom but just giving this a bump.

It does sound worrying and I can tell you're concerned for him. Based on what you've said about your DM, I don't think I'd raise it with her because I think she'd be of no help.
I'm not really sure who you should tell though, sorry op. I hope someone else comes along soon with some good advice.

It sounds distressing? Is he actually living in his car? I take it you have no idea where? You could ask the police to do a welfare check and I've he information you do hav.... and I have known of someone who wrote to the doctor of a relative expressing concern over mental health? Could you do either of these?

I'm sorry no one else has responded as I don't know what else to offer. You obviously care a great deal but ultimately we cannot control what other people do.... So you need to let go of the feeling that you are responsible. If you are able to pass these worries onto an authority or person better placed to do something then I would advise that, otherwise just try to look for an avenue that might open up and you can offer help, but don't put your own mental health at risk either. You are not responsible for nothing your bother does.

Brother

I second what a PP says. You are not responsible for the choices your brother makes. All you can do is report your concerns.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

Sweetheart, it's not your fault, you can't stop him from doing what he wants to do.

I say this as a mother who's son took his life. I say this as an ex wife who's ex husband tried to help when I wanted to take my life.

Yes of course we can try to speak to the person, we can try to help. But if they want to die then they will, nothing you say or do will help. Unless you get him committed to hospital and get him treatment. And even then, nothing is certain.

It's not your fault, don't feel guilty.

Thank you all.

No, I have no idea where he is. I don't even know the general area in Oz he is living. He does have his GF (she is also living in the car with him but she does have a job), but she shares his beliefs. I don't know to what extent though as I've never met her.

I think some of my responsibility stems from reconnecting him with my mum. I didn't expect it to escalate like this and I partially feel like it's my fault.

Writing to the doctor may be a good shout. They may be unable to do anything, but there's a chance they might contact him or if he's registered at a surgery in Oz, forward it on (I'm not sure). But it's probably better than nothing.

Please write to the doctor as then you will have done something proactive that may not change the outcome but will help you feel that you did something.

I also recommend getting your own help with this professionally. There must be a lot in your life that links to feelings of responsibility given your comments and upbringing with a mentally unwell parent.

@AwesomeSauce4 I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through but thank you so much for your kind words. You are ultimately right, and I know this. I'm just scared, I think.

I think writing to the doctor will be useful if they know his whereabouts and can maybe do a welfare check.... But it will be something and it means that you have reached out for help for him in some way....

Reconnecting your brother with your mother was his choice, he asked you to make it happen. All you did was facilitate his wish, he is an adult and it would have been wrong to try and control the situation any other way. And he may have ended up in the same position if they hadn't reconnected with you thinking maybe things would be different if they had.....

You've done nothing to feel bad about, your brother has a sister who cares about him and worries for him. That's a good thing.

Hard as it is, I think tell him clearly you are very concerned about his MH. Then you have done your best. Can you do a bit of detective work and find som eof his friends/associates. He must be living off more than fresh air.

I just thought I’d provide a bizarre update. His latest video sounds less depressive and more manic, the world is going to end in Dec, etc - but he actually gave his email address in it to find likeminded people who want to group and ‘spread the gospel’.

I think I will email him but I don’t know whether to do it from me, or if I do it anonymously as he might be more receptive that way.

I have a lot of work background experience in MH though not qualified beyond MHFA, so I have know how to open the conversation but I’m a bit worried my personal connection is going to make this more difficult.

Would anonymous be better in this scenario - perhaps coming in as a ‘believer’ but that I’m still worried about him? I don’t know.

Knowledge*

I have read your posts although not the replies. In answer to your question I think it's a tough one. I think if you are honest and say who you are and if it goes wrong then you will come to terms with that easier than if you made out you were someone else and tried to talk to him and that went wrong ... . If he does find out about the subterfuge amidst everything else it could lead to a bad place. I would write as you, but be light and just ask one or two questions, maybe give him some updates on your life ... Say you miss him? Just to get a response if some kind.... I know it's hard though as he might not reply and change his email address....

I'm curious as to why you thought reconnecting your mentally unstable brother to your mentally unstable mother would go well? You've shaken the religion and broken away from her yourself, which is good, however, your bro still believes and maybe it would of been better for him to keep away from her? That said, they are all adults, perhaps you'd be better off not being so involved in the drama of it all.

Opentooffers just out of curiosity - if one of your family members asked to speak to another, would you defy the request? What else was I supposed to do - as you say, they are all adults.

The fact is, at the time I didn’t think anymore of it other than them wanting to reconnect. Why would I? I didn’t even realise my brother was out of work at that point. My brother asked. I asked my mum if she wanted to speak to him and if I could pass her details on - she agreed.

I don’t want to be involved, if I’m honest. But I also feel really unsettled sitting on the sidelines knowing something is wrong and not doing something proactive. I am really uneasy about contacting him but he is still my brother. I don’t necessarily want a relationship with him, but I also don’t want him to harm himself.

When I was younger (pre-teen age), I used to sneak in his room every night to check he was still breathing. I was so scared that if I didn’t, he would die. I don’t suffer that same kind of anxiety anymore, but there’s still a part of me that feels like I need to be ‘responsible’ for him.

I think you were taught as a child to be codependent and that is one of many damaging lessons you learnt about relationships. You are not responsible for the choices or actions of another person. I would also now stop looking at any social media he puts out there too. You have no influence over him and you do not know where he lives.

Remain no contact with your mother, she is neither of use nor ornament here and her behaviours have caused you both harm as her now adult children.

Sounds like your brother just wants love and affection but has absolutely no idea how to ask for it.

If it was my brother I'd message him, tell him I loved him, and tell him I'd find him help if he wanted it.

Then I'd be at peace knowing I'd done everything possible.