Have I just sabotaged a new relationship due to raging PMT?!

[Hattifatteneners]

Ok maybe a slightly weird one. Just need a bit of a vent/moment of misery, but there are a couple of questions in this...

I started OLD and met a guy. We have had three dates, which I know is nothing, but the chemistry was really amazing. Talking and laughing for hours, lots of kissing, but I said I wasn't ready to take it further in terms of sex too soon which he respected and there was no pressure. He was quite forward and I did struggle a bit with his flirting (I posted last week about this) but having only been a year out of a rather joyless marriage which culminated in him going off with an ow I have been trying to just enjoy the flirting.
I didn't see him for a few days after our last date and in that time I seem to have had a complete meltdown. Overthinking things, no idea where my head is at. Focusing on negatives etc. I have small children and was really struggling with the disconnect between an exciting new thing and being 'mum' again the next day. I ended it by text with a basic explanation (trying not to sound totally unhinged).
But basically I know that the two days where I was feeling shocking were the two days preceding my period and I was just in this fog of misery.
I now feel really gutted.

I think there was some basis in truth in that I was struggling with having the headspace for the new guy and being a mum. I certainly feel guilty about it.

Should I just take it that I am maybe not really ready for a relationship?
Is it a normal struggle when starting out dating with small kids?

I am sure the feelings will pass and I will feel less gutted, we were in quite different places (e.g. he didn't have kids) but I just feel very sorry for myself today and am worried that I will forever be sabotaging future relationships.

Hopeful bump for the evening crowd...

I think there are a few factors here. It’s a year since your marriage broke down...although you describe it as a joyless marriage, the way it ended must have been really difficult. It takes a while to enjoy relationships again given that ending.

The children...absolutely. I’m sure they will be a factor in the way you are feeling. You have responsibilities to them and maybe something quite frivolous just feels wrong right now.

The man himself. Perhaps your gut is telling you something. When a man is forward with me I find it quite a turn-off. It feels like pressure and I don’t want that pressure.

I think there are many factors here and maybe he is just not right for you! And that is perfectly ok.

No advice re having kids and dating OP, but didn’t want to read and run. I found after I came out of a long term abusive relationship, the dates in the first year even with nice people made me feel weird and guilty and anxious. I definitely wasn’t in the right head space. I took a good two years off to be single, and once I started again I was in a much better place and made good decisions about who I did and didn’t want to keep seeing.

Hope you are enjoying life free of your joyless marriage and refinding yourself! It’s a weird but great period. 💐

Really sorry to hear you're feeling so crap at the moment - it does sound like a dilemma. Just a thought and it may not be the right course of action, but how did he respond when you ended it? Just thinking that if you were to explain why you think you made the decision to end it to him, he might be receptive and understanding? I can't help on whether it's normal to feel conflicted when you have children, but hopefully someone else will be along to assist with that!

and I hope you feel better soon.

Oh, and glad to hear you're out of that 'joyless marriage'!

@Octopus17 thank you. I think there is something in my gut about him. He came across as very into me and there were loads of compliments, which made me feel amazing and I suppose that is a bit like a drug, especially when I haven't had anyone flirt with me or make me feel like that for ages. I must say, rightly or wrongly I was concerned that if we had sex he may lose interest or become a slightly different person, but I am sure there are some trust issues on my part.

@AmandaHugenkiss I am sorry you experienced an abusive relationship. Thank you for your response. I think only in hindsight do I realise how miserable the relationship was and the last few weeks have opened my eyes to a whole set of new feelings. When exH left I swore myself off dating for at least 18 months, but I am so bloody lonely and I love having someone to share things with. But I think you're right, a bit more time may be needed.

@NonsensicalHair he sent a really nice, understanding message saying he has enjoyed getting to know me, hopes I get to a better place and that he is there for me if I ever need anything. It would've been easier if he had told me to piss off

I’d be wary of anyone who comes across as intense. Interested, yes? Intense, not so much. Perhaps it was just too much too soon. It would be for me. Sounds like you could do with easy company, friendship, a person to spend time with and do things with but without the intensity of a relationship where you feel there is an expectation to move things forward. That way romance can grow gradually. A lot of dating can feel very rushed and as though you should be moving things forward at pace. Too much!

Are meet up groups an option (difficult at the moment I know) but a good chance to make new friends of both sexes in a really friendly and casual way?

@Octopus17 I think you're right. I was starting to feel there was this imminent expectation which was too much. I wasn't expecting to meet someone I clicked with quite so much so early into dating, so the pressure felt double. It's easier to pull back if there is no spark in the first place, I guess which is why I am in this quandary.

There is a limited choice of meetup groups round here. I really enjoy walking so that at least should be an option with a group fairly soon. I think Covid has pushed me down the OLD route rather than just doing hobbies and meeting people more organically.

On a side note I am going back on my pill which should hopefully sort out the extreme lows I seem to have just before my period and I have also arranged to chat to a counsellor about moving forward. I think I am potentially a bit vulnerable so need some strategies!

A walking group sounds brilliant and a good way to spend time with other people...sharing a mutual interest etc. I don’t think I could go back to OLD. There was a thread on here recently about OLD which put me off! There’s often a sub-text and expectation that if you meet, and ‘click’ it will automatically lead to sex.

It can be hard to meet people organically but, depending on where you live, meet up groups can be a good way of socialising with a mix of people and going to new places which could fulfil your desire for company and combat that loneliness and isolation. Perhaps it’s too easy to think that what’s missing is a partner when it is really friends (of both sexes) and things to do that interest you.

You are right about COVID though...there hasn’t been the opportunity to socialise with people face to face and so we have been pushed down the online route!

The experience you had with your marriage will have had an impact I’m sure. I know when I experienced a relationship breakdown and ended up dating, I tried to make it work with a couple of people who weren’t right for me and I wasn’t ready. You want to be ready, we all do but be kind to yourself and go gently! I’m sure talking with a counsellor about accepting where you are at right now will be a good thing. Self-compassion is key.

Maybe just write and say roughly what you did at 20.28 and that you need to go slow. He can take it or leave it.

I think there was some basis in truth in that I was struggling with having the headspace for the new guy and being a mum. I certainly feel guilty about it

The guilt and headspace comments really resonate with me..

Extreme lows I seem to have just before my period

Do you mind me asking which one OP as this resonates with me also 🙃👀

As in which pill, sorry that wasn't very clear 😁

If he was fast forwarding, typically these guys are just after one thing, there have been an abundance of threads on this board about it.
Not in every case, but likely.

The intense love bomb is also a flag for abusers.

You would be feeling doubly shit if you jumped into bed with him and he went cold.

May be not that you are not ready, but not ready for him!
Try out some other dates and get used to dating before jumping in with the first guy.
Even if we feel attracted, we don't have to go there.
Shop around.

His behaviour sounds like he just wanted to get in your pants. Your sixth sense picked this up hence the uncomfortable feelings etc. even though on a conscious level you weren't aware of it. You made the right decision breaking it off.

@Closetbeanmuncher I am on the mini pill (usually cerazette). It doesn't suit everyone, and what will happen is I will probably plateau at a slightly lower level mood-wise but at the moment that is preferable to all the other symptoms I get.

@Onacleardayyoucansee I did wonder whether there was a bit of love bombing. Very attentive on the texts, sent me loads of music, spoke about all the nice places we would go (which I knew was a bit pie in the sky when I have my DC 70% of the time).

Maybe I do just need to go on a few dates with other people to get a sense of what I actually want and need, but I will leave that for next year now!!

I think I would listen to your gut on this one - it sounds like he was quite full on, too quickly, which is a red flag 🚩.

There's no hurry and it's better to throw fish back if you're not sure about them than find out they're rotten by experience.

Talk is cheap.
Judge him by his actions not his intentions.
You've not lost out, only on a bit of sex which you can live without.
Saying also "I'm here if you need anything" is a bit from an Internet stranger.

Sort your pill out and meet someone more compatible.

Thanks Hattie I think I may give it a whirl.

I think you knew in your gut that something wasn't quite right personally, you'll know when you know and no amount of pmt will sway it.

It's good that he was respectful, but I don't think men without children appreciate the logistics sometimes. They will also never have that 'number one spot' in your life because ultimately you will put your child's needs before anyone else's.

I totally understand the guilt but wanting to have a life outside children does in no way make you a bad mother, remember that. 🙂