New partner and integrating each other into life?

[Bioss]

I've had a new partner for 8 months now. We met at work so knew each other long before. He was very forward at the beginning talking about future etc. Things are going very well but it feels things have slowed down lately. He has a DD who I have met but only once. Before that we had many discussions about meeting each others kids with him saying that time has to be right and there is no rush etc. Although I believe the same that there is no rush, I think things like meeting kids should be without pressure. He seemed to be putting a lot of pressure on the situation.

I haven't dated much after divorce and am used to relationships being a bit quicker I suppose. He has met my kids a few times, just short visits at the park and they think he is just a friend. He asks me loads about my kids all the time but I get the feeling he is not interested in integrating our lives together in the near future, more like years down the line. He talks about the future loosely and I am seeing his parents at Christmas but I am starting to think he may not be as serious about me as I am for him. I would like another baby and marriage and he said he is open to both these things but again never talks about anything like this. I know 8 months isn't long at all but perhaps it feels much longer as we have known each other for years. I do suffer from anxiety so maybe I am worrying about nothing. But at the same time I get the feeling he doesn't want our kids to meet anytime soon etc. Where to go from here?

8 months is far too soon to be thinking about intergrating lives especially where children are involved.

In an ideal world you'll be together forever but what if you're not and the children have got close and then one day its all cut off.

Take your time and enjoy the relationship for what it is.

I agree with the above. It's far too soon to be integrating DC. Come back to it in another year or so if things are going well.

Agreed. I've been with my dp for 11 months now, we both have dc. His are under 10 mine are older teens.
We haven't met children and we haven't blended lives really.
Mine know he exists because I go out but his are unaware and I see him when they are with their mum
Who also doesn't know about me.

I think relationships post divorce and with dc involved do go much slower than the heady days when you only had to think about yourself and i have had to adjust to that thinking.
Its the right thing to do though.
8 months really is a short amount of time.

8 months is fast to be meeting kids etc. I think it’s probably best to slow it down until you’re really secure in the relationship.

8 months is a little soon to be thinking of having more kids with him! How old are you? Do you feel you’re limited by your age?

I’d wait till about a year and a half at least, maybe two, before full integration. You’re already seeing his parents at Xmas which is a big and important step. I’d just chill and enjoy for now. No rush needed

8 months is too early. I also agree with waiting 2 years...not just for integration with the kids but, by then you will have a good handle on what he is like in a relationship.

He's being sensible and you're thinking too fast - talking about having a baby with him is silly 8 months in when there are already kids involved. An in passing yes / no to having more kids in principle I can understand, but talking about having one together or the practicalities of things sounds way too soon at 8 months in my opinion. He sounds like he's being sensible which is a good thing, hopefully a sign he's a good one!

Thanks all, makes sense. I think it feels much longer as I have known him for some years. @wimhoffbreather yes limited by age as just turned 40 so time not on my side for potential future kids

I don’t think 8 months is necessarily too long, but it depends a lot on the previous relationships and age of the DC. If you’re a single mother of younger DC, for example, it would be impossible to go long without introducing your DC to a new DP.
If kids are still coming to terms with separation in previous relationships, it’s another story

@billi77 my DC are younger than his. Mine dont remember separation as still babies at that time. His DD doesn't remember either.

I do understand why people say wait. At the same time I feel I am leading separate lives - one as a mum to my kids, the other as his partner. Not much middle ground iyswim.

[quote Bioss]@billi77 my DC are younger than his. Mine dont remember separation as still babies at that time. His DD doesn't remember either.

I do understand why people say wait. At the same time I feel I am leading separate lives - one as a mum to my kids, the other as his partner. Not much middle ground iyswim.[/quote]
8 months is a boyfriend rather than a "partner" You sound very prematurely invested in this relatively new relationship, especially as you've been dating during lockdown/social distancing.

Also remember your kids don't see him the same way you do at all. They already have their dad (even if they don't see him regularly), they're not looking for any other man in their lives at all.

As a child of divorce myself, I can assure you that having a man who's unrelated to me and who I didn't choose, start to integrate into my life was not my priority or desire in any way, shape or form. It's very disruptive from a child's point of view having an unrelated man become attached to, and invariably change the dynamic of the family unit you've known since birth and is NOT what children thrive on.

You're both still in the honeymoon period and your current boyfriend is completely on the right track. Sounds like he's trying to put his children first (which is a nice change from a lot of other men!). As with any man, it's also true he may not see marriage or long term with you which is why my advice would be to mirror what he puts into the relationship and don't 'give' too much compared to him.

@Rybvita I thought I was too old to have a "boyfriend"

I do understand. My kids have their dad and I'm not looking for a replacement figure. More about forming a new type of set up where we are more involved in each others lives.

Good advice about mirroring. Perhaps I need to step back a bit and have a think about it all

@Bioss

Thanks all, makes sense. I think it feels much longer as I have known him for some years. *@wimhoffbreather* yes limited by age as just turned 40 so time not on my side for potential future kids

Don’t let your bio clock take over here - you still have time and you need to make sure he’s the right guy for you. 8 months is the blink of a eye!

My mum had my brother at 44 and my BILs partner just had a baby at 43. There’s still time.

I have to disagree with a lot of the responses. I think 8 months is long enough to know if you are serious about someone and see a future - especially if you have known them for a good period of time prior to going out - and if you want more kids, at 40 the biological clock is ticking - that's a fact.

However, your priority has to be your own kids. It would not be fair on them to deal with a divorce and then another break-up, so you have to be 100% sure before you start blending the family. It must be hard when you'd dearly love another baby, but I'd give it another year - enjoy time as boyfriend/girlfriend and really get to know each other.

Thats true, thanks @ThriceThriceThice

My DC never experienced the divorce because they were both babies and I've been single for a long time. But yes I'm not 100% sure especially as I am not sure he is sure either so will step back, thanks.