Telling ex ive arranged something for one of our children...

[4starbie]

Wasn't sure best place to post this.

Split with ex 3 years ago, he was emotionally and financially abusive, took me a lot to leave, and he's continued to be abusive to me since we split. We don't agree on anything to do with the children, but currently there is no court orders in place, we are waiting for one. At the moment I have them some of the time, and so does he. He takes control mostly, tells me when I can and can't have them ect it's not ideal but until we get our court date this is the way it is.

One of my children has shocking behaviour, he's only 8, but he has some serious anger issues and I think he has struggled with our split and the situation the most. I have got him some counselling, I think this will help him, i have to take him out of school for it for about an hour once a week. Obviously I need to tell his dad, as he will find out anyway and he does need to know. But I'm scared to tell him, I know he's going to try and stop it (which I've been told he can't) but he will say he doesn't need it ect... I'm just worried sick about it! Anything where u have to confront him about things I get so anxious.

Not sure what I'm asking but any advice on just telling him it's happening? I genuinely believe it's in our sons best interests, but like I say, his dad won't agree for sure.

What specifically are you worried about? What do you think your ex will do if he doesn't agree? As you say, he can't actually stop it. He might have a tantrum but that's his problem not yours.

Tbh I'd be edging to tell him to do one! Obv this isn't very practical.
Who is the main carer for the child/Ren is it 50:50
You do not need his permission to do this anyway, I wouldn't tell him the details just that DS has a doctors apt and your letting him know as a curtesy. You said he can't say no! Was that by a doctor maybe if he does by chance refuse tell him to contact the doctor himself?
Good luck

Why do you need to tell his dad?. How will he find out?. His dad abused you as his mother both emotionally and financially. You do not owe him anything now let alone details about his son's counselling. You are absolutely right to get him counselling now; this young person is traumatised by what he saw at home. He saw you as his mother being abused by his father.

I presume as well your son has only been seeing his father to date because he has further coerced and otherwise bullied/frightened you into bowing to his will. Its not doing your son any favours in at all maintaining contact with him and your ex will and indeed has remained just as abusive now that you are apart from him. He does not want to give up the power and control here over you and in turn his children whom he regards as possessions.

I would also be contacting both Womens Aid here and the Rights of Women; the latter also because they can give legal advice.

Do you have a paper trail detailing the abuse your ex has meted out to you?. Do you have current involvement with CAFCASS?.

The ex will just use this against you. Why waste time and precious energy telling him?

Instead tell your solicitor about how the situation is affecting your son, provide dates and facts and proof of what you are doing to help your child.

Also give screenshots of text messages from ex, showing his attitude and ordering you about. It's not up to him to dictate terms, but he will do that for as long as you allow him to.

You CAN step in and take control of the situation OP, but engaging with an abusive ex in meaningful conversation about your children's welfare is the road to insanity. He will disagree with everything you say, just because it's you.

Counselling might help you, as well as your son?

To answer questions. I'm worried because he makes me feel small and intimidated, I don't like any kind of confrontation with him it just makes me feel so anxious it's so hard to explain why. I know he will tell me he doesn't need it and I wouldn't put it past him to say he will stop it happening.

The counselling is being offered through a domestic violence group I have been attending, they told me I must inform him if he has pr which he does, but that he can't stop it because I also have pr and am entitled to access this for my child. This however doesn't stop him giving me a hard time.

None of us are main carer as such, we have 4 children so one of us claims child ben for 2, and so does the other, we have them almost 50/50 really sometimes more me sometimes more him.
And yes I'd rather he didn't have so much contact, but right now without a court order this isn't possible. I am in contact with splitz and have a support worker, I have support but it's still a struggle.

My son will tell his dad I took him out of school, so he would definitely find out anyway which I think would be worse.

And yes I have so much documented, I have police reports and a lot of evidence for when we do get to court.

I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and tell him arnt I? And hope he doesn't make too much of a fuss.

OP this is GOOD.

If he tries to stop it, it's another piece of major evidence that he doesn;t have the children's best interests at heart and should not be the primary carer.

Tell him. I really hope he DOES try and stop it! A delay to your son's help will probably be worth it if it helps with the much bigger picture of getting your ex's influence lessened permanently.

OP I have exactly the same problem. My ex makes me feel physically sick after speaking to him, and I'm not a whiner.

I was advised by professionals to use email or text only. Keep sentences very very short and factual e.g. I am picking DS up at X time, he has an appointment at X time, the doctor/school have said to do XYZ. He will then rant or carry on, insult you, blame you etc., and you must ignore all of it.

Never explain yourself to him. It does help a bit with the anxiety, I've found.

Yes, your DS may tell him, but once it’s started it’ll be harder to stop. You also don’t owe your D
XH the whole truth. Tell him his GP referred him. Make it seem like the doctor’s decision rather than yours.

Just read that back sounds weird... what I meant by "not a whiner" is that I have a strong stomach, it takes a lot to make me feel physically sick. That's how you know it's abuse, it's not you.

Can you email him? It will help with intimidation and also a good record. Has his school witnessed your son's behaviour?

Use non emotive language, such as our son has been referred to counselling once a week at x time.

As pp, if he has solicitor then he will be advised not to block this. What is the timeline for court? Where are you in the process?

If he argues back on email, you can just not respond or use broken record "it is in the best interests of our son to have independent counseling".

Could you get the school to tell him? Do you have a SENCO? Get them to call and say the school are sending him? That it’s in the child’s best interest. If he stands in the way of that then it won’t look good for him in court

What way do you communicate these things with each other?
Hopefully over email or messages so you have some proof and if you don't then do it that way in future.
It would look good for you in court if you have messages from him trying to stop you bringing your son to therapy.

Hey op
I also had an elder DS who was and is very distressed by the
Split and the atmosphere at home

My main question is must he know ? Can you go ahead and not tell him?
Abusive relationships so take their toll
This end we have had a lot of mental health support
You and your son getting MH support is critical

If you are worried he will prohibit it I would personally raise hell and hey SS and Cahm involved
If he is stopping this this is a
Major line crossed

He doesn't have internet so emailing him wouldn't work, I do text mostly though. That's how we mainly communicate. We do have a senco at school but as it's not through the school I'm not sure they will do much. I do have to tel his dad as otherwise my son will tel him anyway and I do think that will be worse. I have the kids with me at the moment so I'm going to text him in a bit and just tell him. My son definitely needs this counselling he's struggling so much it's awful. Thing with the ex is he doesn't like to not be in control, he hates it if I get any control over anything, so the fact I've sorted this for our son without his say so will mean I'll get the usual abuse.

He can’t stop it, so pretend you told him and don’t engage

He doesn’t own you.

Have you done the freedom programme?

I have, and I wonder if you need to focus on getting yourself to a place where you give zero fucks about him or what he will or won’t think/do/say.

Get the dv service to write to him if possible so you’re completely out of it.

Get a new phone and leave him as the only person on it, switch it on only when necessary otherwise leave it off/silent.

I am very worried that you’re still so terrified of him.

As pp said please get counselling and RL support for yourself as well OP.

I do have support, I'm going to groups myself for the dv, it's not me that I'm worried about, yes he does frighten me, but not in a physical way, more that he is verbally abusive, manipulative, it's all emotional. It's so hard to explain, but I can't stand up to him. So many people say "just tell him to fuck off" but it's not that easy, I simply can't right now.

Anyway I told him and sure enough I got a wave of abuse, he tried saying he needs to be the one who takes him not me that I'm a shit parent ect. I expected that response but still not nice to hear. Nothings ever his fault of course it's all mine. He's definitely not happy about it. He's going to try and stop me taking him, I thought he might.

How about if you didn't mention it at first - and if he notices then say something like "Oh, it was offered because of his behaviour, especially when he did X and Y" - making it sound as if he was just put on the scheme automatically, and as if other people have noticed that your ds has problems?

Oh, sorry, just read the last comment properly!
In that case I'd still add some social pressure by talking about how the teacher/doctor thinks your ds needs to be on it.

Perhaps also actually speak to teachers/doctor so that it is not just your opinion vs. your ex's.

Have you given him dates and times? If so, change it and don't tell him. You're doing this for the benefit of your DS, he isn't! He just wants control and up until now he's had it. I like the idea of having a phone for just contacting him, try to have some control yourself. I'm so sorry he still makes you feel this way, it's really hard isn't it? I saw my mum being controlled like this years after she divorced my dad. Good luck @4starbie

@strangertimes

Could you get the school to tell him? Do you have a SENCO? Get them to call and say the school are sending him? That it’s in the child’s best interest. If he stands in the way of that then it won’t look good for him in court

This. Use school as the authority-you shouldn’t have to, but the situation is what it is and you have survived his abuse and are entitled to all the support you can access.

He knows I'm taking him out of school for the session, but doesn't know what exact time or where it is. When I told him about it all he did was go on about himself, and how he's a great parent unlike me, that everything's my fault. It's upset me, but I know he's wrong, I know this is best for my son so I'll power on through.