Compliments

[NotTooLongToGoNow]

Not a thread about a thread but inspired by many.

A lot of women seem to desire 'compliments' about their appearance from men they are dating.

When I was younger, men would compliment me. I think because they saw flattery as a fast track into a woman's knickers. I occasionally get it now from men who are trying to have sex with me sex but I cant remember the last time I was complimented on my looks/body in reality or in a relationship. And I would never ask what someone thought of me, my body or even my hair or what I was wearing.

I think I'm attractive enough and other women tell me I am. But men don't seem to think so. Nor do they fall in love with me or adore me or any of the other things I read about on here.

What am I doing wrong?

Giving a fuck what anyone else thinks? 🤷‍♀️

@NotTooLongToGoNow

Not a thread about a thread but inspired by many.

A lot of women seem to desire 'compliments' about their appearance from men they are dating.

When I was younger, men would compliment me. I think because they saw flattery as a fast track into a woman's knickers. I occasionally get it now from men who are trying to have sex with me sex but I cant remember the last time I was complimented on my looks/body in reality or in a relationship. And I would never ask what someone thought of me, my body or even my hair or what I was wearing.

I think I'm attractive enough and other women tell me I am. But men don't seem to think so. Nor do they fall in love with me or adore me or any of the other things I read about on here.

What am I doing wrong?

The very last thread I read before this one you had told the OP she was being ridiculous for wanting ‘validation ‘ from her partner on her body /look wo in a little confused as to what you are asking ? Let me ask you nottoolomv , is being told Hijra attractive and desirable by a partner something you desire or not Personally I think this is perfectly fine and normal to want . Or not want .
For me , it seems many many men express appreciation for other women’s bodies but seem reluctant to give any of these same compliments to the very women they are with. Their partners wives and gfs . I think this is really hurtful to a lot of women when it happens and one would expect that if a man is verbalising or blatantly his attraction for other women he would show it for them also ... anyway at the end of the day it really comes down to what it is you hope for in a relationship and what rocks your world . I certainly would t want to be with a man who couldn’t or would t express attraction to me

I did, you're right. But it made me wonder if I was the one in the wrong for feeling like that! Everyone else seems to think it's normal, expected, natural to be complimented/found attractive by a partner. I just wondered if I had become hardened to it all and that maybe everyone else is right and I'm not.

I don't know if it's what I want or not. Or whether I've been conditioned into not wanting/expecting it because I don't feel I deserve it and haven't received it.

If someone I'm dating never says anything positive about me, is that a red flag or just something that happens when you get older?

For me , it seems many many men express appreciation for other women’s bodies but seem reluctant to give any of these same compliments to the very women they are with. Their partners wives and gfs . I think this is really hurtful to a lot of women when it happens and one would expect that if a man is verbalising or blatantly his attraction for other women he would show it for them also ...

I assume this is just because they find those other women attractive and not me and then I usually withdraw from the relationship. I dont want to he with someone who is constantly appreciating and desiring other women but puts up with me because I'm the one who's there.

Actually, indidnt saybshe was ridiculous for wanting validation. I just asked why she was seeking it. I just can't imagine asking someone what they thought of me/my body. I would expect to hear anything good and wouldn't want to give them the opportunity to be honest!

@nottoolongtogonow Yes I totally understand what your saying now . I also have been in the situation of being with someone who showed appreciation for other women and never for me . I ended up doing exactly as you described and withdrawing . Luckily we were able to eventually ( and it took a huge amount of work and courage ) break through that and I now know that for me it’s an important part of feeling desired and close to my partner
I don’t think there’s a right or wrong here . For some women it might not matter but for many I think it does . It’s just a matter of working out where you fit in . If your saying you withdrew when partners showed attraction and appreciation of other women but not you then perhaps it is an important part of your sexuality and love style
I read recently that so often people concern themselves with men being so visual and they forget that for many women feeling desired can be a huge part of feeling turned on . I know for me at least it’s extremely hard to feel turned on if I’m feeling like a man is all hot and bothered over some other woman or image he’s seen and is just coming to me for ‘release ‘ it makes me feel like a masturbatory tool . I need to feel that desire is for me to want to make that sexual connection.
Having said that there are women who don’t care . Just listen to how many say ‘ I don’t care where he gets his hunger so long as he comes home to eat ‘
Personally I don’t want to be little more than the piece of meat filling the appetite .
It’s all about knowing yourself and what you need in a relationship if that makes sense

It does make sense.

The difficulty is how do I reconcile that with the fact it doesn't/isn't going to happen?

I want to be with someone who feels lucky to have met me, who gets butterflies when they see me, who is turned on by me (and not just what I'm doing) and who doesnt even notice other women (at least in the early stages). I'm not sure I want compliments as such because they feel insincere. I want to be with someone who doesnt want to lose me.

Not someone who isnt really bothered either way.

Are you in a relationship now? I think compliments are normal and feeling desired is a minimum from my husband. He always tells me how beautiful I am, doesn't feel insincere, feels good. Do you believe you're beautiful op?

@NotTooLongToGoNow
First thing : it doesn't matter about what other do and don't, only what feels comfortable for you and what you request. I

I don't waste my time with guys who aren't giving me compliments. I don't need them to feel Good and I know how I look and feel but I find it rude and strange not giving compliments in general.

The same men who aren't giving compliments are the same ones bigging other women up in their dms, or just feel like they don't have to but expect you to get excited about their fishing trip or football score.

Shoxfordian

No I'm not.

I've been single apart from a few short flings here and there for very many years. Partly for this reason.

No, I don't believe I'm beautiful because I'm not. I have very many good qualities, many flaws and I think I'm quite attractive sometimes. But there is nothing 'beautiful' about me.

I don't think I've ever felt 'desired'

unicornsnowflakes

I dont ever give compliments just for the sake of it. I think they should be genuine and sincere. But if I notice something about someone I like, then I can't help but tell them. It's not a conscious thing. So I suppose it would make sense that other people would do the same.

On that basis, I have to just accept that maybe there isn't anything compliment worthy about me! I wouldnt want a man to compliment my body/appearance because he thought he should or because he thought I'd want him to. I suppose I'm just a bit 🙄 that I dont have the sort of face/body that men, even those I'm in a relationship with, want to compliment. Makes me a bit sad that no one sees in me the things I see in myself 😔

I know the thread you’re referring to OP and I thought a lot of the replies were idealistic.

In my opinion there are far more important things in a relationship than how physically attractive your partner finds you.

I used to have a best friend who liked like Shania Twain back in the day. She used to get more attention in pubs than I did and I will admit I was jealous. Until one day, I stopped caring and threw myself into the night's out, laughed a lot and suddenly the tables turned.

I do think a lot has to be said for being confident in your own skin and making the best of yourself. Its important to wear lovely lingerie even though you're popping out on a shopping trip, or buying nice clothes. You should spoil yourself! It makes you feel good. Holding your head up high, laugh and showing not a care goes a long way too.

There will be a man who adores you for who you are, like me, you've probably just not found him yet!

It's nice to receive compliments, you don't have to be the most beautiful woman but you should be in his/her eyes. In my last relationship I was complimented daily on how beautiful I was, in my current relationship I don't get any so one extreme to the other and quite honestly when I'm not getting compliments I'm not so satisfied but probably because I was spoiled in the last relationship, I am considering dumping him for lack of compliments/attention for the umpteenth time because I don't feel appreciated, I think it's important. Strangely he's the one that wants to be In a relationship with me more than I want to be with him but he doesn't always show it.
I compliment a lot, I enjoy giving them out, to other women and men, it's nice feeling but when I don't get any compliments from the man that's surpose to love me, I'm feeling very reluctant to say anything nice to him, strangely if I do, for instance say your gorgeous, he'll say no I'm not, I'm nothing special, maybe it's a confidence thing. Anyway I'm going on far too much, love compliments they are a great thing!

coronaway

It's not the only thing that's important, granted, but I dont want to think of someone being with me in spite of what I look like and always on the look out for something nicer to look at. Which is how it feels.

I do think a lot has to be said for being confident in your own skin and making the best of yourself. Its important to wear lovely lingerie even though you're popping out on a shopping trip, or buying nice clothes. You should spoil yourself! It makes you feel good. Holding your head up high, laugh and showing not a care goes a long way too

This is why I find it all so hard. I am confident. I might accept that I'm not beautiful but I'm friendly and approachable. I'll happily walk into a pub on my own to see a band and dance all night. I'll strike up conversations with strangers.

I always wear nice underwear. I don't own anything more than 12 months old and it always matches. It's one of the things I promised myself I'd always do about 10 years ago. I don't own any 'utility' underwear at all.

My friend told me a couple of years ago that when single I 'sparkle'. We were on our way to our shared hobby at halloween. I was wearing a long, black velvet hooded cape and was messing about, running up and down the road to make it flow behind me like a vampire. He said it was the happiest and sparkliest he'd ever seen me. Dating extinguishes my sparkle apparently. I've been told that a few times.

There will be a man who adores you for who you are, like me, you've probably just not found him yet!

He shouldn't be so hard to find!

@NotTooLongToGoNow if you are good enough to spend time with or shag then there is a reason.

Compliments for the sake of it is very different then being the kinda person who likes to give compliments because they are aware of things.

It sounds from your reply that it's not so much about compliments but about how you view yourself.

When's the last time you told yourself how amazing you are? When did you last compliment yourself?...

Maybe you have a point...

That's an interesting question. I suppose I don't compliment myself very often. I'm confident about the aspects of my personality and character and so I dont feel the need to complimented about those and i suppose it doesnt really register if someone compliments those because they are affirming what I already know. I did have someone tell me, when we split up, that I was "entitled" which I didn't take to heart because I know that I'm not. I think that's how he perceived me because I expected am equal relationship and not one where he was the boss!

But physically, I'm less confident. There are a couple of things I do like about myself - I like my nose, my feet and i have good skin. And those are the only things I have been complimented on physically by a man. I don't say anything about myself, good or bad, so it's not that I draw attention to them. So I think they must be the only attractive things about me.

I suppose I want to feel that someone appreciates (even if they don't verbally compliment) the aspects of me I'm less confident about myself.

@NotTooLongToGoNow
It sounds like the things you like about you come from men complimenting you on them.

Now I love things men compliment me on ( I think you've guess I like a compliment lol) but I also NOW ( DIDNT before) love a heap of other things that they haven't and because of this, at times I've been complimented on them as I've unknowingly drawn attention to them without realising.

Self love doesn't come easily, we can find it a lot easier to appreciate actions, or skills more than our physical.

Maybe I'm wrong lol 😂 but I understand what you are Saying tho.
I didn't care what anyone said about my breast ( 3 kids they are sad socks at best) but since I've appreciated me, I now love them.
These small A's ( from DD) are mine and I'm proud lol That's cause I change my thinking.

The only person who ever compliments me these days (I no longer have a social life) is my bf.

It sounds like the things you like about you come from men complimenting you on them.

No, not at all. I thought I had a nice nose and feet when I was a teenager and long before any man ever said anything.

It just makes me think that if they see the same things as attractive that I do, then they must also see the same things as unattractive.