My mum

[Magicpaint]

I wish this was a thread about how lovely my mum is.
But unfortunately it isn't.
My mum has put men first above her children-always. Cheating on my dad, continuous affairs with married men. Mum is now 65 (and separated from my dad when I was eight) She has no empathy. She has done whatever she wanted in life regardless of who she has hurt. Im her daughter and at 39 it's like she still has this hold over me. I am in the process of a very painful divorce myself and unfortunately there is no other family members I can lean on as I have a 3yr old daughter. I live a very long distance from my mum so very rarely see her but due to my situation I am looking to move back closer to home so she can help me look after DD. But my gut tells me not to trust as it always has. She is currently staying with me as I was redundant due to Covid and I'm on a course for two weeks. She is looking after DD as I cannot afford nursery. But she just sits and eats. I don't know what she does with DD all day but when I leave she eats, when I come home she eats. My Dad has become constipated over the last few days and when I asked if she was drinking enough during the day she said yes but there was no drink on the table or anything. Now in the early hours of this morning she has used the upstairs loo which I asked her not to do as it is leaking. Im sleeping on the sofa downstairs and have been awake since 2am. I heard her stomp in there, use it and not flush it. I went up there and asked if she was ok? She said yes, realized I knew and quickly came down to pretend to go to the toilet. I know I probably sound nuts but can you see what I mean? If she is not honest about a leaking toilet, how can she be honest with the care of my DD? But she is the only person I have to rely on. So what do I do? I'm seriously re considering not moving back home and starting a fresh here just me and Dad. Any advice?

#Dd# not dad

You can't have it both ways. If you don't like her or trust her, then don't use her for child care.
The leaky loo has nothing to do with anything!

I can see where your coming from. I think part of me realized that this morning. But I also always hoped she would become the mother I always hoped her to be. A normal mum who would put her children/grandchildren first. But I realize now at 65 she never will.

When does your mother leave?. She needs to leave ASAP. I would also urge you to find alternate childcare for your daughter (your mother is not suitable because she is not emotionally safe to be around). She is not giving your daughter anything much to drink here! Can you not contact a nursery re fees, there may be something they can do to help. There are options here and I would also contact the early years service. Do not throw your dad to such a wolf like your mother. She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not changed a bit since then.

She is never going to be the nice mother you perhaps still want her to become even now. The lack of empathy is common to narcissistic people, she is likely to be a narcissist in terms of personality and it’s not your fault she is like this. You also did not make her that way. The only people as well who tend to bother with people like your mother are those who have received the special training ie the now adult children. Your ex h is likely out of the same rotten mould as your mother, these two are kindred spirits.

Do not move back to her but instead make a fresh start where you are now for both you and your child.

Do also read and or post on the current well we took you to stately homes thread on these Relationships pages.

I moved nearer my DM as I was a lone parent with a baby, nothing much changed. She wouldn't come over when I was ill and couldn't manage because (self-employed) work always came first with her. People don't change that much. I'd not move if I were you.

I wouldn't move back to her or have her near you. Sounds cold of me but you'll end up being her Carer as she ages. Best stay away.

Don’t move.

Come on, Op. Protect your daughter. Your mum was a crap parent and is a crap grandmother. None of this should be a surprise to you.

Sounds like my “mum” absolutely awful and full of lies. I was in a similar position and I can tell you it’s not work it, I wish I cut contact years ago and not let her near my child. We are now no contact and although I feel guilt it’s the best decision I’ve made. Make plans to stand on your own two feet, you won’t retreat it. Oh and I was 19 so if I can do it so can you.

Your mother is toxic. Why would you walk into that situation knowing she was a very bad mother to you, and then expect different for your daughter?
You are responsible for your own choices here. You know she will never change and the bad childhood that you had, so why choose to rely on her in any way?

Imagine if you did move closer to her, and she started treating your daughter the way she treated you. Don't put yourself in a position where you will be let down by her yet again.

Please, get as far away as possible from her. She was a crap mother, don’t inflict that on your child. You can also bet she’ll be relying on you more and more soon. Do not become her caregiver.
MIL is similar. She never helped us with childcare. We didn’t ask because she made it clear she wouldn’t be offering and despite never helping care for her parents either is becoming increasingly demanding of our time. I have absolutely no intention of offering any care to her and am being made to feel guilty for saying no. These narcissists have no self awareness. She will not change, except to become more and more needy.

I have taken on board what you have all said. I have managed to speak to my Daughter's nursery and were going to sort something out.
Tomorrow I'm telling her to pack her bags and clear off out of mine and my daughter's life

@Magicpaint well how did it go?

I sorted out my Dds nursery. I got home that day and told her DD is going to nursery. She was more than happy to go home. I tried to keep it civil until I overheard her slagging me off upstairs to her boyfriend over the phone. I said she was a disgrace as a mother and a selfish one who always lets me down. She never puts her kids first. She went home the next day. My plans are to stay where I am with my neighbours who have supported me and my dd. I haven't heard from my mum since.