So insecure at times

[Doddlebug2000]

I am so insecure at times and i fucking hate it.
95% of the time im a confident woman, but i have this horrible underlying insecurity that pops out at times and i hate it so much.

So the other day my bf is scrolling through fb and has a look at a girl in a bikini pic. He doesnt even like it or anything just a look.
Men are visual creatures i get it and i dont want for something so trivial to bother me, I didn't say anything but inside my whole body was raging with insecurity about whether he fancies her more than me, whether he wishes he was with her and not me etc etc it was actually a physical reaction like my mouth got dry and my body language changed it was horrible.
Why do i feel like this?
I feel im an attractive woman not in a conceited way but im happy enough with how i look and how i am. Ive always done this with boyfriends its just as im getting older im realising its my thing whereas when i was younger i would go mental at the guy and project it all on to him.
Can anyone relate to this? Any advice ?
As i said its only a small amount of time that it comes out but when it comes out it's horrible and i end up feeling shit!!

To add I'm now driving myself crazy that he's gone back to said girl on fb to obsess over her pics. What the hell is up with me!??

Firstly. Unless your bf is some bronzed toned Adonis then you will know as well as anyone that people stay in relationships because they find the whole person their partner is attractive, not just how they look in a bikini. There are men who, objectively, you might find much better looking than your bf, aren’t there? But you wouldn’t just up and leave him for them, would you? Because gorgeous as those other men might be to look at, they aren’t your bf who you like for far more reasons, right? So, can you tell yourself that it’s exactly the same for him, however many women there are out there who are objectively better looking in a bikini?

Secondly. Maybe he does find her attractive. Well, you can worry about it and let it make you feel insecure and bad about yourself; or, you can say to yourself, so what? I’m also very attractive, and he’s with me not her, and he’s lucky to have me. In the second instance you feel good about yourself. In the first instance you feel bad. But whether you feel bad or good, the end result is still the same - he finds her attractive. So you may as well take the road to feeling good, because your feelings don’t change the outcome, do they, and if the outcome is the same then why not feel good rather than bad?

I recognise that that’s a fairly clunky train of thought to follow, but you can’t change anyone but yourself and when it comes to insecurity you just have to stop with comparisons to other people because it’s a negative circle in which you’ll always find yourself coming up short. Other people might have X. But you have Y and that’s just as good.

Hi OP I can completely relate to this.
My partner and I have been together nearly 18 months and since then my insecurity has been ridiculous to the point it makes me feel physically sick.
I've asked him to stop looking at other girls when we're out together and he assures me he isn't. There are a few other reasons why I get insecure he has loads of female friends on Facebook which he hides from me and will.close the page if I'm walk in the room. I can still see some of their profile and some of them are young pretty and don't leave much to the imagination. I can also see he has liked their pictures mostly of the ones with their tatties hanging out, not the ones of them with their kids.......
I've also recently found out he's been with prostitutes in the past which I'm really struggling with too.
I.knew when I met him he was no angel but it knocked me off my feet.
I think things would be better if our sex life existed but from day 1 its been an issue so the intimacy isn't there.
I have gained weight since we got together which doesn't help my confidence either.
I know I have to work on myself and the issue comes from my insecurity due to bad past relationships. I want to just let it go coz I'm going to ruin an otherwise perfect relationship.
Sorry for the long reply with no answers or advice for you but it was good for me to hear someone else felt the same x

Not saying this is a good way to live and it is probably an idea to work through some of this with a therapist if possible
However I honestly believe that a lot of the ‘insecurity ‘ so many women are referring to now days is related to the ways in which women’s appearance and bodies have become so incredibly commodified and judged since social media and the internet
Long gone are the days when a partner may take a peak at an provocative playboy or the pretty lady walking by . Now it’s often extreme pictures or videos of women after woman on social media wearing next to nothing or nothing and/or doing extreme sexual acts . The whole social media is set up to encourage the evaluation and liking of these images and society seems to see no issue with this at all . Sure there are some images of males too but it’s nothing like the extent of how females are sexualised and up for evaluation .
Women’s bodies are constantly under under scrutiny which makes it’s very hard for a lot of women . Maybe not all but many find this dehumanising and it does send the consistent message that a large amount of what’s important about a woman is her looks .
So when a picture comes up the may not be all flesh and sex even that becomes a trigger which I think realistically is a normal reaction for a woman to have when she’s living in a society where her whole gender is under the microscope for how their body and faces look
Don’t be so hard on yourself for having this reaction . Sure it’s better to get it under control for your own peace of mind but recognise that there are reasons for feeling this way and it doesn’t mean you are defective

@ComtesseDeSpair that is a good way of looking at things.
I know this logically it's trying to tell me silly over thinking brain this that's the problem!
My bf makes me feel secure if what he does and says so I know it's not about him.
I need to change my mind set as he also did this right infront of me its not like he was hiding away having a peek. He obviously just innocently saw an attractive girl and had a look. I so want to be cool with this, I also didn't want to say anything and then risk him keeping what he looks at a secret too.

@DOB78 the liking pics thing would get to me too. I wish I was so secure in myself that I could just take it as the way I oggle over home accounts on insta. Something nice to look at and once the image is gone, I've forgotten about it.
I don't believe women look at men's bodies in the same way as men do.
I don't spend even 1 minute out my day looking at photos of men! I'm just not interested.
I suppose I think if it's a quick look at random girls I can cope with that. But if it's someone he knows or someone who he keeps going to check on or check their profile then its going to really bother me. Then it's like why am I not enough for him!

@Rustyplastic this whole social media thing is a mine field now!!
Im just remembering how my ex husband and I went to a club about 15 years ago and there was a petite dancer in bra and pants dancing and I went totally mental and ruined the whole night with my own insecurities so I've always been this way!! There will always be pretty women out there and men will always have a look and that's all fine. It's my own head I want to change and not feel at all bothered by it.

I know what you mean it's all what women look like, we live in a mad world and I worry for my daughters!

@Doddlebug2000 I think that's whats getting to me. Random strangers in the street is 1 thing as the chances of seeing them again are slim. But the girls on Facebook really piss me off. He has moved 2hrs away from home to live with me but I'm still paranoid and insecure as they're still accessible if that makes sense.
Like you say he go back and look at the pictures over and over again. It just makes me feel totally inadequate.
Someday I can shrug it off but other times it really gets to me.
I tell myself all I can be is me and if that's not enough he isn't my person

Maybe you you could stop obsessing about how he feels about you (does he fancy other women more etc) and focus on what you feel about him? Switch the focus and take control of your feelings about him. What you feel is a deep insecurity about yourself and you are projecting those feelings onto him. So feeling better about yourself is the key. Think about how you feel about him. Maybe he isn't the right person for you anyway and underneath you know it? Or is it really your issue? Untangle the truth and maybe look for some counselling to get to the bottom of your insecurity

And you need to learn that it isn't all about what women look like!

@DOB78

Hi OP I can completely relate to this. My partner and I have been together nearly 18 months and since then my insecurity has been ridiculous to the point it makes me feel physically sick. I've asked him to stop looking at other girls when we're out together and he assures me he isn't. There are a few other reasons why I get insecure he has loads of female friends on Facebook which he hides from me and will.close the page if I'm walk in the room. I can still see some of their profile and some of them are young pretty and don't leave much to the imagination. I can also see he has liked their pictures mostly of the ones with their tatties hanging out, not the ones of them with their kids....... I've also recently found out he's been with prostitutes in the past which I'm really struggling with too. I.knew when I met him he was no angel but it knocked me off my feet. I think things would be better if our sex life existed but from day 1 its been an issue so the intimacy isn't there. I have gained weight since we got together which doesn't help my confidence either. I know I have to work on myself and the issue comes from my insecurity due to bad past relationships. I want to just let it go coz I'm going to ruin an otherwise perfect relationship. Sorry for the long reply with no answers or advice for you but it was good for me to hear someone else felt the same x

If you've been treated badly in the past then don't you think you should avoid relationships with men who like pictures of women with their tits out and have visited prostitutes? They are things that most people would be put off by, let alone someone who knows they are insecure perhaps more than most people. Raise the bar - it's unlikely this man is going to be a perfect partner and if he knows your history, liking pictures of women with their tits out is nasty. He doesn't need to 'like' them physically - whats the point in him doing that? He could just look but he wants them to know he's liked the picture, or wants you to know he has.

Telling him not to look at women when you're out sounds controlling on first glance but based on the rest of your post he doesn't sound like a good bet for a happy healthy relationship.

Men who use prostitutes don't respect women.

You can do better

You are right @goldenharvest and I know I care about him and I'm falung for him alot hence my insecurity. Having had fwb through summer I did not feel like this as I had no feelings for the guy.
My bf is very loyal and I don't have any fears of him cheating etc
In my head this is all so silly and trivial but it pisses me off too argggg hate this in myself

Falling

I can relate to this.
I won't go into too much detail, but a lot of things throughout my life have made me insecure.
Lots of people compliment me, but I just can't accept them. I feel rubbish every day and it doesn't make me feel confident at all.
I hope you can sort things out with your b/f.

Thanks @itsgettingcoldoutside there wasn't anything to sort as I didn't mention it as I don't want to be unreasonable and I'm thinking all day if I was scrolling fb and saw an attractive man I'd prob have a little look and it would mean nothing!! I'm so irrational
This is a horrible feeling isnt it I wish I was more secure in myself and just didn't give a shit about this stuff!!

@ComtesseDeSpair

Firstly. Unless your bf is some bronzed toned Adonis then you will know as well as anyone that people stay in relationships because they find the whole person their partner is attractive, not just how they look in a bikini. There are men who, objectively, you might find much better looking than your bf, aren’t there? But you wouldn’t just up and leave him for them, would you? Because gorgeous as those other men might be to look at, they aren’t your bf who you like for far more reasons, right? So, can you tell yourself that it’s exactly the same for him, however many women there are out there who are objectively better looking in a bikini?

Secondly. Maybe he does find her attractive. Well, you can worry about it and let it make you feel insecure and bad about yourself; or, you can say to yourself, so what? I’m also very attractive, and he’s with me not her, and he’s lucky to have me. In the second instance you feel good about yourself. In the first instance you feel bad. But whether you feel bad or good, the end result is still the same - he finds her attractive. So you may as well take the road to feeling good, because your feelings don’t change the outcome, do they, and if the outcome is the same then why not feel good rather than bad?

I recognise that that’s a fairly clunky train of thought to follow, but you can’t change anyone but yourself and when it comes to insecurity you just have to stop with comparisons to other people because it’s a negative circle in which you’ll always find yourself coming up short. Other people might have X. But you have Y and that’s just as good.

I was having an insecure wobble myself today then saw this comment and my goodness the comfort