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Is it normal in marriage...?

30 replies

Bumble03 · 02/12/2020 22:17

I’m sorry for this silly question but I always doubt myself.
I wanted to know if it is normal when my husband is upset/angry/frustrated about anything at all he picks on my slyly all day until I get either angry at which point he’ll state what a bad temper I have and I need to calm down or until I end up in tears after which he will walk off like ‘crocodile tears’ and then go and have fun with the kids making sure I can hear he’s laughing.
But he’s never ever ever violent. He has a short temper as in get angry and sometimes the kids and I tiptoe around him!
An example of how nasty (or maybe this is normal so I want to find out) he can be, If the rest of the house is a mess (when I was on mat leave with my 3rd child) but I’ve tidied just my elder sons room, he went in there once and played with my son and completely wrecked the room while playing with him and I said ‘why did you do that I’ve just tidied it’ to which he replied ‘well the rest of the house is a sh1t hole so what difference does it make.
For perspective, We both work hard, I work p/t and he full time. The finances are all handled by me (incase anyone thinks he’s under extreme pressure!) and he doesn’t have financial pressure as I manage it all and I also earn a little more than him.
This type of behaviour started as soon as we got married and it’s been a long 9 years. We have 3 children, eldest is 8 and youngest 2

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Bumble03 · 03/12/2020 11:15

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Bumble03 · 03/12/2020 11:24

@AttilaTheMeerkat I’m wondering why no one is asking me if I am nasty and how I also cause arguements. One of my main things is ALWAYS being open and honest which means if he does anything to upset me I do tell my friends and family (because it happens often) he hates this and causes arguements. But I refuse to stop as I teach my kids if you are embarrassed of me telling others how you act you shouldn’t be behaving that way. So maybe I am antagonising a little.
He is helpful with stuff around the house and usually 60% very good with the kids. They dote on him. He comes home from work and then takes them of my hands for a bit. But they do get a bit on edge if his mood isn’t right. He also has this weird way of always saying something negative like it know we will never buy that house it’s just too good to be true! I know that will never happen’ while I’m left working hard to get the house and do all of the work entailed with negotiating and mortgage set up, all along with him telling me it will never happen. I sound like I’m just picking at cr4p now so maybe I’m just in that habit! I don’t know.
I appreciate all the advice and I am going to read that book and speak to a professional. It’s been 9 years so I guess to explain everything on here is too much and I’m sure everyone has better things to do. Thanks all I feel quite relieved I’m not being a big baby about everything

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strangertimes · 03/12/2020 11:33

You can live alone you know. Being in a relationship is not the only option. Get a good therapist. It really helps. Imagine you’d have your tidy house to yourself. No background comments pulling you down. Your husband is passive aggressive and pulling you down. If you split, he’d have to have the kids every other weekend on his own. You’d get long lie ins and be able to build yourself back up again.

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strangertimes · 03/12/2020 11:33

You sound very unhappy. You get one life.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/12/2020 12:04

None of this is on you OP, none of it. He likes to think its your fault or have you thinking such; this is all part of the abusers MO. You probably thought you antagonised your mother too?. No, that was on her and you were but a child at the time.

Do read the book that has been recommended to you and do not let him see a copy. I would urge you to contact Womens Aid rather than say a marriage counsellor. You also need a therapist who can unpick your own childhood at the hands of your abuser mother. Also this person should have no familial bias.

Joint counselling as well is NEVER recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. You are not emotionally safe enough to undergo any such joint sessions with him so do not ever do joint counselling.