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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

ds got caught up in our fight

22 replies

nickiey · 23/10/2004 12:45

Please help.
I know how awful this all sounds-I dont need to be condemmed in any case i cant really feel any worse than i do right now.
dh and I had a fight earlier about something really petty, Im not going into detail as its pointless.
Anyway ultimately he pushed me, I hit him back and so he grabbed me and pulled me over onto the wooden bed frame, ds came in and got knocked be me as i fell over and was terrified.
He wouldnt let dh near him for about an hour but they are now playing nicely and have had a bath together.
I just need to hear that im not an awful mother and that this wont affect him, he is happy now and unhurt.
dh and I are fine-it was just a stupid row about him speanding more time with us which needlessly escalated due to antagonism (on his part) and me being easily wound up.
Has this happened to anyone else?

OP posts:

Freckle · 23/10/2004 12:47

I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. It was a pure accident that your son was caught by you. However, perhaps your dh should look at his own behaviour when a simple request to spend more time with his family descends into physical violence on his part.

zephyrcat · 23/10/2004 12:51

Hi there. This has happened to me before as well. dp and I have loads of arguments over really stupid stuff and more than a few times it has ended up quite physical. Once he pushed me and I fell into dd. She went through a phase of not liking daddy very much and now if ever voices get raised she gets in between us and shouts stop. I hate that. I hate what it has done to her. If you can try not to let it happen again - its a real heartbreaker to see it hurt them. However your ds sounds as though he's foriven and forgotten - sounds like you got away with it

Original poster

nickiey · 23/10/2004 12:52

Thanks Freckle, but really Im as much to blame as he is-we both let it get out of hand-I think though this has shocked us both tho' We have always tried to keep any arguments away from ds, its so silly really-things seem fine now.

OP posts:

changedname2 · 23/10/2004 12:54

It happens. All part of being a family.

Original poster

nickiey · 23/10/2004 12:55

Oh Zephy its good (well not good but you know what i mean) to hear that this has happened to someone else-We have never got like this before in front of him and it was just unlucky i guess, but that isnt good enough it WILL NOT happen again.
dh and I do have a very fiesty relationship but i dont think thats a bad thing, its good to express feeling and emotion as long i spose as this doesnt happen.
I think you are right tho' all seems fine now, ds and dh are partners in crime once more.

I'm off to join them.

OP posts:

suzywong · 23/10/2004 13:25

agree with everyone else

Families do have fiesty moments, no question, and as long as you know that is was not desirable and try not to do it again (sometime easier said than done I know) rather than accept it as your usual routine, you should be OK.

FWIW, when we were having stressful times and used to yell at each other, DS1 would do the hands over ears and shouting us down himself. And that stopped us doing it and things got better from there. He did copy us for a while, which was AWFUL, but now even if he hears the slightest raise in either of our voices he asks us to stop being naughty. What I mean to say is your kids can keep you in check in lots of different ways. Don't beat yourself up over it but don't let it happen again.

HTH

zephyrcat · 23/10/2004 13:56

it certainly is a reality check when it takes a two year old to tell you stop you fighting!!

Branster · 23/10/2004 14:18

nickiey sorry to hear you are so upset. I have no first hand experience of such an incident but I'm quite certain your ds will forget about it. It was an accident.

However, I would just like to make a (very small) point over the fact that perhaps this is the best reason why you two the adults should try and avoid physical confrutantion to the extent that one of you has to fall over. all sorts of accidents can happen and obviously frightens ds as you've just seen. But that is for you to sort out and deal with, not my place to interfere.

I am astounded though that looking at the other posts, this sort of incidents seems to happen in other households. Whereas accidents just happen and it's not your fault, physical attacks (no matter how mild) should be avoided by mature people, shouldn't they? I'm not having a go at any of you and feel in a way for the fact that someone has to go through such things and whish none of you did. Am I over-reacting? I hope not, but to my mind nobody is allowed to touch/push another person as such that it causes them to fall over. I'm just shocked at finding out that this happens to other people that's why I posted here. I'm not starting a debate on this issue. Just my feelings came out all of the sudden because I'm so surprised.

All the best nickiey

Branster · 23/10/2004 14:19

suzywong spot on about children copying adult behaviour

mckenzie · 23/10/2004 14:23

I remember reading an article somewhere that said we parents should actually argue in front of our children sometimes so that they know life isn't a bed of roses. They also learn that you can fight and argue and then you make up because even people who love each other still dont get on all the time.

ScummyMummy · 23/10/2004 14:40

I agree up to a point, mckenzie. And clearly you're absolutely not an awful mother, nickiey. But I definitely share Branster's concerns that your husband pushed you in the first place, honey. I don't think it's rocket science to conclude that physical fighting between adults isn't any good for anyone- even if you're equally matched in terms of strength and power, which would be v unusual. I'm a bit concerned that you seem to be talking about it in "not great, but it happens" terms, tbh, because that suggests to me that you think it's ok for it to happen, as long as your son doesn't see?

Miriam2 · 23/10/2004 14:54

My parents fought constantly, verbally in front of us, plus slamming doors, throwing things etc, and physically when we were in bed (ie we could hear it all) The point I am making though is I'm sure they'd always done it but I don't recall being aware of it before about the age of 8. I think if you make an effort not to let it happen again, either in front of your ds or not, no harm will be done at this point.

hercules · 23/10/2004 14:57

How old is your ds nickiey?

Original poster

nickiey · 23/10/2004 18:32

He will be 3 in December.

OP posts:

marthamoo · 23/10/2004 18:36

On a slightly ligher note try and get it sorted before he goes to school - or you will go in for Parents' Evening and read in one of his books "I hate it when Mummy and Daddy have an arguement [sic]. I shout to make them stop but they are shoting so noiseily [sic] they don't hear me and it makes me sad."

ScummyMummy · 23/10/2004 18:45

moo.

hercules · 23/10/2004 19:25

I doubt he'd remember. Don't stress about it, just learn from it which you obviously are.

Caligula · 23/10/2004 19:40

I agree with Branster. People do yell and scream and stress, but a man pushing a woman rings alarm bells in my head. Like Scummymummy says, usually men and women aren't matched in terms of strength, which is why when they start fighting, it's usually the woman who ends up with the bruises - which is why men aren't supposed to hit or push women.

hercules · 23/10/2004 19:49

Rereading your post - how does your dh feel about what happened?

It's normal to argue but physical is a no no.

If he is sorry truely he should be arranging some sort of therapy/counselling.

Original poster

nickiey · 24/10/2004 09:23

Hey everyone-Thanks so much for the reasurrance
Now for some of my own!

there is no need to worry about dh and I - although he pushed me, he was very very prevoked and I then hit him back so it is the both of us at fault and not just him.

To be honest tho' this is so so rare, for us to do this-and it was BOTH of us and as well we are both fine, we talked it through are so utterly ashamed and have sworn not to descend to that again.
I do believe tho' that some relationships are more fiesty than others-dh parents never faught in front of him whereas mine faught all the time.
We are not proud f this at all and believe me will do everything we can to not let it happen again but because it did happen doesnt make him a wife beater and nor me visa versa.

Anyhow thanks so much for your comments-we are all fine now and that is the main thing, as we cant change what happened-just what happens in the future.

OP posts:

hercules · 24/10/2004 09:28

It is a good thing for kids to see parents work through arguements as this is real life.

Time to get on with life

edam · 24/10/2004 10:03

Glad you are feeling happier Nickiey. But I would think about how you are going to explain to ds that he mustn't hit girls if he sees dh hitting you (even if you are more than capable of hitting back). Generally boys/men are stronger than girls/women so 'you never hit girls' is still an important lesson, I think. Well, never hit anyone but especially don't hit girls - boys do enjoy rough and tumble. And never hit anyone smaller than you are...

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