DH depression and snapping

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DH has been low level depressed for some years. A lot is related to his work, overbearing boss who constantly shoots him down. I’ve encouraged him to get a new job, put a lot of effort into building him up, helping him, but he’s only ever applied for one job. Keeps saying he will do, but just browses listings with no action.

He’s been increasingly snappy and shouty, snapping at me over little things and constantly shouting at our small kids, for stupid stuff like just playing in a messy way. Just what kids do.

He’s starting therapy but won’t go see a doctor. I love the guy and he is incredibly hard working and does loads around the house etc. But he won’t sort this out and is turning into a shouty grump bag and I can’t take it - especially towards the kids.

I’m feeling worn out and worn down and don’t know what to do. I don’t feel I’ve got anyone in real life I can talk to because we are religious and marriage is for life and anyone I’ve tried to speak to has either told me to suck it up or leave.

I don’t know what I’m expecting posting here, but any kind of advice would be appreciated. I can’t carry on like this but I’m terrified to end it or anything, I don’t want to loose everything we have - I feel totally trapped.

Look after yourself and your own well-being . Otherwise you will get dragged down too. Find someone to talk to to offload to. Make time for yourself to do something for you .
It’s not selfish to put yourself first . If you don’t then you can’t look after anyone else as you will become unwell too.

Bumping for you.

You say you are religious and marriage is for life. Have you ever thought that this is your only life and it shouldn't be spend in a miserable situation?

You love him, but want things to change, could you tell him how you feel and ask him to see his gp or you will reconsider your set up?

This isn't just about you though, do you really think your dc deserve an angry and miserable dad?

Best of luck, you need to do something not just think .

If you are religious, what do you think his religion would tell him about this? About being a good husband? About treating his wife and children well?

Being depressed isn’t an excuse to treat your family badly.
If he won’t see a GP and seek help then you will have to do what he won’t. Put you and the kids first and get them away from this.

Has the onset of this depression coincided with the DC coming along?

Not all people are suited to family life. Unfortunately, many of them don't realise this until its too late.

If it pre-dates the DC, then it looks like you've married a man who enjoys being miserable and taking it out on others. If you're determined not to divorce then could you live separately? You need to protect your dc from the toxic drip drip drip of negativity.

I would tell him that he can't behave in that way around your children. That he needs to take himself off for a run or go in another room if he feels irritable and angry. You will support him with his depression but that he can't take his frustrations out on you and the DC. I'd also ask your religious leader to talk with your H, is there support your religious community can give you? I'd also be pushing him to see a GP. Can his family talk to him or help?

You didn't cause this, you can't cure it and you can't control it. You must try to emotionally detach and look to yourself and DC. Make that your priority. Be very kind to yourself and look out for your own mental well being.

Being depressed and not liking your job doesn't give anyone carte blanche to be abusive to their family. Pull him up on his behaviour. Stay strong.

This doesn’t have to be your life.