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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Whats going on ?

11 replies

Hippychickbbbb · 02/12/2020 04:01

Hi please don't judge as I've been bullied so much, had a bad relationship, so have never learnt what a good relationship looks like but I just though somethings not right please explain to me why he's doing this . Ive had relationship problems for a while ,but he's said sorry for saying mean things or says fair enough last time he bought me flowers but then he repeated all the things he said that was mean. He has resented me for having health issues, asthma , severe allergies, ive had near anaphacis sorry for smells ,huge rashes whole body ,gasping for air so I ran to open up a window he said he got annoyed with way I opened the windows, im annoying as I fall over ,im hard to love cos of my allergies, as he had to get rid of his stuff I couldn't breathe, and had whole body rashes , he apologised for recently, he mocks me ,ig makes noises when I talk, or pulls a face ,accuses me of being difficult 😢 when I needed his help, I rarely ask for help 😢 then when I say or explain to not speak to me like this he ither dose it more or say im going on at him ,I only said to not mock me or pull horrid face , at me, he's like this out the blue when stressful times happen, other times he listens then goes back to mocking me , shaking head, when I said im going talking about my feelings how he makes me feel he says your feelings in a horrid way. I said how much this upsets me im sick of it, I said it made be want to divorce him it affect s me so much, he said good luck with divorce papers, he then went out bought me flowers said sorry but next day continued belitting me, when I said not to do that he didn't seem to care. When I had health concerns over his treatment that was valid as studies prove it he said my concerns where me trying to ruin things control things, when I said other times those same things hurt me belittling didn't acknowledge this and said I turn things round to me, but I was pointing out his sarcastic oh no , mocking when I gave opinions, thought s feelings I said im only say something about what your doing that isn't very nice and to stop, he said women don't know when to shut up, or as a joke that or makes comments I can see why men where sexist, he uses my own reaction against me , when he's horrid, I try to stay calm , and talk, other times if I stick up for myself he says im being bolshy or I have an attitude, I dont I just told me pleaded with him to show me respect if I talk I cant share anything without him getting annoyed , ive done so much for him be there for him, cooked cleaned, massages, emotional support, being happy , anything is used against me, or he gets annoyed about anything at random, if I stand up for myself he said I was backchatting, he is very kind empathetic to others not me , im at my tether ,he doesn't know how he feels about me he said then claims to love me, and he said he seems it then says he's only saying it to keep the peace, if I do nice things, he has said im just doing it for my self or I have an agenda which I dont , im thinking of everyone. He gives me false hope he will change, my heads spinning. I'm not a doormat ,where do I go from here, ? I dont want this environment for my child how many chances do I give? If I leave i need support so many let me down ppl encouraged me to stay , not understand how this situation is affecting me ive tried to be strong but im not a robot im sad its like this.

OP posts:
tinyvulture · 02/12/2020 06:15

He sounds like a bully. I know it’s never easy, but I think you need to split from him. Hope you are ok. X

PirateCatQueen · 02/12/2020 06:19

Agree that you’ll be better off without him.

PigsInHeaven · 02/12/2020 06:23

Nothing about this relationship sounds as if it improves your life in any way.

Suzi888 · 02/12/2020 06:25

Well he sounds horrible, it’s not normal behaviour and it’s not food for your child.
Would he see a counsellor to talk through your issues? if not I really think you need to consider leaving.
Do you love him or are you afraid of leaving/being on your own.
He shouldn’t be treating you like this, it’s disgusting and I don’t think he will change.

DianeChambers · 02/12/2020 06:29

Youve given far too many chances. Your child deserves better than go grow up in this environment. Leave this awful man.

Hippychickbbbb · 02/12/2020 07:51

Thanks for the replies, I have been in a state on confusion, as he can be nice loving, but the mocking sarcastic , belittling not letting me have my opinion thoughts and not listening when I tell him to spot mocking me being sarcastic, this all happens to be when he's stressed, he blames me and stress for his behaviour, other times he tries to change, acts caring, so I was left so confused, sorry for typos , ive had almost no emotional support for this, I tried to leave couldn't find anywhere, tried to speak to friends they didn't understand apart from one, the councelor just pointed out the fact that he's sometimes loving and said maybe he's mean as he's worried about your health?!!! A support worker told me , I could stay if I wanted , I couldn't believe it, it dosent matter how much I change my behaviour he still acts like this, if I show any emotion when he's being mean he points it out says the problem is with me, he's even called me mental for crying from his mean comments, im not allowed to have a bad day he uses that against me says I'm negative if I show a hint of emotion ie fear or jumping or frustration just normal lifes problems, he's made jokes over past digs at me then said I was being too sensitive if I said something, he gets annoyed if I don't realise he needs time alone ,he expects me to mind read him, im scared if I leave i wont be believed, he told his sister about about she blamed me for everything, his mum blamed me when I had pnd it wasn't my fault I just had pmd ,my mum having believed me then let me down, I tried to stay with her having said I could then said I couldn't. She told me peolpe won't want to help me, I will try and find some plan out as your right I cant tolerate this any more . And my daughter needs a better environment,
I grew up with my dad an horrid man, my mum the same when I was older, I have no brothers or sisters near they live far away.

OP posts:
Hippychickbbbb · 02/12/2020 08:51

Hes never showed me empathy over my feelings, and the loving is him buying me presents, the occasion hand hold, peck on the cheek when he leaves, he might thank me for cooking, and I might get the odd hug, he also turned my upset feelings into songs with a smiles its fun for him, when he's in a good mood he might hug me if I look slightly down , but if I dare show distress, he says I'm negative, so I've tried to be happy and never look too distressed, he has not listened when I said sorry he over heard me speak to a helpline, got annoyed I tried to speak out of earshot, quietly ,he won't listen belittled my reasons for phoning the helpline ,then said I was mentally ill I wasn't I was trying to get support myself ,he overheard me mention him , I was talking about our relationship issues , I needed support, he didn't care how I felt, he said all he cared was sleeping, I was talking in the bathroom as not to disturb him sleeping he got up to go to the loo , I didn't mean to annoy him, also said shut shut shut f up wouldn't let me speak I said I was only explaining I didn't know he wasn't talking about me when I said about rude was of taking he said sarcastically 'sorry your little ears heard it ' when I said how his rude way of taking made me feel , he said sarcastically" all because I told you to shut up" . He has been to counciling twice as they only allow 2 sessions, the more he dose this the less I love him. I have tried to shield my dd away from this as much as possible.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 02/12/2020 09:01

He's a knob. He isn't even treating you as though he likes you
Divorce him

Bunnymumy · 02/12/2020 11:07

It's called the cycle of abuse.

He is a horrible abusive bully and you absolutely should divorce him.

Suzi888 · 02/12/2020 11:55

He will make you ill if you stay. You’ve tried counselling, he’s not interested by the sounds of it. He will continue to vent frustrations on you because it makes him feel better and he doesn’t have the guts to vent frustrations elsewhere. You’ll spend your life shielding your Dd, but it’ll be impossible as she gets older and his behaviour will probably worsen.

DianeChambers · 02/12/2020 18:36

Your counsellor is shit. This is text book abusive behaviour. Of course theyre nice sometimes. Thats a tactic.

Het rid of him and get fid of the counsellor.

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