Alcoholic DM.

[rb125]

This will probably be a word vomit so apologies for any typos and for being very long!

I want to start this of by saying I am quite young, I'm not married and don't have any children. I discovered mumsnet after a chemical pregnancy I had a while ago. Due to this I still live at home and I'm not 100% independent yet. I just wasn't sure where else to go.

I have started therapy recently with an amazing lady, and because she is so good at what she does she has helped me realise that my mum's alcoholism actually has probably affected me way more than I originally thought. I never knew she was an alcoholic until she told me she was in AA. She has now been almost half a year sober. I always thought her getting drunk everyday more or less was normal.

I have been an emotional mess the past week after realising that she really was an alcoholic and not just your typical 'wine mum'. It has also made things make sense. I am quite emotionally distant from her and I always thought that was just how I was, but it's because I couldn't trust her and I'm still not sure if I can. One example was when I was 16 I used to work in a takeaway and one of the boys there was about 20 I believe and pretty much used me for sex. I confided in her a couple times but it never made me feel better as she would say things like 'next time you know not to give it away so easily'. From this, she was once very drunk after seeing her friend and came into the shop and said quite loudly 'Is that (insert boys name here)', which luckily it wasn't, but I still didn't want her doing that. I told her this whilst she was still drunk (not really knowing she was) and she proceeded to get angry at me trying to tell me that 'she was only looking out for me' which I do get, but it really made me upset when she did it.

I would see her get pissed so often as a child but I can' really remember how it made me feel as it was normal to me. It wasn't until I got older it started to bother me. She would wait until she had a drink to quiz me on my life and would press me to give her an answer even if I didn't want to. It was usually in front of her friends or my dad as well. One that sticks with me is when I was 16 (again haha), she made me tell her I had, had sex with my boyfriend at the time (not dodgy takeaway man that is) in front of her friend as well as her daughter and my younger brother (them being around 11 at the time).

I can talk to her fine, but I do feel quite angry towards her and think that she is quite selfish. I know that she really is trying but sometimes just hearing her cough makes me so angry, but that probably myself being selfish instead.

I know she has her reasons for why she turned to drinking. She has had some traumatic experiences when she was young, and she has been depressed with OCD and had very bad post natal depression after having me. I think I am anxiously attached due to this, and I had a childminder growing up which wasn't the nicest of people which didn't help matters. I just remember when I was in primary school, probably fro about year 2, always feeling nervous. I never really had anyone to attach to fully as my primary caregiver wasn't really clear (from my small amount of knowledge of A level psychology when I was briefly in college). I definitely think I suffered from being anxious as a child as I can remember I would wet the bed a lot and myself too. One time when I was probably about 7 or 8 wet myself whilst out shopping with my child minder and when she found out she made me feel really embarrassed by talking about it nastily in the car to her sister (she was just there to shop) whilst the other children (so my friends) could hear too and then when we got back shouted at me for what felt like forever in the next room so they other children could still hear. I still cry talking about it as it was just so shaming and I don't think there was any need. She did some other questionable things too which made me never really feel 100% settled.

(TW: sexual assault for this part)
Its quite annoying timing as it feels everything is on top of each other. My boyfriend dumped me a month ago and I'm currently dealing with being sexually assaulted a year ago. It's all just a bit much!

I'm not trying to paint my mum out to be a bad person, because she isn't, I just want to clarify.

Has anyone gone through something similar in anything I've mentioned and can offer some advice or even just a virtual hug? It been quite a busy week for my head.

Thank you for anyone that got to the end

Just re-read this, a busy week and it's only Tuesday haha

It sounds like you're just coming to terms with your mum's condition, and just how much it's impacted you growing up. With the councelling as well, particularly after the first couple of sessions, I found it got into the really deep uncomfortable territory, so I would continue to write down as many of your thoughts and feelings and share them with your councellor.

It is such a hard realisation to come to terms with, you mentioned your dad and brother being around too - how have they dealt with things?

I have gone through similar, though it took until my kids reached the age i was when my mum's drinking started being a problem, for me to start processing what had happened.

To be honest, it does impact me - but with counseling and a good partner, I can see where my blind spots are.

There wasn't any 'abuse' of me, more emotional neglect really - like you say, she was a good person going through clearly terrible times, I just wish things were better for her and the fallout wasn't so extensive.

@Timeforabiscuit It's definitely been a weird one since my therapy session last week!

I don't really talk to them about it, but I probably should eventually. From what I've gathered my Dad would get upset with her when she got drunk and my younger brother I think mainly found it difficult as she got very loud when she was drunk and he is autistic so struggles with loud noises. That's the extent of what I know really.

@Timeforabiscuit also for your second message: I'm glad you have been able to start processing everything and much as I'm so sorry it happened to you, it's comforting to know I'm not the only one.

I wishing you all the best x

That sounds very difficult for you OP. It is a lot to make sense of.

While some dysfunction is absolutely the norm in families, people are flawed and fallible and they behave really appallingly to others at times, to me reading through what you have written it sounds like you were in an excessively dysfunctional category.

Dysfunction in families often leads to childhood trauma and usually excessive dysfunction leads to significant trauma. Your mother’s difficulties have had consequences for you and it is not a question of whether she is a good or a bad person, that is almost always irrelevant because most people are a mix of some good and some bad qualities, her significantly dysfunctional behaviour has caused significant trauma for you and that is what you want to address here.

It definitely takes a while to determine the outcome you can best manage in this and the path you want to move forward with but almost certainly it will take some grief for what you went through in the past. That, like any grieving process, is a painful process. But in most instances except with significant denial we don’t get to avoid the pain of grief in life. One of the purposes of facing into that grief is so that we don’t repeat the traumas of the past onto our future children or on to other we love the so called cycle of abuse.

Lots of us on here have our own similar trauma to deal with and the Stately Homes thread here is great for support if you need it.

@20shadesofgreen Thank you for your response, and thank you for the recommendation for the thread, I have seen it a couple times but thought it was about actual Stately Homes lol, but I'll have a look.

I second stately homes as a fantastic thread, particularly when you are starting to get to grips with things - also the adult children of alcoholics website has some good resources to dip into.

I found it was particularly around Christmas that it was particularly painful, I think as the gulf between 'normal' families and what I experienced seemed bigger and more jarring.

Thank you @Timeforabiscuit for all the advice, I'll definitely have a look :)

One massive hug from me angel.

Me too hun , big hugs

Call Al-Anon,see if you can get to a meeting.It will help you way more than counselling.