When i was growing up, I was always told no one would ever want or love me for a myriad of reasons.
I was also brought up to believe that the worst thing that could happen to a woman was to be dumped. When my first boyfriend hit me at 17, my mum asked what I'd done to deserve it and told me afterwards that I should behave myself in future or next time he might dump me.
I've lived in fear and belief of not being good enough since.
I've never had a good or long term relationship (most are a few months at best). I get hugely anxious if i try and my biggest fear is around being dumped because sex isn't good enough.
I think this particular fear stems from the fact I was raped at 19, which impacted on me sexually although not in terms of fear around men generally. I'm very fearful of sex and have largely avoided it over the years by dating men who have ED or very low sex drives or who just aren't really interested in me.
I can't have relationships with men if I'm genuinely attracted to them or if we are compatible. The anxiety is huge and I either behave in ways that sabotage the relationship or dump them.
I have had reasonably sexually fulfilling fwbs - I'm a lot more confident and relaxed with men I have no emotional attachment to because I don't care if they end the fwb and I don't worry what they will think of me sexually. I don't feel they are looking at me thinking, "Is this the best sex i can hope for if I stay with her?" because 'staying' isn't part of the deal! I know they are there because they want to be and not because the 'have' to be because of feelings.
It's come up for me now because I recently ended a relationship where my anxiety was too great. I didn't tell him the reason why and we remained friends.
I had a lot of fear and anxiety around sex with him while we were together but have recently realised that I could have a far more comfortable and fun sexual relationship with him now we are just friends! I'd feel a lot 'safer' discussing wants and likes etc. and trying stuff out. I don't have feelings for him anymore but still think he is attractive.
Relationships don't really feel safe to me really.
As soon as I develop feelings, i become tense and clam up and run. But without the expectation of feelings or love or any of that stuff, I feel far more relaxed and comfortable. I'm very good at shutting off my feelings and was really cross with myself that I couldn't do that with the last man I dated when we were together although I have done now.
In a nutshell, I can either do the emotional stuff or the sexual stuff but I don't seem to be able to reconcile the two in one relationship. I guess I can't really equate sex with love. They are very separate things to me.
Can anyone relate to this and have you overcome it?