Anyone left an "ok" marriage and not regretted it?

[notsubscribed]

Just that really. When I say "ok" I mean no huge rows, no abuse, no affairs.

Married for 30 years, no sex life to speak of, low level irritation, living as housemates.

I just don't know which way to turn, I haven't felt happily married for some years now. I think it started to go downhill when we got high speed internet. He always used porn occasionally but once it became freely available he was like a kid in a sweet shop. It led to ED problems which affected our intimacy a lot. We discussed it at the time when I discovered his internet history, and I said basically that if using porn affected our life as a married couple, he had to choose. Anyway he agreed to cut down (he said he couldn't promise he would never do it again).

We are ten years down the line now, and I genuinely don't think he uses porn anymore (simply because we both wfh and he's rarely in the house alone) and our sex life has dwindled to nothing. He has said over the past few years that his libido has just diminished and he doesn't think about it.

Anyway the long and the short of it is I'm just unhappy and feel like I want out, but I worry that I will walk away and regret it. It feels like such a massive undertaking to sort the house out and move on as a single person.

I did. I thought it was an ok marriage. In fact I still loved him.
But I realise now how not ok it all was. I suspect the same will happen to you if you leave.
And even at that, I can honestly say I never regretted it for a second. Yes, it was hard/sad/painful, but it was the correct decision. My husband was not going to change, things were not going to improve and what it boiled down to was, the relationship was not working for me.

You only have one life.

Although I wasn't married for 30 years, I felt totally unfulfilled, and like we were on different paths. A friend asked me what I wanted my life to be in 5 years' time. When I really thought about that question, I realised I didn't want it to be how it currently was. I still loved him but didn't want to be with him. I moved out, we kept in contact, and occasionally went out. After about 2 years I actually got closure, and realised I didn't want him in my life anymore. There is still the off Facebook contact but nothing else. I am much much happier, and have been able to live my life, not been an extension of his.

I was in a marriage exactly like this. No abuse or affairs, just unhappiness. I left and I've never regretted it.

What you’ve just described wouldn’t be an ok marriage to me. Your not happy so you need to change something. Life is short don’t waste the rest of the time you have being unhappy

Well, it is easy to say "you have one life.... , Make the most if it". Making the most if it might be leaving or it might be staying if improvements can be made.

What age are you? Are you financially independent? Would you have a good quality of life living independently?

Are you in good health?. Has this year taken its toll?

So do you want sex? Do you want it with your husband or with someone else?

Low level irritation after thirty years married and both working at home doesn't sound unusual tbh.... Will you feel better if/ when you go back to work?

Are you happy with the possibility of being single for the rest of your life if you do split? Or do you want another relationship? What do you think about when you envisage the future?

@JessieR2386 that's a lot of questions I'll try and answer...

I'm 51, I have some savings and work but he is a much higher earner than me. No doubt I would have to work more hours, possibly find a new job if I was living alone.

I'm in pretty good health but I'm menopausal which is bringing its own issues.

Do I want sex...well I think about it daily, and definitely long for the intimacy, but we have sex so infrequently it now feels awkward when we do.

I'm already working, my job has always been from home (both wfh doesn't help much, familiarity breeds contempt etc)

This year has taken its toll yes, there are also wider family issues that are causing me stress. I think the whole covid thing has made me realise that in normal times we rely too much on holidays/weekends away etc for having something to look forward to and that keeps us going, when it comes to the bare bones of it I'm not sure there's much left to our marriage.

I don't know about the future, I don't feel there's much on offer for fiftysomething women. I only have to look at friends who've split from their husbands and the hassle/disappointment they have with dating, I'm certainly not under the illusion that the grass is greener which is why I'm so overwhelmed and undecided about what to do. I can't deny I sometimes fantasise about having my own little place that nobody messes up, where I can sleep solidly in a big bed on my own every night!

I'm totally confused about what I want, I just know I'm not happy.

Many women are happily single. I would feel more lonely being with someone who didn't make me happy than I would being single.

Sorry for all the questions , I was trying to understand more if the sutuation. I'm in my forties, with young adult children.... I've been with my husband for 28 years . We have had our issues like you have had although ours are predominantly that my husband drank too much alcohol..... It still affected our sex life and made it almost non existent for a while.

We split up for 18 months a few years ago and it was utterly miserable. Thankfully he thought so to and since we have got back together we have both tried so much harder and our relationship is better. I feel that I am now in this marriage for the long run,bloke you I felt confused about what I wanted for. Long time before that. The confusion and questioning can make you miserable I think.

I feel relying on holidays to cheer you up normally might be indicative of you feeling unhappy about your life overall rather than just your marriage... I know you feel that there isn't much left to your marriage but if I was in your position I would say take six months , or a year and really try to resolve your issues...will your husband go to the doctors about his loss of libido? ( my husband did and it did help).... When I was separated I started cooking lessons and volunteering and started going to the movies by myself. I kept it all up and it made my marriage better. That was all pre covid though but life will open up again ..

Could you have your own room and stay with your husband... Either as a craft room type thing or a bedroom ... Is that a possibility? Can you have some of that life you fantasise about but stay in your marriage?.

We have pottering nights now where we do our own thing and don't talk much.... I need the quiet at times ( my husband doesn't). It all helps.

Good luck whatever you decide but making the decision one way or another will help. You are in a type of limbo just now and you need a break from it. Xxx

What @Skyla2005 said - I wouldn’t call a no sex life an “okay” marriage. At the very least you should both go to relationship counselling before anything else.

You have posted the thread I have been considering. Now I don't know whether to go ahead and post my own thread, or just read yours...

But you are not alone in how you feel.

I have separated from my h. I was lonelier when we were together than I am now. Even with covid and not seeing people very much.
I'm not going to lie, it's difficult at times. I have had regrets for the dc, not for me. I don't like them feeling they have to go and see their dad, it feels like an effort for them. But it wouldn't be an effort if he was different (I think)
I could have plodded on as it would inevitably have been "easier" but not the right thing to do.

Unfortunately I don't have space for my own room currently, have both the adult dc staying and the other room is an office.

I think this is exacerbating the problem at the moment as I just feel like I get no peace and quiet to just sit and read a book etc, the house is constantly busy and full.

He sounds rather passive in all of this - does he not care that his libido had gone AWOL? As a man myself I find it hard to believe that he really doesn't think about it - most men still have desires well into their 60s and beyond if they are healthy.

I agree with @jessier2386 - it sounds as though the position is salvageable and you probably shouldn't take irrevocable decisions until things are a bit more normal and you are not stuck in the house with him 24/7. But you do need to sit him down with or without a counsellor and make sure he engages with the issues and his part in resolving them.

That doesn't sound like an ok marriage. Where's the intimacy and connection? The fact that you feel so awkward during sex shows how far apart you are. He should have quit his porn the moment he saw it was giving him erectile dysfunction. What's so wrong with using his imagination??

Do you initiate in sex? And he's just not interested? Or you wait for him?

I read about this technique where the spouse with more sex drive let's the other know that in the next 24h they would like some action and so the other person has time to get in the mood. Maybe you can try that

@Anothernick I genuinely think he thinks it's normal for libido to wane once you get past your 40s

@grey12 I never initiate anymore, I got very upset at being rejected and he said it me initiating put pressure on him which made ED more likely

I could have written a lot of what you have posted. I'm not unhappy as such, but not happy either. The lack of sex didn't bother me as much in the past, but since lockdown it has a lot. My own libido has been non existent at times in recent years but seems to have returned with a vengeance! We've tried to improve our sex life recently, but sometimes I don't feel I fancy my DH any more, at other times I do.

I feel Covid has confused the issue as life is quite boring. I'm lucky that I have been able to continue going out to work most of the time, and enjoy my job, but I really miss seeing friends and family, and going to gym classes etc. And just generally being able to go out for meals, theatre etc.

But then maybe those things just helped obscure the real issue?

I'm older than you. In some ways I'd love to start over with a new man. But I suspect that is fairly unlikely to happen and I really don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to learn to love being single. I do like my own company and do get to spend time alone, but that's as far as it goes.

Basically we get on well and enjoy a lot of the same things. We have been through a lot in our marriage- not related to our relationship - and have always felt like a team. I'm not sure why I'm doubting that now. I long for something more romantic and connected but that's probably just a fantasy.

So no advice to give and certainly no answers.

I don't know about the future, I don't feel there's much on offer for fiftysomething women. I only have to look at friends who've split from their husbands and the hassle/disappointment they have with dating, I'm certainly not under the illusion that the grass is greener which is why I'm so overwhelmed and undecided about what to do. I can't deny I sometimes fantasise about having my own little place that nobody messes up, where I can sleep solidly in a big bed on my own every night

I had to respond when I read this. There is so much on offer in the world for you! Fifty something is not old! I’d suggest reframing you’d thinking. Maybe as a first step speak frankly to your husband about how you feel — you’re thinking of leaving so a frank conversation means you’ve nothing to lose! Maybe you’ll somehow improve things together or maybe you’ll come to the conclusion you should break up but at least open up dialogue around it. It’s a big deal.

*your thinking

It's easy to blame a lack of sex on an unavoidable age-related decline in libido but in our experience - we are in our early 60s - this decline is quite modest and sex remains an important and enjoyable part of life. I have - so far - been pleasantly surprised by the continued desire and ability of both my DW and me in this respect despite our advancing years. We have always had an active sex life so perhaps it's because we have, as it were, kept the machinery in regular use, but you certainly shouldn't write off your sex life in your 40s or 50s - that's far too young.

I did, last year after 26 years together. Admit that starting again at 51 had its challenges and I’ve been lonely at times during the lockdowns but the benefits far outweigh the downsides.
There was nothing wrong per se but we were like siblings rather than partners and the differences between us were becoming much more of an issue. I’m impulsive and happy to try new things but he was very risk averse and quite set in his ways.
I just sat on the sofa one day and had visions of my old age and how it would be and decided that I wasn’t prepared to live like that any more.

I agree with a pp, a frank discussion is needed here. You are seriously considering leaving a 30 year marriage because you feel so unhappy. I did leave a long marriage for that 18 months but I don't regret it because the marriage I have now is so much healthier than the one we had before we split up. It's difficult for people to tell you what to do because the only person who actually knows what it is to live with your husband is you, and you're the only one who can decide what to do.... I think it's interesting and telling that you asked for stories of people who had left an okay marriage, rather than stories of people who had stayed and worked on it. I do feel your heart isn't in the marriage , and this can cause its own problems. It won't get better if you don't start really being honest with each other and talking. That has to be where you start. Because that will help whether you stay together or whether you don't.

Basically we get on well and enjoy a lot of the same things. We have been through a lot in our marriage- not related to our relationship - and have always felt like a team. I'm not sure why I'm doubting that now. I long for something more romantic and connected but that's probably just a fantasy.

I feel exactly the same. It seems a lot to give up in search of romance.

I am in the same boat. No abuse, affairs but just had enough. Youngest is 18 in 18 months so holding out until then. Have been socking money away and have a cash stash built up, been building for the last two years. Happy to give up the house and go live in a little one/two bed, have good earning power thankfully. 20 year marriage.

I say start stashing money, improving career and revisit the idea in a year. If it still sounds good, cut the cord. I'm already looking forward to living alone again