Anger damaging family - how to deal with it

[Mazig]

I think my marriage is in trouble. We have been married 20 years and have two DC, 16 and 13. I don’t know what’s happened or how long things have been getting worse. I don’t know if it’s the stress of COVID making it worse but I know it’s been going on at least a year.

DH is so angry all the time. His relationship with DS is awful. He shouts at him and it’s not normal and he claims he doesn’t do it. I don’t think he had any idea how unpleasant his behaviour towards him is.

Two final straws in the last week. First, DH and DS (13) arguing over something pointless like getting ready for dinner. Both are shouting but DH loses his temper and says he is going to punch DS in the face. He’s never hit anyone, never been physically violent and I don’t think he would be. But that language is unacceptable and the fact that I didn’t take action then is an indication of how that level of aggression towards DS has become normalised.

Second, a pointless argument between us tonight. It’s over something so stupid I can’t even explain it - something to do with a style of architecture in DS’s homework. He kept trying to prove he was right and I could feel it was escalating into an argument, so I said I wasn’t interested or I didn’t care or something like that. He lost it, screamed at me to fuck off, that I can be rude to him and that’s ok and it’s never ok for him to be rude to me and that he’s sick of it. I’m shouting back by this point and so I feel partly to blame, but am I? It was something so trivial and he exploded from nothing and I don’t even understand why. He stormed off, went to bed without saying another word to me (this was 10pm). He does that every so often, walks off and leaves an argument and he says it’s to stop the argument but I find that cold and unkind too. If we’d talked things through I might have felt better, I could have told him I think he needs to do something to resolve this, instead he’s left me to worry on my own with it.

I’ve spent the last three hours crying, agonising over what to do. I can’t work out what’s gone wrong. I feel like I can’t stay with things like this but it will feel out of the blue and I don’t know where to begin with unpicking things, especially in lock down. DD is off school for isolation so she’ll be here in the morning and I don’t want to upset her. I’ve got no plan or strategy, I feel like he’s unwell somehow, depression or stress, but that doesn’t make it ok and I don’t want the children exposed to this behaviour. Can he go to a hotel? Are any open? DD can’t leave house, I’m worried about him but this has become unacceptable for the children and I can’t let those two things go.

Anyone have any wise words?

Yes, you are right, you can't let your children be treated like this any longer.

I find it interesting that you are considering therapy for your husband but not your son who is the one being victimised. Interesting too that you say the children are being exposed to this behaviour when your own words describe them being subjected to it. Poor DS being threatened by his dad and his mum backing it up. Then his dad kicks off again and his mum says she doesn't care. And why can't it end? Because his sister might be upset. You need to reset your priorities towards your children and away from your DH. When you are thinking of someone's mental health let it be first the children's then yours and only then angry man's if there is anything left.

Thank you. A valid point about counselling for DS, I think we all need support, DD too. I hope it’s possible to find some during lockdown. Everything seems harder when you are all stuck together all the time.

Just to be clear, DS wasn’t involved in tonight’s argument as he’d gone to bed. I would never say I don’t care about him, I said I didn’t care about DH’s view as I didn’t want to argue with him. Me taking DS’s side actually causes a lot of the arguments between me and DH because I don’t back DH because I don’t agree with him.

Anyway, by letting it go on I’ve not done a good job anyway so maybe those points don’t matter. But I would like to find the best way to resolve this without hurting anyone, especially if DH is unwell. I had depression and he supported me, if I can help him and still support my DC I would like to do both.

Is he owning that he has a problem?

If not, you might have to force him to see it by telling him to leave while he sorts his head out so he can behave like a normal person.

Kind of. He saw GP and tried to act on advice but I don’t think the support was sufficient and then I think COVID had put a huge extra stress on him. He’s not worked since March and under threat of redundancy ever since.

I guess that’s why I want to help not walk away, because it’s 19 good years and 13 months with bad bits. But the things with DS are getting worse and i can’t leave it to resolve itself when Covid is done, it’s gone past that.

I am thinking of asking him to move out. That’s the discussion I want to have tomorrow if I can do it while being sensitive to DD. I think either that or call on every option we have for immediate counselling of some form for him as well as us to see if there is a way to save things.

He used to be so full of joy for everything, I want that back for all of us, him and the children who love him and don’t understand this place we are in. And me.

Thank you for replying. Worrying about these things in the middle of the night is very lonely.

Sounds like he's worried and stressed about the future and has lost control of directing his emotions appropriately because of that.
He needs help to channel them better and see the damage he is doing to his children. (and to you).
Would he accept anger management?
Can he apologise to his son?
(Does he see how it's not good for his son to be spoken to like that?)
It sounds like mentally you are starting to check out. Will that shock him into action?
Not great advice I'm sorry but I noticed you were feeling lonely and wanted to say I'm here awake in the middle of the night too and hugs. X

Well his behaviour is abusive and unacceptable.

What started all this off? Has he had some sort of awful work trauma or been made redundant / financial issues or that sort of thing? Not that any of that would be an excuse for this but it just reads like something inside him has snapped and he hates the whole world and I wonder what’s caused that?

That seems like a good plan. Don't do too much in terms of finding every counselling resource. It has to come from him for it to work. Therapy is not something you can do to someone, no matter how desperately you want it.