Casual sex. Can it work?

[Cantmakeupmind]

Recently been in contact with someone from my past who I was seeing very casually previously and there is potential for it to be a FWB kind of thing. What is everyone’s experience with this and does anyone have any tips? 😊

If he was great in the sack, you know from the off, for certain reasons, that it would never work as a relationship, it could scratch an itch for a while. These setups are best not continuing on for long though, so I wouldn't expect more than a few months out of it.

Works for some, doesn’t work for other. Impossible to tell if it will unless you try.

As to tips - do it if you are genuinely happy with yourself and your single status. Don’t expect that good sex would lead to / or means you are getting into a relationship.
Try to just enjoy yourself.

Its somewone you know already, however theses set ups tend to be short lived as someone usually gets hurt, bored or meets somewone else.

If you're asking others how to make it work, probably not a good idea. I know it would create anxiety and over-analysing for me and I'd want to investigate (like you are). When I've heard of FWB/FB working usually the women know it would work for them, that they would actively seek and enjoy casual sex.

How did the casual situation end before?
Were you hurt in any way? Did you want more than he was prepared to offer you? Was he respectful towards you?

Do you want a FWB? or would you like it to turn into something more?

What were things like when you were just seeing each other casually previously? Did it feel easy and as though you were both happy with the level you were operating at? Why did it end? Was one of you not happy? Was it just a stopgap?

It probably won’t work if you’re actually looking for a relationship. It probably won’t work if you know, from experience, that you tend to get very emotionally attached once you begin having sex with somebody. It definitely won’t work unless you’re both open and communicative about what the arrangement actually is and means for each of you, and you both agree on the terms and conditions, so to speak: will you actually spend time together as friends / doing social things or is it just sex? Will you each be fine with the other having sex with other people or not? Is it understood that it’s just a “for now” thing until one of you meets somebody to have a “proper” relationship with?

I made a FWB arrangement work with now-DP for a couple of years before we decided we liked each other enough to try something a bit more established. I still make FWB arrangements work alongside that with a couple of long-term casual partners I’ve known for years (open relationship.) My key tips are making sure you actually like and respect each other as people and as friends, so that you care enough that you wouldn’t want to hurt the other; and be really hot on the above “terms” part, rather than assuming anything.

Can it work? Yes.

Does it usually? No.

Many times someone catches feelings of some sort. Not necessarily romantic, can be a type of friendship jealousy, or just getting used to the easiness/accessibility of it and then they don’t like when the FWB meets a relationship prospect. Or someone gets bored and wanders off, leaving the other with a bruised ego.

Anytime I’ve had it or seen it work at all is when people kind of fall into it without really thinking about e.g. hook up a few times after nights out in friend group etc.

If you’re already thinking about it in terms of how to make it work (whatever work means) then that’s not the best sign.

You have to make sure you're on the same page. I've recently had a disastrous try at this because FWB meant different things to each of us and we didn't discuss it enough.

I thought I'd be having hot sex with someone who treated me with the same warmth and respect I'd expect from any friend. He thought I'd come over, fuck him, and leave without a word. I found his expectations outrageous and disrespectful. He was confused by mine.

I wouldn't say I'm badly hurt (I wasn't in love with the man or anything.) But my ego feels bruised and I didn't get what I wanted.

I don’t really know why it’s previously ended, we just gradually began speaking less. There was no hard feelings. He is a great guy and I like him as a person but for other reasons I won’t go into, he’s not someone I would want a serious relationship with.

He was always very respectful. I don’t want anything serious at the moment. I am missing having someone to have sex with though. Sex with him was always great! He was very attentive and we both made eachother feel good. I just don’t want to sleep around, it’s not me. I don’t think it would be literally shag and go but I wouldn’t be bothered if he was seeing other people (I’d obviously be safe). We are both single people btw living alone so could form a bubble.

My only concern is if he wants to it go somewhere, I’m not 100% sure on this but I wouldn’t want to hurt him!

I’m in a FWB (of some sort)! It has been almost 18 months. I’m newly divorced (have been in 2 long relationships with very little time alone) and he’s single (both late 40s). He’s a childhood friend and we reconnected after my separation. However, like you, he’s not someone I’d like an ‘official’ relationship with for a number of reasons, as well as needing time alone to focus on myself & my older children, but he is very kind, respectful, honest, we have a good laugh together and we are a strong source of moral support through highs and lows for one another.

We have set the boundaries. We do not sleep with anyone else, we don’t go out on dates, we use terms of endearment (honey, darling etc) we have amazing sex, we speak on the phone every other day and more importantly, I feel very safe with him (I trust him more than my ex H and didn’t think I could feel that way given he was a cheating asshole)!

I’m not going to lie, it’s hard and the lines are getting blurred the longer it goes on. He has told me he loves me a few times. I haven’t said it back as I don’t feel the same, I care about him deeply and very affectionately. His friendship means a lot to me and vice versa. But unfortunately, in these type of situations, someone (if not both) will get hurt. I adore him so much but I also know it’s only a matter of time before he wants a relationship (with or without me) and he has that right. So not only will I lose the ‘benefits’ but I’ll also lose my closest friend because it would be unethical to sustain a platonic friendship whilst we are in other relationships. And this is the thing that makes me so sad.

So the choice is: short term pleasure for future pain or just being super sensible and keeping a platonic friendship. I question whether we should have even started this but we got each other through some really difficult emotional times and we’ll both now be eternally grateful for that. So no, there’s no regret, just every now and then, a little sadness comes over me.

My advice is to think this through very carefully which is obviously what you are doing as you are here!!!

Good luck OP x

That is great advice, thank you for sharing your experience. He’s a great guy. Maybe we should have a conversation first to understand what page we’re both on as if he is wanting more, thats just isn’t what I want or will ever want with him

Yes, definitely important to agree on boundaries from the outset. Also, do bear in mind that the dynamics and/or feelings between you both can change quite quickly once you become frequently intimate with one another so do keep the lines of communication open.

I started a FWB with one of my close friends, however we'd only been friends for about 4 months, just became really close really quick due to our friendship group. I started with no feelings for him and no intention of a relationship whatsoever, it was just for fun. I knew starting this though that he had feelings for me, I just made it clear it was simply FWB. Anyways, I ended up catching feelings myself and we both ended up infatuated and have now been together nearly a year and I couldnt be happier. Probably not what you was looking for but this was my experience.