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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think my mother might be a narcissistic

25 replies

MerinoFroggie · 30/11/2020 22:08

I think growing up things weren't always right at home but I put a lot of it down to my father being a d1ck and my mother taking a lot of stress out onto me. He's long gone now.

The relationship over the past few years between my mother and I improved. I think maybe it was because of her grandchild across the world and my mother has no knowledge of using the Internet or phones and I was the only link between the family abroad and home. They send me pictures regularly and I show them to my mother at home.

Things changed this year though. My mother had some explosive episodes to me this year. About 3 or 4 altogether this year. They were all the same in nature. There was a quite spell from her and her just being off with me. For instance, I would get ready in the morning for work and say 'I'm off now, will see you later' and there was no response from her and I was ignored. Or other times if I was at home she would she ready to go out for a walk and storm out the door without a word. I felt a lot of it had roots in her son. My brother who also lived at home, this behaviour from my mother would come about at a time, when my brother would be off. Like he would be in his room and he would hide out there for weeks and only get up at night time. There was also a strong smell of weed many nights from his room. My mother was not happy with him and her problems with him manifested in her giving me the silent treatment. As if I was responsible for my brothers drink and drug binges. The mothers silent treatments were always broken by her flying off the handle and into explosive rants to me. Like one of her rants occurred when I asked to get a pit from the press. She's hates me because I wasn't born with a cock even though I do my best at home it's never good enough.

My mother is a hoarder. The sitting room was an absolute mess. I said last week that I'm interested in cleaning the room at the weekend to have a clean room for the winter and for the Christmas. I didn't dump anything that she owned. I moved a few things about to create more space and used some hoover bags to store some more things into compact bags. I started cleaning on Saturday and it took me all day long. I was still cleaning on Sunday. The room looked well in the end.

Over the course of the weekend, I bought some supplies online so I could attempt to try and make something of our Christmas. I bought a candleBridge set, and an aerial for the TV to get it working again.

This morning I got up and my mother was in a mood because my brother was still in bed since he came home from a night out on Friday. My mother has some more fresh stuff and storage gone into the sitting room again mainly 3 clothes rails, a clothes horse, 2 other chairs and one of her storage luggage bags.

I was distraught. I spent all weekend cleaning the sitting room, just for my mother to undo my work and put new storage stuff in the room. I wanted a clean warm room to sit into.

I would also like to make something of our Christmas but she is behaving as if there's no point because my brother probably more than likely won't take part in anything to do with family or Christmas or a Christmas day dinner. She definitely has a notion that Christmas is only for her son. If her son displayed an interest in a Christmas she would probably fall over herself to put on the best ever.

Do I cancel all my online orders containing the Christmas decorations and the TV aerial and to fcuk with the family. I see from my online banking the payments have not been processed yet so my orders probably are not fulfilled.

OP posts:
Smellbellina · 30/11/2020 22:13

Save the money towards a deposit and move the heck out!

SimplyRadishing · 30/11/2020 22:16

Move out!!!

This is a totally toxic environment

cotoneaster1 · 30/11/2020 22:19

That's an impossible situation. You can't fix your mother. You need to look after yourself first. I'd save your money and get yourself in a home that feels like home to you. Doesn't sound like narcissist behaviour to me tho.

Apileofballyhoo · 30/11/2020 22:21

Move out.

DoWahDiddy · 30/11/2020 22:22

Cancel the Christmas decorations.

Harmarsuperstar · 30/11/2020 22:42

Can you move out? Sounds awful

MerinoFroggie · 30/11/2020 23:19

Last Christmas turned into a mess. The brother seemed to have been in good form on Christmas eve and he also got up on Christmas morning and he was in good form. Mother started cooking dinner and I helped. When the dinner was ready, I went up to his room to call him and he heard me and said he will be down in a minute. He never came down. My mother became upset over the course of the evening. He got up at night time when we were gone to bed, completely avoiding us. It wasn't the first episode from him and it wasn't the last episode and there was plenty more of that this year. This Christmas will be no different. Here I am trying to make something of our Christmas and brighten up the winter and this year for us and my efforts were completely literally smacked back into my face. I spent the whole weekend cleaning the sitting room to have a nice clean and warm sitting room to go into for the winter. Just for my mother to turn around and undo the work I did.

I'm distraught and ita an absolute embarrassment when there won't even be one Christmas light turned on at home this year because my mother's son and his cock won't be up to view it. I got a tesco delivery of groceries not so long agl and the driver came in and knocked on the door and to double check of I gave the correct address because the place looks derelict.

I put in some cancellation emails on the orders I made over the weekend.

OP posts:
zeddybrek · 30/11/2020 23:27

Hi OP

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's so sad your mother's choices are impacting all of you.

Your mother could choose to spend quality time with you and have a better relationship with you. Instead she has issues of her own and sounds like it's because of a number of things. Being ignored by your brother being one of them.

I would suggest you save your money, and get a deposit together and move on in your life. You will only be disappointed again and again and you're not going to get what you want from them. For your sanity do your own thing. Think about where you'd like to be in 10 or even 20 years time. If you want things to change you have to change something. Good luck OP.

PhoebeSnow · 30/11/2020 23:31

Merino I am sorry your brother is a dick and your mother sounds bloody awful.
My mum is also a hoarder and it’s a nightmare. I have spent weeks clearing and cleaning her flat, just to hear from my cousin that she has started to fill it up again. It’s very disheartening to sat the least. I don’t know what to suggest except that your mental health and finances are more important and you must put yourself first, however hard it may be.

PhoebeSnow · 30/11/2020 23:33

When I moved out it was like a weight had lifted off my shoulders and as pp said unfortunately you will be disappointed again and again, just as I have been.

PhoebeSnow · 30/11/2020 23:35

Make next year your year to move out and leave them to it.

MerinoFroggie · 30/11/2020 23:38

Its definitely on the cards to move out and away.

The hoarding is not the only issue. I was trying to make something of our upcoming Christmas and it's just literally a smack in the face. My brother will write Christmas off and be a loner drugged and spaced out in his room and my mother will turn around and also write Christmas off because there's no cock owner to worship.

OP posts:
MerinoFroggie · 30/11/2020 23:41

For sure Phoebe. I'm going to make next yesr my year to move out and let them to live in their sh1t and stop using me.

I won't be sharing any Christmas pictures from the family abroad if I get them this year either. Mother can go and find herself a course to do in the new year to learn how to use a mobile phone and stop using me.

OP posts:
MerinoFroggie · 01/12/2020 00:12

I think a hard thing this Christmas is that I want to make the most of Christmas. I want to put the year behind us and I would like to appreciate what we have and the health we have. We all stayed safe this year following the public health guidelines and none of us got covid. I want to brighten the Christmas and the winter and have a nice clean room and have some nice food in the house.

My brother will more than likely be writing Christmas off and keeping to himself but here is my mother placing everything and her happiness into his hands and into his lap and thinking Christmas isn't worth celebrating because he's not taking part.

Here I am, on one hand, I'm not alone in person but on the other hand, I'm very alone.

OP posts:
DoWahDiddy · 01/12/2020 01:09

Apart from your relationships with your mother and brother, also turn off the TV.

Namechange2020lalala · 01/12/2020 01:41

You sound a lovely thoughtful person OP. When you move on in your life, aim to create to our traditions with friends and your own family if you have one. Your mother doesn't deserve you but that's her issue, don't blame yourself. Onwards and upwards.

Guineapigbridge · 01/12/2020 03:30

I suspect your mother is huffing and puffing because she has adult children at home that she would rather have move out.
When you're old enough to move furniture about and buy christmas presents, you're ready for a nest of your own. She just wants to live in her own home now, in her own way.

Guineapigbridge · 01/12/2020 03:30

Gah not Christmas Presents! I meant Christmas Decorations.

ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 01/12/2020 03:39

The best Christmas present you could give yourself is the gift of your own place to live.
Save your decorations money for your moving costs!

VictorianChair · 01/12/2020 12:43

You could be my friend's sister. His mother was like this and his brother and sister just stayed with her, in an awful home, an awful atmosphere, never married.
He got the hell out of Dodge, made friends with (sane, nice) cousins, lots of friends, lovely GF. Be him not them! Cancel the orders. If poss book yourself a nice Xmas meal out (not necessarily on Xmas day if there would be Ructions!)(even just a 5000 calorie hot chocolate / mince pie /Xmas cake combo outside at a cafe somewhere nice!). Get a Netflix sub and watch things in your room. Save for a deposit.
You can't change them. Hoarding in particular is just super hard. I'm so sorry. But at least have a good life for yourself. Then you can meet them outside the Hell House and at least one of you will be happy.

MinxyMay · 01/12/2020 23:36

my mother will turn around and also write Christmas off because there's no cock owner to worship

I laughed at this, v funny wording Merino.

But like Other posters, I really do hope you find yourself a new place in the New Year. It sounds a shockingly toxic situation and atmosphere. Time to save yourself. Good luck.

puttergal · 01/12/2020 23:48

I don't know how young you are op, but I suggest you move out of home as soon as possible.
You could live in a house share or as a lodger of rent is too expensive.
Time to distance yourself from your mother & brother and move on with your own life.

pollyglot · 02/12/2020 05:17

Sweetheart, get out of there pronto. Such a toxic environment is doing you terrible damage. Please listen to your old aunt Polly, who knows all about living with a narc mother.

MerinoFroggie · 03/12/2020 13:31

I did reasonably well at cancelling the online purchases that I made. One of them was not cancelled on time and it was dispatched. That was the candlebridge.

Can I ask something please? Instead of returning it, Maybe I could gift it instead. Would it be reasonable to gift a candlebridge set? Or will I just return the item when it arrives and get the money back that way?

We're into Thursday and all the storage that she put into the clean sitting room on Monday morning is still there.

There won't be a light turned on this year at home no doubt because of the brother hiding not in his room and the mother bowing to him. Jevohah Witnesses would probably make more of an effort to celebrate Christmas than we would.

I'm distraught. The yesr was awful and I wanted to put the year behind us and brighten up the winter and the Christmas and also be thankful for what we do have and be thankful for our health too because none of us got covid.

OP posts:
lifestooshort123 · 03/12/2020 19:04

You sound a lovely person but you cannot live their lives for them so I'd leave them be. Can you make your room Christmassy, get in some treats and keep them in there just for you? Let them wallow in their own mess (they are allowed to) and plan on where and when you can move out. Good luck.

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