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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it abuse? Does he still love me?

12 replies

Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 30/11/2020 19:43

So my Mum died in April from covid. Dad died nearly 6 years ago. Husband hasn't given much in way of support other than wash the dishes daily and co parent. According to him this is enough and I should be grateful. I am an only child. Husband and I were struggling because every argument ends in him saying I'm too much or I'm horrible and storming off before I've had a chance to speak. So I booked marriage counselling which he wasn't keen on. One session later he told me to cancel it. He stated in that one session that I'm 'too much' and 'jealous' of him because he 'still has a grandma, both his parents and 2 brothers'. I've tried to contact the wives of the 2 brothers and have given up as they often don't reply to my attempts at communicating because they're so busy they forget to reply. Anyway today I left work early to see him and our daughter. I thought I'd make a veggie shepherds pie and veg as a treat and cooked and my slipped disc flares up. My back went into spasm. My daughter called him to help me. He never came. I called him. Eventually he comes down. Complaining the kitchen is a mess. Complaining there's all this washing up to do. Then I found out a colander he'd washed and pointed out it needed a clean... he says 'you wash it yourself then'....I had to get the pie out and my back is killing me. The plates. Serve it. I serve him and my daughter and walk off. He didn't even care that I was crying. Hasn't even come up to say come and have dinner. I'm sorry. He's sniped at me the whole evening. Yesterday he told me he hates Xmas and wtf was I putting up decorations and the tree. I'm tired of him constantly yelling at me. Belittling me. I need to go down to make packed lunch for our daughter and I feel too scared cos hes in a horrid mood. I'm pathetic. I'm in too much pain too.

OP posts:
hotpotlover · 30/11/2020 19:44

Yes, this is abusive

DianeChambers · 30/11/2020 19:46

Can you leave him?

Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 30/11/2020 19:47

I wish I could. I'm too scared to

OP posts:
WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 30/11/2020 19:49

I think it sounds like life would be a whole lot better without him chipping away at you and treating you like nothing.

Nobody should treat you like he is.

MobLife · 30/11/2020 19:55

Doesn't matter whether anyone else does or doesn't think it's abuse 🤷🏻‍♀️
Point is, you sound miserable and he sounds like a tosser. If he loved you he wouldn't treat you like that

Bin him off

MobLife · 30/11/2020 19:55

What are you scared of-him hurting you or being alone?

Iooselipssinkships · 30/11/2020 20:11

Yes OP this is horrid abuse and he sounds like a nasty arsehole. He won't like xmas because it means he isn't the centre of attention. I have two slipped discs which have also flared up recently so I know your pain on both counts. I won't tell you to leave because you will leave when the time is right for you, when that little light goes on and tells you that you have to get away no matter how fearful you are. Until then reach out on MN and access DV services if it's safe to do so, you and your daughter need as much support as you can get. The fact you've questioned his behaviour and posted on here is the first step towards a better life, so well fucking done!

Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 30/11/2020 21:05

Thanks everyone. Sounds ridiculous but my heart is breaking because part of me still loves him and lives in hope. He used to be lovely. He's changed so much. It's about as much heart break as I can take this year.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/11/2020 21:13

Ella

This is who he really is, the nice act was just that -an act and one that no abusive man is ever able to maintain. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. He will not change, this is who he is.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is she learning here?. She is seeing her father abuse you as her mum, she sees in you someone who is emotionally preoccupied and constantly worried. This is no legacy to leave her. Your late parents would undoubtedly want you to be happy. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Would you be able to go to Boots and make contact with Women’s Aid via their consultation room?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/11/2020 21:16

Joint counselling as well is NEVER recommended when there is abuse of any type within the relationship. It was always a non starter here. If counselling is to be considered you need to go on your own, you need to be able to talk in both a calm and safe environment.

user1825894133270 · 30/11/2020 21:17

The lovely him was an act. The lure on a fishing line.

It will never come back. You love someone who never existed.

Leaving and grieving is so much less scary than being abused for the rest of your life.

Please don't throw your future away.

Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 30/11/2020 22:52

Thanks everyone. I went for a drive and feel too scared to go back. As I was leaving he says, cool as a cucumber, 'sorry for being horrible'.

OP posts:
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