Why is he like this?

[LastChristmas20]

My dad has always been like this. But he is now unwell with not long to live.

And talking to my therapist today I want to try and understand some of his very infuriating habits before he's gone. I guess maybe so I can make peace with them.

He's always been rude and selfish and it's not changed now he's terminally ill. He's being very demanding on how he wants Christmas Day and honestly he's not given a fuck about me for the last decades of Christmases and the "it's my last one" card is pissing me off more than anything.

Which makes me sound a terrible daughter.

For the record we are having them as our only other bubble household and plan to be at my parents house from 2pm until bedtime on the 25th.

I just want our own Christmas meals separately as my dad can't eat normally and chokes and it scares our daughter and means none of us can eat without the worry of what could happen.

Also I made him Christmas dinner a few years back and he moaned about it all. He's no sort of company at a meal.

Anyway I digress.

When he texts to ask how my DD is he won't use her name. Always "how's my granddaughter"

Or if he's bought me something as a gift, let's say headphones, when I next see him he'll ask "how are my new headphones"

Fucking infuriating.

Also he can no longer drive so relies on lifts from me a lot. But he can't ask me like a normal person.

Always just a "I need to be at the GP Thursday"

When I'm in a bad mood I'll reply with "Did you mean to say 'please may I have a lift to the GP Thursday'

I'm assuming it's some sort of annoying male power trip thing. But hoping someone here knows more about these sort of behaviours?

Well done if you got this far. Sorry for the rant.

You said it yourself. He's selfish.
You are not a terrible daughter.
He won't change.
I would not recommend you address these issues with him ... that would end VERY badly.

I'm sorry he's not well. Clearly you have a relationship that functions. Well done for that.

He was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and he has not changed at all since then. Don't give in further to his emotional blackmail either.

You do not mention your mum at all here; is she in your life now?.

You do not have to try and make peace with his "infuriating habits" at all (you are absolutely downplaying this from him completely by describing it as that). What message too does that send your own DD; that we're just supposed to suck up all rudeness uncomplainingly from toxic bullies like her grandad?. No.

Would you tolerate a friend talking to you like this, I would hope not. Your dad is no different. It's not your fault he is like this and you did not make him that way either (his own family did that to him).

Have Christmas in your home without him there, toxic behaviour like this from him should not be at all rewarded with a seat at your table because he demands it.

Drop the rope completely and work further on your own fear, obligation and guilt here. You will need to grieve ultimately for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Do consider also reading and or posting on the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Thanks for such a thoughtful reply.

I will check that thread.

Funnily enough I've been to quite a few stately homes.

My mum is very much around. Now is basically dads full time carer.

Which she resents really as he's also been a shite husband. But as she's been with him since they were teens she loves him having known no different and is running herself ragged physically and emotionally.

My mum is a very kind and generous person. I owe the fact I'm half decent to her input and the fact dad was always out and busy when I was growing up.

You said it yourself. Because he's rude and selfish. Just because someone is a parent doesn't mean they become a caring wonderful human being. It is what it is.

I would not let your mother off the hook here.

I do not doubt she is kind and generous but the fact is she has failed to protect you from her abusive husband. She knows no better really having been with him herself since her teens (I wonder what her own childhood was like, do you know anything about that because that often gives clues) and now she has ended up being his carer. She gets what she wants out of this relationship even now and ultimately puts him first

Do check out the current Stately Homes thread, it could well help you here.