Hello All!
I am new here, please bear with me... have a rather long post.
I have been in a long term relationship with DP (10 years).
I had complete faith in my relationship until something happened in 2019.
We used to get along very well and cared about each other (or so I thought!) I believed everything was perfectly normal and fine.
But found out that DP had been hiding many things from me. Addiction to porn, lending money to relatives without my knowledge (we have joint finances), socialising in secret, revived contact with an ex.
I found all this out last year (2019), completely by chance.
When one thing came out, I did more digging and found all other things. Confronted him, tried to get to the bottom of it, wanted to clear out any miss-understandings, but he wasn't the least bit sorry!
He did not take any responsibility for any of his behaviour. He was ready with an excuse for everything.
"I watch porn, because our sex life is dull."
"I gave money to my brother without telling you because I knew you won't let me."
"I go to the pub with friends but tell you I am at work because you would want to tag along and I don't want that."
"I am talking to the ex because she needs moral support, but I have no feelings for her, you should trust me."
I wasn't at all happy with any of his explanations and his behaviour.
I wanted to ask him why he felt those negative things about me.
I genuinely don't think I am such a monster that I would not have helped out his brother if he was in need. I am not so unreasonable that I wouldn't have let him hang out with his friends alone if he wanted to. We could have tried something new in our sex life as long as it was something we both felt comfortable with. About the ex, if she needed moral support as a friend why did he not call her while I was around, why did he have to call her behind my back?
I wanted to talk about all these things. I assumed he had more faith in me and our relationship.
But whatever happened, I wanted to discuss things in more detail, have a heart-to heart chat, clear everything out and start afresh.
BUT he wasn't ready for any conversations.
He just closed himself off! Acted as if it was all fine.
For months I kept trying to talk to him about this. I would bring up the subject from time to time when possible, but he never wanted to talk about it. His attitude was to forget about it all and move on with our lives!
At one point he started saying "When you bring up this subject it feels like harassment! Stop harassing me!"
I could not believe this! My repeated plea for talking about stuff was turned down, I started having mood swings and felt really bad all the time. Eventually, I turned passive-aggressive. (I am ashamed of this, I admit this wasn't a good approach, but it was almost involuntary. He left me no choice whatsoever, I was feeling enormously frustrated!
I didn't want to yell or fight or leave him, that's not what I want at all. I want to work on our relationship.)
But he simply ignored my passive aggressive behaviour and kept acting as if nothing happened and kept on living normally.
Then the shock of COVID came. We got settled into a working from home routine. I felt like I had no other choice but to move on myself, yet something was not right inside me.
At this time, a very strange thing happened.
In all these years, since I have been with DP I haven't thought about another man, not even a crush on a celebrity. But since last few months I have developed strong feelings for one of DP's friends!
This guy is a troubled soul. He got dumped by a narcissistic girl-friend, was devastated, went into depression. He has only recently started going out with another person.
Logically, I want to wish him luck with this new girl and hope his relationship works out, but deep down my feelings are different!
:(
I think I am having some sort of fantasy. I keep thinking, what if I was with him. How our life would have turned out.
I find myself imagining that I am holding him, kissing him, telling him - "Don't worry, I am here for you!"
It has become really embarrassing because now I am even having sexual fantasies about him!!! When DP and I are intimate, I am thinking of him!
Makes me feel ENORMOUSLY GUILTY!!!! :(
But I think about this guy all the time. It's not a simple crush or something, this is turning into a sort of obsession.
I know this isn't fair to DP! No matter what DP did or didn't do, my behaviour should not be like this. I know it, but I am feeling helpless.
This is out of my control.
Feeling so restless! Can't even focus on simple tasks at work. Outwardly I maintain a calm facade but my internal life is upside down.
Right now, first and foremost, I want to get this guy out of my mind.
Please do suggest something, anything.