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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Rekindling affair with ow?

18 replies

Freshprincess12 · 30/11/2020 15:52

Long time lurker. Old username is not working.

Bit of history: dh had a text/emotional affair (?) With female colleague from work over a year ago now. As far as Im aware nothing physical happened. This was ocnfirmed by texts I had seen before I confronted him, perhaps if I didnt there would have been.....
Weirdly a few months after, they had a big spat at work which led to her complaining to the SLT about him. They held a mediation meeting where they had to apologise to each other. After that, tey never spoke.
Fast forward to lockdown....ow had a significant operation she wasnt present in any of the online virtual meetings. Meanwhilst, I gave birth to our third child in Oct..Dh had some time off for this and I got the feeling he wasnt happy....postpartum man blues maybe? Who knows? But Ive had a niggling feeling he didnt really want third child. He seems distant and detached.
Last week, I was picking second dc up from preschool, when I walked in I could her dh on phone. He like many others is working from home. For some reason, I had a feeling he was talking to this ow. Something about his voice, way he spoke. He seemed very friendly. Laughing and joking about something theyre working on. God knows why I thought it but usually they say rely on instinct. Anyway, it was confirmed it was the ow. I was very upset..one because I didnt think they spoke at work, two because he didnt tell me straight away..I asked him outright.
I stated he did seem very friendly with her which he denied. I asked how she was with him and he said shes ok.
She actually contributed to the gifts his team got him from his work which he seemed shocked at, maybe because of that falling out.
Anyway, I have a suspicion she is back at work - dh is allowed back into the office two days a week for now. Only a few people are, as they are very strict..I asked him and he said no he doesnt think she will be back for a long time as she has a few health issues (nothing thats on the clincally vulnerable lists though)
I have a niggling feeling he may be lying and perhaps theyve rekindled their friendship or whatever it was since hes been allowed back kn the office as this is when ive noticed him being very distant...this is how he was last time when I discovered the EA.
Hes only been allowed back in from last week btw.
AIBU to think he is lying to me? Should I try to confront him more or trust him?

OP posts:

davekim · 30/11/2020 16:10

Follow you gut instinct. I would be watching carefully and discreetly

Original poster

Freshprincess12 · 30/11/2020 16:14

@davekim

I just dont know if shes back in the office though. I dont know how to find that out.
Tbf, if shes not back in the office, theres not much they can do in terms of speaking as hes WFH the other 3 days a week, and im usually in.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 30/11/2020 16:17

Your relationship is not tenable because he has irrevocably damaged the trust.

This is no way to live, is it

Omeara · 30/11/2020 16:21

Phone the office and ask to speak to her?

Nosnogginginthekitchen · 30/11/2020 16:22

Do you want to be in a relationship where you're constantly wary and expecting the worst? It sounds exhausting.

littlebirdieblue · 30/11/2020 16:22

I'm so sorry he's broken the trust in your relationship. This is no way to live, worrying and doubting his word. Unfortunately once the trust is broken it's very difficult to rebuild, I know this from experience. Without trust there is no relationship, Sorry op

PicsInRed · 30/11/2020 16:28

By God he's shite.

Is this what you want for the rest of your life? For 50, 60, 70 years more?

Original poster

Freshprincess12 · 30/11/2020 20:44

I dont trust him.
During lockdown we didnt argue once and I do reckon its because I felt now he was working from home, it was much easier to trust. No paranoia or suspicions.
Friends and family have commented that we seem so good as most of them have argued with their signigicant others, two people we know are divorcing. We both have agreed that locķdown has been a blessing for us as if anything, its made us closer.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 30/11/2020 21:22

You can't build a relationship on keeping somebody locked up with you. Listen to what you are saying.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 30/11/2020 22:01

Ask your DH if she's in and if he says no then tell him you will be ringing to check up. I'd say your gut is right, I'd be suss that the call was made when you were out

MsDogLady · 30/11/2020 22:01

OP, if he were committed to restoring trust, he would have cut contact with OW except for necessary, detached work interaction. He would be engaged and transparent with you. Instead, he has distanced himself from you and the baby, laughed and joked with OW (and denied the playfulness), and failed to be immediately forthcoming.

This doesn’t sound like a remorseful man who wants to rebuild his marriage. He had a second chance but is now repeating his previous behavior. I know that I wouldn’t be able to live with the unsettled feeling that mistrust brings.

Jobsharenightmare · 30/11/2020 22:07

The only successful marriages I have known after affairs have involved the betrayer doing everything possible to restore trust including changing jobs, going to therapy and doing the work. He had a chance to change jobs before Covid, I appreciate that might not be feasible now.

Do you think they genuinely stopped speaking? Was the argument just a lie so you'd be thrown off?

What I'm saying is he broke the trust and keeps pouring salt in the wounds. You'll never heal.

Lora88 · 01/12/2020 23:38

If you have any hope of regaining your sanity he needs to move jobs and considering what he’s done I don’t think that’s a harsh request from you

Sunflower1970 · 06/12/2020 06:43

Very difficult and tiring for you to live like this. I would trust your gut instinct. If it was me I think I would contact the woman. At the end of the day your have 3 kids and a husband who isn’t really present. I don’t think you have anything to lose by speaking to her

Bluntness100 · 06/12/2020 07:01

As a pp said, you can’t continue a relationship where it only works dor you if he is locked up. The trust is gone here totally and you’re living on tenterhooks. The relationship isn’t good, becayse you don’t trust him one inch. And suspect given any physical opportunity he will start again.

I can’t see how this relationship will survive. Next year he will be allowed out properly again and they will be working together. Normality will return. So you need to deal with it now and make a decision, either end it or trust him. It’s that hard and that simple.

category12 · 06/12/2020 07:38

You can't build a relationship on keeping somebody locked up with you. Listen to what you are saying.

This.

You don't trust him, quite understandably, and as soon as he's back in the office, it all crumbles.

You're no further forward from his affair than you were months ago. What did he say he would do to work on the relationship after the affair? It seems like he stayed in contact with her after discovery anyway until they fell out?

litterbird · 06/12/2020 07:55

Its very common for the affair partners to rekindle their relationship especially if they work with each other. Your gut feeling will be spot on. He will rekindle this affair and he will begin to detach more. Get your ducks in a row. Look at the "script" of what men say when they are having an affair and look at an exit strategy if you find you cant rebuild the trust or he suddenly leaves, which again happens frequently.

RegretnaGreen · 06/12/2020 08:19

He will have been in touch with her the whole lockdown. He just chose to speak to her in person being as you were out.

Do you only have his word about the argument at work and being forced to apologise or have you heard it from someone else OP. That sounds like an elaborate blind to me. If it came from him only, it's clearly Bullshit because here he is speaking to her as if they are lovers.

If you need proof, go quiet. Don't mention it to him again and dig dig and dig some more. Check for a second phone. Check his phone. Check his computer. It will all be there somewhere.

If you are done, which I would be at this. Just hearing his tone change on the phone would be my line in the sand. Walk away. You don't need to know more than you do already. It's not working. You don't need to give any other reason. The fact that you thought lockdown brought you closer when in fact he is back at it first chance he gets would be enough for me.

Either ring to speak to her at work or drive around there to see if her car is there. If you have a concrete lie, you can say. You lied and I'm done. Let her have him.

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