Separating tomorrow after 22 years marriage - do you ever know if it is the right call?

[Thisdoesnotgeteasier]

My DH moves out tomorrow as we separate after 22 years of marriage (3 DC in secondary school). We struggled for a large part of our marriage on poor communication and drifted further apart and have had pretty much zero physical intimacy for 7+ years. I regrettably had a brief fling with an ex about 5 years ago, which DH was hugely hurt by but seemed to forgive me and we did counselling (had done it before) but things in our relationship didn’t improve.

The marriage has been fine in many functional ways but certainly not emotionally. The frostiness and tension have been clear to the kids for at least several years and they were actually relieved when we told them a few weeks ago that we would separate.

However, since making that decision to separate, our relationship seems to have improved a lot. I don’t know if it the relief of taking the pressure off or if, in the cold reality of a pending separation, we are realising the good things about each other that we neglected for years. Communication is much better now.

Maybe I am just grasping at straws and imagining a world that didn’t really exist or at least not for many years. Part of me is having second thoughts / regrets about separating but the other part is thinking this is a better time to do it while we are still pretty amicable and calm, rather than another five years from now when we are back in the rut and maybe hating each other.

Have others had these second thoughts on separation and how did you handle it? Thanks

The fact your children are relieved is a massive sign that your marriage has not been positive and it's likely to be the right thing for you all. However no one ends a marriage lightly and there will be a grieving process and regrets.

Is he equally content with the separation?
If he moves out perhaps that will help and there is no need to rush a divorce. Have you agreed how finances will work?

Be prepared for the roller coaster of emotions though as I don't think anyone gets through a divorce pain free.

How would you feel if he met someone else quickly? Men tend to move on quickly.

7 years without intimacy is not really a relationship, unless you both agreed to this approach so it suggests patterns are very entrenched and therfore hard if not impossible to change.

He seems to be in a fairly similar place to me on not being 100% sure. He was probably much more in denial for a long time about how bad things were and only recently really even thought separating was an option. The kids’ not enjoying our tense relationship eventually tipped him into the separation camp. He is very loyal and not prone to change - he sees himself as having failed the family and was hanging on in the hope we could fix it but neither of us seemed capable of getting out of our ruts.

We have agreed on 50:50 custody, how to split the holidays etc. We are working with a mediator on the finances at the moment. DH is being reasonable about things so far (he works in IT, I have been the home maker) but we still have to work out final splits and the level of ongoing support. Famous last words but I think we are fairly close to doing that.

It is very positive that he seems to be reasonable. Does he have a good relationship with the children? Is he able to relate to them emotionally?

I feel for you as walking away when no abuse is tough as not as clear cut...there will be losses and you'll need time to process..

See how you feel once he has moved out, you may know if it feels right once he is no longer there, especially if you feel lighter.

I think I will feel some definite relief when he is gone from the release of the tension between us but I will miss him in other ways. He was hard working, honest, well intentioned and reliable. The kind of guy you would want to be in your work team maybe but not great at the intimacy needed in a marriage sadly, so I felt lonely.

He is good with the kids on the practical side and they like him, with some closer than others. He probably isn’t the parent they go to if they are having emotional issues but he is first choice if they need help with maths homework.

I can definitely say that it was the right decision for me and the kids and ultimately exH has accepted that too. Although it took some time for him to accept the split, he had been very blinkered to how bad things were.
Almost 2 years on since I announced I wanted to split, and then almost 6 months living separately in the same house, I can still recall the huge sense of relief when I finally moved into my own place.
I've been in a new relationship for 16 months and we are so much better suited. I am genuinely happy now, I don't think I honestly ever felt like this with my ex.
Good luck x

It’s always hard OP, I think it’s hard too when their has been any infidelity because as I’ve learnt it’s easy to think you can get past it but sometimes heart and head don’t always align and a certain wariness/frostiness at times seeps in (and I’ve been on both sides of the coin) my exH forgave as such but to be honest the candle light/special feeling I feel was kind of snuffed out and didn’t come back and I’ve also had the reverse situation and would say that the feeling again was of the candle being snuffed out. I can see why some people tolerant none and just move on- I think it’s best to take it slowly , separate but don’t rush to divorce, obviously you can’t factor in if he meets someone but regardless I would keep it amicable, and then both see how you feel in 6 months

I think he is what he is and is never going to change. The emotional intimacy you crave is just never going to be there. In five years it will be exactly the same but you will be 5 years older!! There is no coming back from 7 years plus of zero intimacy. Your kids are accepting. You have done the hard bit. You can still be friends with someone even after splitting.

Your dh sounds like mine op. We’re going through the same....in fact i could have written your post. Its so hard not to have doubts Isn't it? I don't have anything to say that will help, but you’re not alone. Feel free to pm me if you ever need to chat it over.

Thanks for the comments and advice. I think the worry that we will be in the same situation five years from now, even with the best will in the world on both parts, is the main reason why I think it is probably the right decision - even if it feels otherwise today as he packs the removal van.

Hey @Thisdoesnotgeteasier just found your thread after searching, I am separating from my husband of 20 years same story as you really and having second doubts coming in waves. I know it is the right thing, but will genuinely miss the nice parts about him and the family times we have together. Please can I ask how things worked out for you after you ex moved out. Did it get easier and did you feel better or did you regret it?

It's perfectly understandable that you're having these feelings, but it sounds like you're doing the right thing.

The fact your children felt relief speaks volumes. Yes you might be getting on better now but I suspect that's because you've taken a decision which has lifted some of the tension and resentment. If you decided not to split, it would almost certainly revert very quickly. I got on better with ex DH once we'd decided to split. Well, not really got on better but felt less irritation, felt less trapped, it felt easier to overlook issues because I knew they were only temporary.

Aside from all of that, even if your newfound better relationship is down to you both remembering the nice stuff about it each other, that still speaks volumes about your communication that you weren't able to sort that out in the past xx years.

zombie

I think you are probably in denial. It's tight to split up, because the effect on your children they recognised as soon as you announced the split. You are just having a wobble, which isn't unusual. But it's not a signal to stop.

You will get better responses if you start your own thread as people tend to read the OP and respond directly to that. It's unlikely OP will come back ~2yrs later to update.

Hi @betterno1 it’s funny but almost two years on and I don’t really know the answer. We are getting on well, cooperating on parenting and all of the tension of our marriage is largely gone because we don’t live together. The kids are largely OK with things and are very relieved the tensions aren’t there. They seem to have a good / better relationship with him.

I haven’t even thought about a new relationship since we split and, as far as I can tell, he has not dated. We are waiting for the two years before formally initiating divorce proceedings but we could now do it - neither of us seem to have the energy to do it just yet, even though we have worked out the finances and custody.

There is probably still an element of denial on his part and immense sadness on mine.

Overall, on balance, I think it has been better that we split. It’s just sad, sad, sad.

I am sorry you are going through similar. Twenty years is a long time and I am sure there are very mixed emotions. All the very best for the next chapter.

It sounds to me as if this has been the right decision for everyone. You're functioning well as co-parents who are amicable, and that's great. Perhaps the fact that you are getting on is currently keeping you both from exploring new relationships, but giving it time may well be a good thing.

I think that it shows that you make better friends than a couple. Im glad youre both feeling more relaxed.

I realise this is an old thread but just wanted to say @betterno1 I am I exactly the same position too.
Separating after 21 years together.....massive waves of panic, sadness, hysteria etc. Worrying I won't be able to get a mortgage on my own and our DD not coping at school. It worries me to think I'll still be this sad two years down the line like OP 😞

@Thisdoesnotgeteasier glad you are getting on well and your children are happier that has got to feel like it was the right decision. Even after a few days I'm feeling like a weight has lifted off my shoulders but finding myself feeling guilty to my ex as he was insistent on trying again (for the thousanth time) and I just lost trust that he actually could change as many times before he said the right things but took no action. All I keep thinking about is every little nice thing he did for me and every family holiday we had for some reason even though I wasn't always happy at these times just being as a family unit. I suppose it's just being scared of the unknown it's just weird as when making decision to leave I was so strong and didn't care wether I was alone or not having time as a family. Clearly my mind is playing tricks on me!

@ToTheNextChapter sorry to hear you are also going through the same, although reassuring that you are also having the same mixed feelings as me. Just try and remember the reasons you ended up in this place and have faith in yourself we deserve better and time is a massive healer. You're welcome to DM me if you wanted would be good to have the support of someone who is going through the same xx

Posts like this leave me confused as to what people expect out of marriage. I also really don’t think it’s fair to tell someone you want to leave them then tell them to leave the home and say you hope they will be “reasonable”. Like “just get out because I said so is reasonable”.

@Tamzo85 I'm not sure who your post is referring too but I'm sure all posters on here have good reason to be separating rather than 'telling them to leave and expecting them to be reasonable'.
Some marriages are an amicable split but most are one sided, maybe one has tried harder and can see no future or one has been processing it for a long time and then starts the process, but obviously where children are involved it is hoped that both parties are able to be amicable so they can co parent as best to yet can with minimal stress to their children.