Don’t want him but don’t him to be with someone else!

[IKIBU]

DH and I are considering ending our marriage in the NY after almost 30 years together, and he’ll be moving out. We’ve both been very unhappy for years and the toxicity is getting too much and affecting the DC. We’ve stayed together this long for them but all the arguing is probably affecting them more than if we had split up years ago!

I’m not interested in getting into another relationship for a long time (don’t think anyone would want me) but I have a real fear of him getting with someone else and that’s the only thing that’s making me have 2nd thoughts! I’m pretty sure it won’t take him long as I’ve had suspicions of cheating or thinking about cheating in the past, this is why the trust has gone and I can’t live like this any longer.

He’s still very fit and attractive and I know he’s found me a turn off (weight gain/dough belly/stretchmarks) for a long time. I still fancy him myself but I don’t like him or love him anymore.

I know it’s going to happen sooner rather than later but how do you deal with it when you still have to have contact for DCs sake? I can’t stay with him just so he doesn’t ride off into the sunset with someone else! We’ve been together so long, it makes me sick to think of it.

IKIBU I'm so sorry that your long marriage is ending - you've done so well to keep going for so long, Mine ended after 20 years and 3 children who were all older teens when we split. I had a house with the children and ExH rented a 2 bed flat in the same town. Our divorce was amicable and we still saw each other in connection with the children.

He started dating again after 6 months and remarried Oct 19, 4 years after we split up. I will be honest and admit that I found it really difficult to accept that he had moved on from me quite so quickly. However she's very pretty and they have a cottage in the countryside (without enough beds for our kids to use when they come home from uni/work - apparently that's my job!) and an allotment.

I guess what I'm saying is there's nothing wrong with how you're feeling! You've been together a long long time and it is going to hurt when he goes off with someone else. But men (in my experience) do that - they find it much easier to move on than women do. I can't ever envisage remarrying or living with someone again - I've been dating the same guy for 3 years but never want to live with him! And neither of us ever wants to marry again.

Once you're separated he can do what he likes.
As can you.
That's the split up deal.

Think about all the time, fun, peace you gain rather than him if you do go down the divorce route.

You don't own him!

I once read something along the lines of 'jealous isn't the disease, it's the symptom', and i do think that is often true.

You have to think about why you'd feel jealous if he went off with someone else. There are several options I could suggest just from your post, though they might not be the actual crux of it - you'll have to think it over for yourself. but perhaps you are feeling rejected (you mention that he's not been attracted to you for some time) - rejection and the insecurity that's attached to it can be a real trigger for jealousy.

You describe yourself in very negative ways - how do you feel about yourself? I'd suggest that, in this instance, perhaps the 'cure' for your jealousy is learning to be happy, secure and comfortable in yourself. then, what he thinks of you and what he does in his life will matter a lot less.

I'm afraid there absolutely nothing you can do about it. It's his life. You just have to accept it and move on.

It's strange isn't it, but holding on, despite how it's making you feel, gives you less control even though you are doing it to control his behaviour and is not reflective of the situation. You actually get more control of the one thing that matters, yourself, if you let go. Yes it may hurt if he finds someone else but it will pass and you will be able to start focusing on yourself and building your own life.

Oh another thing. It probably took me a year to start getting over my ex, I suspect it took him a day, obviously this hurt in that year. But now the year is done and I'm over it the amount of time it took us to get to the same place is irrelevant and I know it was the right choice for me.

It's normal to feel that way. Let him go. As you rightly know yourself, it's not enough to stay!
In reality you may be less jealous than you think.
You may also find yourself more attractive to others than you believe! Especially as you'll be happier. Is he going to have the kids a few days or more so you get some time for you?
Good luck with it all.

You're going to have to have limited contact with him as possible once you stop living together, don't look him up on social media. Start working on yourself, your self esteem, try to feel good about yourself again

I would probably look into getting some therapy to help move on and deal with your feelings about yourself.

Please don’t stay in a toxic relationship and continue to make the children miserable with fighting. This is such a bad reason to subejct children to this

Wow how selfish are you? I’m sorry that you don’t want him but unfortunately your marriage isn’t working and it’s time to let him go. He deserves to find someone else should he wish too and also so do you. Start working on yourself and get some therapy before moving on.