NC because could be outing.
Sorry, it’s going to be a long one…
I have a very close friend who I have known for over 50 years. She is terminally ill and close to death. She is in a hospice so we are only able to video call. She is ‘clearing the decks’ with everyone and last night she told me something that has devastated me.
In the early 70s I was going out with a lovely, kind, gentle but slightly geeky boy, let’s call him Boy A. I was in 6th form and he was at College and we were together for around a year. Had lots of interests in common, got on with each other’s parents etc – it was good and I loved him.
Now, this is hard to explain but remember that I was young. Twice when we were ‘petting’ I told him I loved him…and although he’d hold me tighter and kiss me he never said it back. I discussed this with my friends (I already said I was young!) and we decided that I should try it one more time and if he didn’t respond then I should leave him because he was just stringing me along.
So next time I saw him I told him again that I loved him and again got nothing back. I’m ashamed to say that I dumped him by letter and told him why. He wrote back to me and told me that he loved me very deeply and desperately wanted to make things right and asked me to meet him at x place at x time. I was so happy. I went to the pub with our group of friends (boys and girls) and was telling them how happy I was and would see Boy A in a few days. Some of the boys were a bit dismissive but I ignored them.
A little while later Friend called me outside and told me that Boy A had actually been seeing her boyfriend’s sister for a couple of months and she was sorry she hadn’t told me before. I was in bits. I put a good front on and then went home and bawled eyes out. I didn’t go to meet Boy A and very soon a ‘popular’ Boy asked me out and life went on.
Since then I’ve had 2 marriages and many relationships but I’ve always lived with a Boy A shaped hole in my heart. I never saw him again.
As I’m sure you’ve guessed my friend has told me that she made it up about Boy A going out with her boyfriend’s sister……because ‘Popular’ boy bought her a rum and coke and asked her to tell me that so that so that I’d break up with Boy A and he could ask me out.
I’ve pined for Boy A all my life but had always consoled myself that he was a cheat and not the kind, shy, lovely boy I thought he was. Now I know he wasn’t a cheat. I should have met him. The yearning to turn the clock back is unbearable. He never knew why I didn’t turn up, he must have just thought that I didn’t want him. He did phone my house but I wouldn’t speak to him.
Of course I forgave my Friend and laughed it off as water under the bridge. I’m not angry with her at all but I’m angry with myself for believing her.
I have no idea why I’ve posted this here. I can’t tell anyone in real life but I’ve got to get it out of my system somehow. Thank you for reading if you got this far……now, if anyone happens to have a time machine..?