Do you have one home, and your DP another? how does it work with children?

[BearMama]

Hope its okay to cross-post. I have been in a relationship with my Dp for two years now. We are both depressives and our relationship was tempestuous and abusive. Its a long story, but I got a place of my own and after going on anti-depressants he came to my city to be with me with a flat of my own. With our history I was adamant that we couldnt live together.
I am 37 and wanted him to father my child - sounds crazy but I have met his kids who are 8, 18 and 20 and they are lovely, and more importantly know they are loved.
AFter some discussion and months of thought I got pg (am currently 17+ weeks) but every so often he stresses how unhappy he is with the arrangement
He is 49 and doesnt see how it can work, with us having seperate houses. We are in the same city for goodness sake. I need the security of having my own place after what I went through. It has been ten months since I got my own place and our relationship is better than its ever been but he cant see that. I dont see how it could be so hard as he spends most of his time round here anyway. Anyone else kept seperate houses for reasons of security/space/practicality?

me and dp dont live together we have been together nearly 2 years. i live in my rented house and he lives at his mum and dads. He pays a mortgage for a house that his ex and kids live in so he wouldn't really be able to afford half the rent on somewhere with me.

Plus, as im a single parent i get working tax credits and housing benefit which would stop if he lived with me and i pysically couldn;t afford to miss out on what i get in tax credits.

plus im doing an open university course which iget paid for me as im on housing benefit which would otherwise be £600 odd per year for the next 4 years!

i dont know how he feels as we haven't really talked about it but Im happy with not living together as it just wouldn;t be practical for me for at least the next 2-3 years or until ive finished my course. I want us to spend the rest of our lives together so there is no rush to move in together just yet, i want to focus on myself and my career for a while until i can support myself financially without having to rely on him for support.

Maybe your dp feels like he is going to miss out on important baby stuff if he isn't living with you both once baby arrives. he might feel a bit insecure that he will come second and he will loose some of your attentions especially if he isn't living with you

Thanks for giving me your perspective juicychops. The way I see it he will be spending most of the time with me but missing some bits will be inevitable as he works and as a SAHM I'll be spending the most time with the baby. I know I'm probably being naive but I need to live seperately and I'm hoping that we can make it work despite his misgivings.

I don't have any experience in this, but surely if you feel better living apart you're going to be more relaxed and therefore happier. And when you're relaxed and happy, motherhood is much much easier!

My thoughts exactly!

me and dp currently have this, he is the father of dd and we did live together but split up last year because we were always at each others throats and i didnt want dd in the middle of it, after a few months apart with him living at his parents we are now back together but we live apart, a lot of people question this but the way i see it is that its better to have 2 parents apart and happy than together and arguing all the time, it seems strange to most people but it works for us and thats what matters

if it works for you who cares! good on yers

Two separate GOD I would love that!

I don't live with DS dad but he's not my partner and was not my partner when DS was conceived - he's a longstanding drinking mate who I had a shag with. It works well for us as we are on amicable terms and both determined to do the best for DS.