So I have recently had a baby with my partner who I have been with for around 4 years, my baby is now 2 months old. We had a lot of arguments before I gave birth where my partner was verbally and emotionally abusive which continued after the baby was born, especially in his 2 weeks of paternity leave.
Whilst I was 5 months pregnant I was told I shouldn’t be friends with the only two friends I have because they could cause him trouble and that if I wanted my friends in my life then he wouldn’t be with me. My friends were not allowed to my baby shower because he didn’t want his mum to be meeting them incase they spoke about him or caused him trouble (my partner use to teach me and his family do not know this). He constantly told me how it’s disgusting that I was going to invite my friends over his mum to the baby shower. On the day of the baby shower whilst I was 8 months pregnant (which was held at my parents 1hr and a half from where we live) he messed around when I got to my parents telling me I should drive back to get him because he was going to come with me (when he didn’t tell me he was coming and could have driven himself). I told him that the baby shower ended at 5 O'clock and that I would leave to come home around 7 O’Clock. When I let him know that I was about to leave at 8 O’clock because the baby shower over ran he told me don’t bother because I would be getting back at half 9 and that he booked a meal for us (he didn’t tell me that was the plan or even suggest what time that I should come home for if that was the case that he booked a meal - which I don’t think he did). We spent the night arguing so I didn’t leave my parents and only at 11 O’clock did he stop arguing with me and told me that I should come back and that his issue was that I didn’t ring him to let him know how the baby shower went after his mum had met my family for the first time. This was one of the incidents we had where my family noticed that he was being unreasonable where I had to drive back at 11pm 1hr and a half 8 months pregnant.
Closer to my due date possibly about 5 days before, I was told on a few occasions that he was not going to come to the birth and that if he is at work when I call him when I’m going in to labour he won’t come home. He told me he wants a paternity test when the baby is born and that he did not want to be at the birth. Due to COVID where he could not attend antenatal appointments he kept making this a real issue between us and that it wasn’t good enough me being in there because I’m thick and need to ask why the midwife said what she did, was told the midwife didn’t know what she was doing because she couldn’t get an accurate measurement of my tummy twice. The names that I was called whilst pregnant include a slag, scum, tramp, c**t, nasty, ugly and a minger, told that I have no morals, that I have been dragged up and that I have no class. This is normally the typical wording that has been used in any argument that we have had.
Once my baby was born, my partner was there and it was quite a traumatic birth. I had an episiotomy which was very painful for me to sit and I wasn’t able to walk properly for about 10 days. My partner invited my mum and dad to stay for the weekend as he could see that I needed support - I thought that this was a nice gesture until this was used against me.
I was breastfeeding and my baby was feeding every 2 hours. My baby had a bit of a tongue tie so it was difficult adapting to breastfeeding and having such a lack of sleep as well as the pain that I was in from birth. On the day that the midwife came round the day after I came home, my partner went out with his dad (as we live with his dad) to get me some bits that I needed. He also went out on day 3 and 4 after the baby was born with his dad which he said was to give me some time with my mum. We had barely anytime together as a family where he kept going out for hours and one time all day.
On day 4 I had an appointment to see the midwife which he took me to. We had an argument in the car because my mum was apparently taking over because she done the washing and washed the floor (when it was filthy because of two dogs). He told and that my mum should have asked him to wash the floor and told for that reason that my mum is domineering and he can’t bond with his son because my mum and dad were there. He invited them to stay, I didn’t as it isn’t my house and I knew he would be like that. I was also told how he didn’t know if he was the baby’s dad because my baby has blonde hair and how no one in his family is blonde and that the baby didn’t look like him. I was called all of the names as previously mentioned and told me that he didn’t want to be with me and that I’m no good for him. When we got back home I told my mum that was still over and sister that had come to visit a little what had been said whilst he went out with his dad again. I said I didn’t want to be with him so they got most of my stuff and the babies stuff and put it into the car. I told him I can’t do it no more as how he is treating me was really bad he talked me round into staying. My mum had left and I had to put all the stuff back with no help from him, then I was told how it was stealing by my mum and sister as they took things that he bought for the baby and that they were scum to get involved and should have left. That night he drunk a whole bottle of gin and continued to argue with me all night.
A few days after that my mum, dad, and sister wanted to bring my nephew round to see the baby, I said no to them because he was telling me he couldn’t bond with the baby because of my family and that they were getting more time with the baby than he was. He phoned my dad and said that they should come down and that was ok, I said why are you doing that when your really slagging me off for them being here and was saying that my mum and sister shouldn’t be coming round because they took stuff from his house when they were invited round and how he hasn’t ever done anything to them so they shouldn’t get involved. He stayed upstairs pretty much the whole time they were round and came down about twenty minutes before they were leaving. I was told not to let my nephew that is 5 hold the baby, the baby was only placed on his lap with a pillow around him I was there and it was completely fine yet when he heard that he was held by my nephew he asked why I had gone against him and that I should have listened to him.
He was barely doing anything to engage with the baby or being supportive and helpful in the first few weeks of the babies life. If I asked him to do something for the baby or asked if he wanted to do something he said that he is not being dominated and that he will do things when he wants to and not on my say so. Because my mum had set up the steriliser for when I needed it he said that we should have done it together and that if I don’t show him how to work it he would chuck the steriliser out yet every time I tried to show him he would show no interest.
When the baby was 6 weeks old I booked a free photo shoot that I was offered and on the day of this booking my partner was saying how he didn’t want to go, he couldn’t see the point and couldn’t be bothered after I had got myself and the baby ready. I asked that he definitely didn’t want to go as I will cancel it and he said he didn’t so I cancelled it. After I cancelled it he called me a prick for cancelling it and then re booked it in his name. I was upset and I said that I didn’t want to be with him as I didn’t understand why he started haven’t a go at me for cancelling it or why he was calling me nasty for cancelling. He started getting ready and was getting ready to leave with the baby without any bottles, when I tried to go with him because he was taking the baby he was saying that I couldn’t go with him and that I’m not allowed to. He was getting in the car and wouldn’t let me get in so I got out and got in my own car and was going to drive there myself. When I got in my car he went back into the house with the baby, and phoned me. I was really upset and said I just want to come and get the baby and leave and he told me that he was going to lock the door and that I’m not taking the baby because I don’t own him and that I didn’t pay for the car seat so he would drop the baby to me once he goes back to work in a weeks time. This really upset me and he walked to my car and said he was sorry and that he re booked the photos and he never realised how upset I was because I never show him any emotion. We ended up going to this photo shoot after all the arguing and pretending like everything was normal it was horrible because it wasn’t.
Whilst staying at my parents for a few days to visit my parents and his mum I told him how he was making me feel that I didn’t want to be with him, a lot more things went on before the above mentioned. So there has also been other times where I said I didn’t want to be with him and he said sorry where nothing changed.
Since talking properly about our relationship he has told me that he just really struggled with adapting to being a dad and that he was sorry for taking his personal issues out on me that have happened to him previously. He has also said how he never meant any of the things he said about me or my family and how he does love me.
Things have changed now but I don’t feel that I’m in love with him. He has since mentioned about getting engaged and the thought just makes me feel nothing but numb. I don’t trust that things would really change for the good when it’s been a certain way for so long. He is really positive to move things on and tells me how he loves me and I mean everything to him but if I did surely he would not have treated me that way so soon after having a baby. When he talks about getting engaged and shows me the ring he has picked out he says nothing that bad has happened for us to not be moving forward and that I have done things which he has forgiven me for.
I want to end this relationship but I worry that I am at fault for not sticking with a relationship just because there have been problems and especially because we have a newborn. Can I fall back in love with someone that I feel nothing for at the moment or am I silly for even considering ending things when all relationships have arguments and problems. I also think how can he be on the page of getting engaged where I am thinking of ending this relationship or is it just used to try and smooth things over?
Sorry if this is all over the place but writing it down is difficult and I know it can come across as one sided because there is always two sides.