Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive husband wont leave

14 replies

NCwontleave · 30/11/2020 09:12

Just after some advice please as I am really stuck. My husband and I have quite a stormy relationship, its always been pretty toxic. Ive been on the verge of leaving so many times but I have 2 young kids and the thought of them being without their father stopped me.

Recently we had an altercation in front of the kids in which he accused me of spreading my legs and calling me a whore in front of my 7 and 3 year old. It was frightening for all of us but my kids were really affected by it. My 7 year old begs me not to talk to his dad as he will just start again.

I've asked him to leave the house and he won't. I've been at my parents while my oldest is at school but left my 3 year old with him as he can't be around my parents as he goes to nursery.

I don't think he's good for my children, he's so verbally aggressive and my youngest just imitates him. How can I get him out. I'm not on the mortgage which he left me out of deliberately.

I don't want to leave my 3 year old with him. But I'm stuck as he won't leave. I do fear what more altercations will happen if I stay in the house. Would appreciate any advice at all!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/11/2020 09:16

Abusive men rarely if ever leave quietly. I would seek legal advice asap as well as contacting Womens Aid for their support also. You are married to this man and thus have legal rights here, exercise those fully here.

Look too at the sticky thread at the top of this page entitled Lockdown and Domestic Abuse.

Pyewhacket · 30/11/2020 09:58

You can't evict somebody from their own property so you'll have to take legal advice. That said, I'm sure there are provisions , under the law, that cover threatening and violent behaviour. Again, you'd need to take legal advice on this. And yes , you are married to this man and thus have legal rights but then so does he.

Soontobe60 · 30/11/2020 10:01

Contact women’s aid, and go and fetch your child! In circumstances such as this, the law allows you and your children to flee from DV, which is what this is. You may also want to speak to the police who will attend the house with you if you believe he will become aggressive again or refuse to let you take your child.

VettiyaIruken · 30/11/2020 10:03

I think your first step should be go get your 3 year old . It's better that he doesn't go to nursery for a while than he stays with your ex.

You can plan what to do later.

Alexandernevermind · 30/11/2020 10:06

Fetch your 3 year old and call the police.

Original poster
NCwontleave · 30/11/2020 11:44

I've got my 3 year old with me now at my parents, he told me his dad shouted lots at him as he weed himself.

Pyewhacket I would happily leave him to it if I didn't have my children to think about. My children need somewhere safe to live that's all. My oldest gets anxiety away from home. If we could cohabit until we could sort out a fair separation it would be fine, but it's always volatile when he's around.

In the meantime ill bring my 3 year old with me but its not ideal - i didn't mention before but he had a severe reaction to my mums cats for which we an ambulance a few months ago. He's fine with them in small doses but I'm hoping being around them all day doesn't cause a reaction again - another reason that I left him at home.

I'm not sure about calling police, he's threatened to break my nose before but he has never actually raised a hand to me or my children. I will speak to womensaid now, i feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place and need to find out my options.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 30/11/2020 13:35

@NCwontleave

I've got my 3 year old with me now at my parents, he told me his dad shouted lots at him as he weed himself.

Pyewhacket I would happily leave him to it if I didn't have my children to think about. My children need somewhere safe to live that's all. My oldest gets anxiety away from home. If we could cohabit until we could sort out a fair separation it would be fine, but it's always volatile when he's around.

In the meantime ill bring my 3 year old with me but its not ideal - i didn't mention before but he had a severe reaction to my mums cats for which we an ambulance a few months ago. He's fine with them in small doses but I'm hoping being around them all day doesn't cause a reaction again - another reason that I left him at home.

I'm not sure about calling police, he's threatened to break my nose before but he has never actually raised a hand to me or my children. I will speak to womensaid now, i feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place and need to find out my options.

Get the doctor to prescribe anti-histimines. He's young for Piriteaze but they often prescribe a double dose in situations like yours.

Have you reported him to the police? That would help your case.

What's your housing situation? Do you own or rent?

Get some legal advice soon.

Good luck

celticmissey · 30/11/2020 13:45

Ring the police and ask to speak to a specialist domestic abuse officer. They can give you advice and explain what protection can be put in place. You could arrange to speak to them anywhere out of the house.

Also look at the website for the National Domestic Abuse Centre - they can give you good advice - they have a team of lawyers who can help get non molestation orders for free for women suffering domestic abuse but you have to contact them within a certain timeframe. Take a look at the website - they are very helpful.

Also be aware that Local Housing Authorities have duty to house high risk victims of domestic abuse as a priority. The police can do the risk assessment. They can contact the Emergency Housing officer who will be able to help.

MrsTwitcher · 30/11/2020 13:56

he has threatened to break your nose, he shouts at a 3 year old, please do not go back to him. do your and his family know the situation? he is lucky you haven't called the police yet.

Bunnymumy · 30/11/2020 14:05

Call the police. If someone threatens you and makes you feel unsafe in your own home, that's what to do.

Speak to womens aid. Also speak to a lawyer about what you are entitled to house wise. You will still be entitled to a share as it is a marriage asset.

It will do your children more damage longterm to stay with an abuser that it will to leave their house.

Bunnymumy · 30/11/2020 14:06

(But if you can get him out, even better).

NancysDream · 30/11/2020 17:49

I would call women's aid and ask about going into refuge. It's not easy but he is starting to escalate towards you and is being abusive in front of and to the kids. This will not get better, and he will not leave the house and has made sure it's got his name not yours. If you don't want to go to refuge could you stay with family or friends or present as homeless to the council? Anything is better than being abused. It takes years to get over, if you ever fully do, but it's not a matter of one more day there means one more day healing. One more day could be years of therapy or he could kill you even. It's just not worth going back.

GlowingOrb · 30/11/2020 17:55

Moving homes won’t harm the kids. A small flat with a living parent will be better than a stressful family home. I’d just look for something to rent for now.

BlueStarRose · 30/11/2020 17:58

As others had said call a Domestic Violence helpline: Women's Aid, DASH, NCDV. You need to get some advice. One option would to look to get an Occupation Order. That would be a court order requiring your DH to leave.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page