Do I really have to stop looking to find someone?

[Blocksoftwo]

I’m sooooo fucking fed up of being single. I hate it. I’ve invested in paid dating app as well as a couple of free ones. It’s swipe after swipe of unsuitable people and I’m not being picky!!

I want to give it all up but at 36 I don’t have time really do I? Had enough. Just want to be settled down.

Could you try ‘giving up’ for 6 months? I am a bit older than you and when I totally gave up and resigned myself to being single and convinced myself a single life would be quite nice.....I met someone.

@cheezy how if you don’t mind me asking?

I think if I go off all the sites then I will still be wishing I was in a relationship. Doesn’t matter what I do and how full my life is, I will still have that preference not to be single.

Had you completely lost all hope or in the back of your mind were you looking?

Oh @Blocksoftwo I am with you there. I am 35 and single and it is one of the pieces of advice that annoys me the most. Often said by people who met their partner at uni or at work when it was far easier to do so. Not by people in their mid 30’s like us who know how hard it is now. (Often followed by a comment about how fun it must be to date which makes me want to scream).

No advice because I am in the same boat as you but solidarity here!!

Sorry you’re feeling fed up. I think meeting someone, especially in your mid thirties and beyond, is a numbers game. I don’t think you should stop looking. Pick someone who’s a bit suitable and go for a coffee?

@countbackfromten I’ve honestly been swiping away putting time and effort in and there’s nobody I’m remotely interested in.

Do you find some men have strange criteria? One man is desperate to meet up but every so often he says ‘so do you exercise? How often? Do you have a regime?’ I’m sat here like is this an application for Pure Gym?! I don’t exercise much thanks and if I do I’m not sure my schedule is relevant to you

It wasn’t that I’d given up hope, I did still want a relationship and family, but I tried to reframe my situation and worked hard to see all the positives of being single (and childless)
In the end I convinced myself it would be okay - even quite nice. I also practiced gratitude every day (10 things). It helped to see my situation differently.
I met New Bloke on Bumble fwiw

@cheezy so were you still on the apps when you decided to just try and forget it? I really want to describe all mine I am feeling so fed up but don’t want to be alone

@Blocksoftwo no strange criteria but I have found so many who want an open relationship, describe themselves as non-monogamous or polyamorous. I’m in London so it also encourages a lot of bad behaviour because there is always someone else for them to swipe on.

I split with my last long term partner 5 years ago. I have had short term things since but nothing that has worked. I am partly accepting that I may end continuing to be single and that I would rather that than be miserable with someone.

Just also hurts when friends say they can’t understand why I am single. I’m ok looking, have a good job, financially secure, interests of my own - but sadly that all seems to be a negative rather than a positive in the dating world at times.

Sorry you are going through this too

@countbackfromten yes I found this very much so in London. Nobody that bothered about settling down. Constantly dating. Also loads who want something casual...Ie some easy shags. I try and think that at least they’re honest so I can swipe on by, but it feels like nobody is on the same page

@Blocksoftwo exactly. But I honestly don’t know how to meet anyone in a different way. Work is a no, it isn’t like going to bars etc is a thing now (even before covid). The apps etc seem to be the only way to go and it is pretty depressing.

I found OLD to be a complete waste of time. I am also in London.

Most of the men on dating sites wanted only casual sex and/or were indeed after open relationship/polyamory. Very few decent guys and a general laziness about dating (no effort made and a high sense of entitlement...).

Hopefully when Covid stops being such a threat we can resume social activities and hopefully meet people through common interest.

Frankly I would rather be single than have to interact with the majority guys you meet on dating sites...I am sure there are some good guys who are looking for love online too but they are thin on the ground and as an older woman I think my chances of finding someone that way are pretty much zero.

Personally I approached finding a partner like a military operation. This prob makes me sound awful but just like you I was sick of being alone.
I paid for match and spent I think around 5 hours in one go looking through all of the profiles. I picked two I really liked the look of, entered their details on a spreadsheet and sent them both well crafted messages. I fully intended to repeat the process in a few weeks until I found someone.
As it happened, one of the two was DH. I never would have found him if I hadn't spent that much time going carefully through every profile though.

@Wwydiywm love the idea of a military operation and creating a spreadsheet .

OP I think people talk nonsense, apparently someone is meant to come along when you aren't looking, but any other goal in life - travelling, career etc needs careful planning and preparation.

I think it just means that anyone who looks desperate is not an attractive option. It is very difficult.

Keep in mind, some paid services use professionals to interact with people through fake profiles (as in, the provider pays them). I don't remember which ones, you would have to google that. I recently saw a documentary about it in which a journalist got a job to do this but it is in German, so probably not overly helpful?

No, you don't have to stop looking to find someone. It's bullshit advice, IME generally given by people who've been in relationships their whole adult life.

Maybe change tack though? "Looking" doesn't have to mean apps. Anything you enjoy that brings you into contact with eligible people would be a good alternative.

I've done the rounds in the dating apps, never liked them much though. They were probably good practice at becoming confident. My current relationship and previous on were both from real life. But although meeting them was just luck, I was proactive after that, and I was the one who did the asking out. I think many guys are intimidated by that, and delighted for the woman to take the first step.

@Wwydiywm I love that!

I've been wondering this myself OP as I'm in the same situation and wondering whether I am just too picky/ have unrealistic expectations as I have met some nice guys but never quite anyone I've really been attracted to all round and was nice (except one who ghosted). I wonder am I aiming too high?

I think that during covid it would be harder to meet anyone without soldiering on with the apps as we interact so much less in real life. It's feeling onerous though.

Maybe a mini- break from dating, say a month, would ease your fatigue?

I met my DH at 35 at work after years of being single. People don’t know what to say to you so they trot out these platitudes about happens when you least expect it Blah Blah Blah. Maybe it will happen for you maybe it won’t - no one knows. I think you are probably not very likely to meet someone sitting at home unless it’s the guy coming to fix your washing machine. My friend is single and tried a couple of dating apps. The one that had the best / most appropriate matches for her were on e-harmony. There is a cost involved I appreciate so the guys seemed invested in an actual relationship. ( obviously COVID is not much helping her situation but she has had virtual dates ). She’s in London too.

I think you do have to actively look, if you really want to find someone. If you think about it this would never be the received wisdom in any other important area of your life - imagine someone telling you you'd only find a job if you stopped looking, for example.

@Wwydiywm

Personally I approached finding a partner like a military operation. This prob makes me sound awful but just like you I was sick of being alone. I paid for match and spent I think around 5 hours in one go looking through all of the profiles. I picked two I really liked the look of, entered their details on a spreadsheet and sent them both well crafted messages. I fully intended to repeat the process in a few weeks until I found someone. As it happened, one of the two was DH. I never would have found him if I hadn't spent that much time going carefully through every profile though.

I did something vaguely similar, I didn’t have a spreadsheet but I approached it very seriously. Met the father of my children on about the 3rd date I went on.

For various reasons we didn’t manage to go the distance but we have an excellent relationship now as exes and friends, and I think have nonetheless created a good family for our kids. Not how either of us would have liked it to turn out but still a happier ending than most relationships.

My story probably isn’t inspirational but I don’t think you need to stop looking to find someone. Stopping looking is what you do when you’ve misplaced something, so you can give your subconscious a chance to reflect and let you know where it is. It’s not what you do when you’re seeking something specific that you haven’t yet got!

You definately have to actively look.

Lol about the gym guy. Guess he was trying to find out if you had a big fat ass or not xD

I think part of the problem might be that you are so desperate to find someone. Might be that you just arent happy in your own company. And that's a problem.

Unless it's about having kids...you do know you'll probably be alive another 35 years so even if you meet someone now, chances are they won't still be about till then. But that doesnt mean you'll be single. Maybe look for mr right now instead of mr right. Just for a bit of company.

I've given up online dating as the men just seem to want easy, casual, no strings sex. I see the same faces on there month after month so I'm assuming that other women don't find them attractive either. I don't have anything in common with the ones local to me as I've chatted with a lot of them online. They can't hold a conversation and expect to find a supermodel it seems.

I have people tell me all the time that it will happen when I stop looking which is annoying. I know I won't find anyone sat at home so I'm going to try and get out as much as possible next year. Covid allowing - nights out with friends, a variety of hobbies and new interests, even walking the dog where there's lots of other dog walkers! I'm quite a homebody and tend to stay at home a lot but I'm naively hoping that if I'm out and about living life it might happen.

I'm in my 50s and live in the north. I'm in the same situation as you. I would love to have a partner to spend Christmas with (I don't have a support bubble).

As I've got older I've got choosier in terms of not wanting anything casual. I feel my options are limited on OLD. I don't know how I am going to meet anyone otherwise. I have hobbies etc but they are now Zoom based.