Wwyd. Dd, her dad and contact

[Survivingastorm]

So I've already posted before, dd is 2 years old, currently have an on going court case with our next hearing in mid 2021 due to covid. Interim order has ex seeing dd 1 night every other week moving to 2 nights every other week shortly. He was also meant to video call her every week as advised by cafcass and the judge but he refused, this was to keep up contact between visits. There was domestic abuse in the relationship and cafcass put him at moderate risk to our dd in their report however due to no fact finding court has said they can't say this happened (abuse was emotional, financial and sexual). There were also welfare concerns with emotional abuse then being directed at dd.

Up until June of this year ex had little to no contact, his choice following me raising my concerns about how he treated our dd. Since contact began in June of this year dd has always return from contact distressed and withdrawn, some nights waking from nightmares and being unconsolable, being agressive and just hard work for days following contact. When she sees her dad she always says no no and points back to our home and when she leaves him doesn't even look back to say goodbye. To add to this dd is being assessed for autism next year and has had a few health scares over the past month which saw her unable to see her dad for 28days during which he didn't video call or check in on how she was doing apart from where the subject of contact was concerned (ie is she well enough to stay over but no concern about how she was doing).

Now my gut is telling me to at the very least not allow contact to progress for 2 nights given dds level of distress and ex unwillingness to call her between overnights but I'm afraid of what the courts will say and how they would see it.

If you were me what would you do? I'm completely torn between doing what I feel is right for dd and trying to keep in good light with the courts.

You need legal advice. No one on here can easily advise you to go against a court order as that is a very risky thing to do.

I am sorry you have all this worry but you really must get proper advice somehow.

I have no experience of court orders etc.

But, I just couldn't not reply, please speak to your HV or social worker asap and tell them what you have told us. Your DD is obviously upset, keep a diary of her behaviour and also of the dates / times DP has contact / does not make contact.

In my book your DDs wellbeing should trump your DP. I hope you get lots of replies from posters with more experience and advice to give.

@BefuddledPerson I certainly will be contact my solicitor but Im speaking less from a legal stance and more just what everyone would do regardless of the legal side. To be honest I have followed everything down to a t, put up with the ex and his abuse and lack of interest in dd and now I'm just fed up.. fed up of dd being a pawn in his life and fed up with her having to suffer.

@Chottie I do have the HV coming around this week and I had raised my concerns before. You'd hope that dds well being would trump my ex's but doesn't always seem to be the case.

I totally understand your frustration but I don't think you can separate what you do from the legal stance, unfortunately. Speak to your solicitor today.

giving this a bump.....

Again in no way can anyone on MN give you legal advice but this is what I would do, and in fact have done similar in order to withhold access from the abusive parent, although my daughter is 16. The principle's the same, she needs protecting.

Solicitors deal with facts, so give them facts rather than worrying about what the court might or might not do. Facts: your daughter at age 2 is too young to tell you verbally what she feels but her non-verbal behaviour indicates (1) that she gets no benefit at all from these visits to her father (2) she is very upset every time (say exactly how she behaves) and it is disrupting the rest of her life. Clearly illustrate the difference in how she is with you, and how she is when she returns from the visits. In the circumstances you feel it is in her best interests to avoid/reduce contact until your daughter has calmed down and the potential EA by father has been investigated further. See what the solicitor says to that. Ask when you can make an application to the court to get the contact order changed.

Then phone your HV and request an urgent visit.

Finally, write EVERYTHING down and keep a file. Dates, times, photos, daughter's behaviours etc. Keep a log of all the phone calls and contact with professionals, how long they lasted, what was said etc. etc. It's difficult now, but will make your life a lot easier in the long run.

Thanks @Alys20 HV is coming over tomorrow and a call scheduled with the solicitor. So ex said in an email that dd had been saying dada, no, peppa and ta while with him.. dd doesn't say too many words but 4 seems a small amount, she says Nan and his mum was present, also when I say to her did you have fun at daddies it can you say daddy she says no and today she pinched me when I asked.

The EA definitely needs to be looked into more as when the cafcass officer done her observations of dd with ex his mum and dad where also present and it was done over video call.. not good enough if you ask me.

On another note do you think letting a child play outside even though they have eczema and the cold makes it worse is neglectful even if you treat it with barrier cream before etc and after to stop infections.. this is him saying it's neglectful.

So we saw the HV who has said they're extremely concerned with dds behaviour following contact and is going to inform social services and our gp as they have been aware of the situation from the beginning. Even if ex isn't being abusive something isn't working and is causing dd to act in such a worrying way.

Anyway I have not yet told me ex what the HV has said, he is aware that they were coming, should I update him or wait to hear back from the HV?

What good will it do, telling him? It'll just lead to more arguments.

It's good that the HV took your concerns on board!

It certainly would lead to arguments but he has constantly said in court that I leave him out of these appointments, which I don't if I don't inform him on the outcomes and if they don't affect him he doesn't care. Was just thinking from a legal stand point, but to be honest I'd rather it was someone other than me informing him.

The HV was great and as they've known dd for well over a year now and this is the first time they've seen her in the week after contact so really got to see the behaviour I had mentioned.