One more chance

[Silversandandsea]

I've just given him one more chance and I now regret it.
I don't know why I did it and I'm stupid.
This has happened so many times before. I was so upset and exhausted after yet another heated argument and I just said "ok I will give you one more chance."
He thinks I should just forgive him and says that's what he would do. He has at bad temper and shouts and swears. In the past he hit doors, smashed cups and once smashed a glass panel with his fist.
He doesn't do this as much now as he often reminds me but he is still very verbally angry.
He gets very agitated and loud and aggressive and I feel scared.
He says awful things and will later backtrack and blame me.
He sees everything so simplistically.
He will say " I've said sorry, what more do you want me to do? Just move on. Forgive me."
This has gone on for 20 plus years and I have only recently found the strength to challenge him more.
For examples, I tell him he is emotionally abusive and that a counsellor and doctor agree with me and he goes mad.
He say stuff like they've only heard one side and what the f do they know. And so it goes on and I try to defend my corner.
I am a sensitive, emotional type who doesn't like conflict and am so unhappy the way my marriage has turned out. We have grown more apart these last few years and I want to separate.
Now tomorrow he will expect everything to be normal again.
I shouldn't have given him another chance.
It's meaningless. But he says he won't do it again. When I asked him how many times have we been through this before he just says I should forgive and why mention the past?
He just keeps asking me to move on.
I just read another thread on here tonight by someone in a similar position and it was so sad to read and I feel for her.

Sounds like the life I have left and am only just going through police proceedings which I should have done years ago. As you know yourself, it never gets better, they must get tired of hearing their own pathetic apologies or promises, if they meant it, what happened after the first one 🤔🙄🤦‍♀️

It's your prerogative to change your mind whenever you like op. You don't owe him anything.

Might be worth reading Lundy bankrofts 'why does he do that?'.

Your partner is not abusive because he is angry, he is angry because he is abusive. He does these things deliberately to intimidate you. They are choices he makes deliberately in order to break your spirit.

He will not change because he is behaving this way deliberately in order to control you. He has no empathy or compassion or moral compass. Someone like that doesn't change. It's in his best interests not to. Because he likes stepping on you, it makes him feel good. And keeps you tip toeing around him.

Change your mind.
He's had all his chances.
Don't forgive him.
Start planning a great future without him.

Op, you don't have to stick to what you said. You can change your mind. Just because he bullies and wears you down into agreeing to stay, doesn't mean you have to.

Don't talk to him about it any further. It only takes one person in a relationship to end it.

Speak to Women's Aid and work out your exit plan, stay safe, and please, just leave the relationship.

“The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour” is why just moving on as if he never did anything wrong is ridiculous. He's not even sorry really, is he? He thinks he's justified.

You're in a domestic abuse situation, op. None of his behaviour is normal or acceptable.

My ex used to say these exact things, he things I’m in the wrong and I should just forget about the fact he cheated and left me for someone else and be as nice as pie to him (obviously it’s better that it ended)

There is no point in telling him he's abusive and others think so too. What's he going to say? Oh yes that's true? He knows he is and doesn't want to change. If he wanted to change he would. I bet he doesn't act like this way to his employer/friend/colleagues? He chooses to be this way with you.

He's not ever going to change. The sooner you accept this the sooner you can make changes to make a better life for yourself. Don't waste any more years on him.

Unfortunately as others have said his behaviour is acceptable as there is no consequence to his actions. Its only human nature for him to carry on. I hope you can summon the strength to free yourself, you’d never regret it.

Thanks for all you replies.
He has lost his temper with others and in other situations on a few occasions but it is me who gets most of it. Can I ask you all about this?
He has anger problems and then also the way he treats me.
He refuses counselling.
Is he both abusive and has an anger problem?
I get confused sometimes when I read advice on here. "Are they only angry with you?" This question is often asked.
He will acknowledge he has a temper but always plays it down and says he hasn't done it for a while/I'm being negative and critical to mention it. / What about all the good he has done? He says his awful that I call him a violent man and he will use extreme language and exaggerate. So then I feel guilty.
I've tried many times to talk to him about it, understand him, advise and help him but get nowhere.

Sorry, I've just read what I've written above and it isn't very clear.

You don't need to spend too much time analysing it. He's abusive. He's volatile. He doesn't take responsibility for his actions - just tells you to forgive him. You are scared of him.

You've been with him 20 years? Do you really want to spend the next 20 with him? You don't need his permission to leave him. You don't need him to agree or accept your reasons for wanting to leave him. In fact you would be wasting your breath trying to make him accept your reasons.

Does he love and respect you? Does he have your back? Is he the first person you want to tell good news to? Is he the person you would turn to for comfort?
Does he make you laugh? Does he share responsibility for your family life (ie not expect you to do all the physical and mental load)? Is he kind to you? He sounds like the type of man where not many of your answers would be yes. 🙁

Are you afraid of him? Is he volatile? Aggressive? Does he minimise your feelings?

Don't waste the rest of your life with an abusive man. Abuse can take many forms - physical, emotional, financial.

I feel your life would be immeasurably calmer, peaceful and happier without him in your life. Work out where you would like to see yourself and start taking steps to make this happen.

Shouting and swearing is verbal abuse and intimidation, and yes, it's domestic abuse.
Smashing objects is violence and intimidation and yes, it's domestic abuse.
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

I should just forgive him and says that's what he would do and that's a damned dirty lie, isn't it? On the contrary, he turns everything round on you and blames you.

Do you have children?

Is he paying you to psychoanalyse and fix him? If you are his therapist on £100 per hour, living separately and having a fabulous, fulfilled life, I could see why you might be interested in fixing him.
As the object of his anger and contempt, I don't see what's in it for you to hang around, categorise his moods and define his violent behaviour.

The way out is through the door.

The 'anger' is deliberate. It's an act to make you feel threatened. It's part of the abuse. Abusers like to claim you make them angry (to get you to look inwards rather than at their misdeeds). Actually, his outbursts are deliberate. He isnt 'losing control', he is using the outbursts to manipulate and control you.

It sounds like you have made up your mind that it’s over. I would start sorting out a future home and planning a future without him. I wouldn’t tell him until I had all that sorted and then it would be a this is what’s happening conversation. You don’t need an official diagnosis of his behaviour or his permission to end the relationship. But I wouldn’t put up with him either.