MIL is she mentally unstable

[tillux]

This might be a long winded post so sorry in advance.

So MIL has always been an issue. She comes across all lovely like she wants to help, but deep down I feel like it's the complete opposite, bit of background, she unfortunately had a child pass away 20+ years ago and I can not even begin to think how that must feel... but I feel she put a lot of upset onto my now husband growing up, when I first met him he hated pretty much everything happy if that makes sense... was always excluding himself from happy and fun activities and I found out he had been on antidepressants for years. I nearly ended it with him as I'm very outgoing and social but he said he only felt happy with me and he's never felt like this before and felt like he was coming out of his shell. Luckily he did and he's such a different man to the one I met (in all good ways! )

We stuck at it and fast forward years later we now have 2 children together and I have one from a previous relationship.
Our first child was born on the birthday of my MIL child that had passed away. I feel like this was probably not the best thing that could of happened as since child has been born she does not leave off... it's gradually got worse, even more so since child two arrived (who she takes pretty much zero interest in and multiple others have noticed) only 9 weeks old. With child 1 she will whisper things to, and want to see 2/3/4 times a week, she won't tell child 1 off, will let them do what they want etc, this caused problems as child 1 only ever saw me as a bad person, the one who tells them off or doesn't let them have sweets 24/7 or fizzy drinks (child is 3!!) I spoke to my husband and said it needs to stop as our child is so nasty to me for no reason. She refers to herself as mummy instead of nanny sometimes which I can't help but feel is done purposely as she never does it if my husband is around 🤷🏻‍♀️, she always refers back to her passed child and compares them with my child, she's brought my child a bangle with her child's passed favourite Disney character which MIL, FIL and all MIL side of family all wear, I just think it's all a bit strange, she cries to my husband if she doesn't see child 1 more than 2 times a week. I've now limited this to once a week and she was texting me saying it's unfair and she needs to see them as she misses them so much, but will only focus her attention when she is here on child 1. She also always throws down our throats at every opportunity how she doesn't see them enough, even when she was seeing us 4 times a week and she wishes she didn't have to work so she could be with child 1 all the time.

It's just really grating on me, there is so many other things but is to long to list in details, but a few things shortened are,

Steals sweets from our house and toys of child 1 to take to her house

Spites child 2 and will leave to cry if left alone together (child 2 9 weeks) obviously stopped this.

Constantly only asks about child 1

If I book things such as family trips she gets the hump I don't ask her, then promptly says to me she will book to come to,
Luckily last few times because of COVID stuff is booked quick!

Took child 1 to do an activity I had been waiting to do with on my own with them 2 days after I gave birth. I cried for hours, as was something I really wanted to do on my own with them and she knew that.

Doesn't like anyone else babysitting and makes it very apparent.

Says she's the green eyed monster if anyone else comes to see the children and she's not invited.

Checks up on my excuses about being busy if I say we can't see her, will question husband or my older child but in a gentle way, did you like going there sort of thing.

Doesn't listen to the way we parent

Extremely opinionated and very blunt

Whispers secrets to child 1

Wanted child 1 bedroom camera on her phone for her to view whenever.

I just feel like it's starting to affect mine and my husbands relationship, and although I feel his pain on being in the middle, I just don't know how much longer I can deal with it. She's defo not someone you could sit and chat properly about these things, it just would make things 10000 times worse so I just feel stuck

Not sure what I'm thinking I will get from posting maybe just a hand hold, but I just feel done with it.

If this was a friend doing it or a male relative people would be screaming abuse

Yes but that would be a totally different situation as the concern would be sexual abuse and paedophiles are almost always men, rarely has a grandma been found to be one.

That aside, this is extremely sad and a tough situation. She is clearly severely mentally ill. I do think you should step back a bit - one visit a week is more than enough. Wanting a camera in the child's room If your DH can't see that is wrong you have an even bigger issue.

However I also agree with pp that you may be putting a few extra things on her that aren't really her fault (really no need as this is bad enough). Relationship with a 9 week old baby - hardly had time to get to know them. And "baby left to cry when they are left alone together" - when would they have even been left alone together in the brief time since birth? I also don't see kidnapping as a realistic concern. Obviously you don't either or you wouldn't be getting her to babysit, so why say it.

Sounds like complicated grief
Speak to her with your husband
Get her a decent therapist

I feel dreadful for her p, your husband and of course you
Try to expand empathy toward her
Your husband has lost enough - don’t make this another thing

@FlyNow I wasn't calling grandma a paedophile I was making a point that if it was a friend or male relative behaving exactly the same as the OP's mother in law minus the sexual element people would be screaming abuse and how inappropriate that behaviour is. Just because it's grandma that doesn't mean her behaviour is acceptable

I'd hardly call an over indulgent grandmother grooming!! My own mum would see my kids every day if she could. We live in a different country and she basically asked me to hand them over to her to raise until they were school age, she often sits in a corner giggline and conspiring with them. If there's a lesson to be taught there it's that we don't keep secrets in our family, since that could be dangerous for their safety.

But be honest, a lot of our own mum's spoil our kids and overstep our parenting. My kids are 9 and 7 and their entire lives I've been battling with my mum to stick to my rules, which she doesn't anyway, and when I discuss this with friends they all have the same complaint about their mums. Like I said, my older child often tells me he'd rather live with grandma when he gets angry with me. Of course he would! Grandma's house is 24/7 fun.

But some of these suggestions are ridiculous bordering on cruel. It's a bit much to ask for a camera in the child's room, but other than that why be so cruel to a woman who is obviously mentally damaged?

Look at it this way - if you were dealing with a person who was mentally disabled, you would gently talk them down from the edge. You wouldn't stop contact, they wouldn't understand it.

There is surely a solution here that doesn't involve this level of harshness. This woman is damaged, she's not a pedophile and she's not grooming her own flipping granddaughter. She has boundary issues, PTSD from losing her own child and unprocessed grief.

I would reduce contact further and absolutely not leave her alone with either child. You need to monitor all interaction between them. Your MIL sounds quite depressed and what she's been through is awful but you can't let her damage your children and there are numerous red flags here. You need to set boundaries with her and the more she breaks them the less contact she has. I'd be most concerned about ANY adult who encourages children to have secrets from their parents. Anyone doing this would have no contact with my kids. Good luck xx

She is an adult and as such can choose to not engage with services so it is no point whatsoever in taking her along to a therapist. It’s very likely that she also has some form of untreated - and untreatable personality disorder. No one likes to think this about a relative but such are no respecter of persons.

The MIL needs therapy such but disordered of thinking people do not tend to go into therapy at all, she likely thinks there is nothing wrong with what she is doing perhaps like your own mother does randommum82. She is doing your own self and your kids really no favours at all by acting as she does and it is not correct to assume either that many such people overstep the child’s own parents when it comes to parenting. Overbearing and controlling individuals do this to their adult children and they also disregard any boundaries you care to set them.

@randommum82 So the mother in law whispering things in a young child's ears is acceptable is it? encouraging and telling the child to keep secrets is that also ok? Playing favourites with both children is that perfectly reasonable? Calling herself mummy rather than nanny in front of the op but not the op's husband is also perfectly fine? Asking to have camera access to the child's bedroom on her phone so she can see them any time she wants is also a reasonable request? This behaviour alone is concerning but throw in the constant spoiling to the point where the OP is made out to be the bad guy and where the child is being outright nasty to their mother because they've been told no and its now starting to effect the OP's relationship with HER child is that also acceptable to you? If so you have serious boundary issues and you're deluded that is not normal behaviour of an adult towards a child it is emotional manipulation and abuse!

Tillux

Did you manage to talk with your H?. What was his response?

@Luciferthecat666 thank you for your comments, I do believe yourself and majority are right about MIL she does have issues and I don't think at all they are healthy.

@AttilaTheMeerkat unfortunately he didn't get back from work until late, so am going to tonight, I already have made sure he's back for dinner so once kids in bed we can sit and talk.

The comment about her babysitting was when my eldest son had split his lip at school, I had to collect him and take to drs so didn't want to take baby as eldest was very upset and crying/ bleeding plus with covid drs prefer you don't bring siblings, wasnt ideal and wouldn't of opted for it but MIL was already at ours and DH wasn't home for another 30-45 mins because he had to pack up at the job he was at, luckily he's self employed so could come back.

When I got home baby was SCREAMING DH was with our DC1 upstairs as had a toilet accident. MIL said he's been screaming since you left, I questioned why she didn't give him the bottle I had left on the side before I left Incase he needed it (even though BF he will still take a bottle) she said he doesn't need it. I took him straight away and cuddled him and fed him then he was fine. I asked DH why he didn't take baby and apparently he had because he was screaming when he got home but then DC1 wet in their pants abs asked for daddy to changed them. He told MIL to feed baby whilst he sorted DC1, I told him she told me she didn't feed baby as he "didn't" need it,husband said maybe she misheard me when I told her to feed baby, he was obviously covering for her. This was the First and last time she had and will have baby on her own, other than that she held him for 5/10 mins on another occasion.

Will update once spoke to H x