end of my tether

[herbaltea567]

I'm in a hotel tonight and have cancelled my work tomorrow - our row got so bad today our neighbour banged on our door and asked us to shut up and stop. I'm beyond upset about this - he doesn't seem to care. I'm not a saint in this but please be kind I know we've been awful neighbours and I'm stuck in a cycle of worry about her - it feels awful, embarrassing and disgraceful - she had every right to be upset. I know I cant make it better with them now but its not in my nature to upset people like that. I'm not going to go back to the house until at least Tuesday.

We're stuck in a cycle that we just can't seem to break. We can't carry on like this I'm certain of that. I cannot go back to the house until I know it wont happen again. All I want is to be listened too and treated with respect but the things that matter to me don't matter to him and he just 'forgets'.

Has anyones relationships got past this? have ultimatums and leaving for a few days worked? I am out of ideas and ways I can communicate or work through this. Its like he needs a wake up call to shake himself out of this mess and start to be the partner I know he can be. But i cannot carry the both of us anymore and love is not enough.... We went to therapy but all he seems to have learnt from it was that I'm an evil cow because I raise my voice - I have addressed this and its got to the point where is there is even the slightest bit of frustration in my voice he decides i'm shouting at him and he needs a time out - leaving me on my own with the issues I needed to raise and then they never get addressed - it just turns into about him being shouted at.

I dont know what to do and i cant see a way out
I'm not in a place to hear that i should leave but I cant sleep and its swirling round my head

If you go back it will carry on. Therapy hasn't worked.

If the neighbour is suffering -that's at least 3 people in this? Why do you want to torture yourself?

Sometimes you need to be kind and end it. Pieces of a jigsaw might look like they go together, you might connect them up and think they do -but it's just not right. Or give yourself a 6 month break or something.

I think i know that i cant go back without serious change

I would consider therapy again - as its clear we weren't really done. But i've been accused of giving up and not trying because i've walked away.

the logistics of a break is unfathomable at the moment i've built my whole life around where we live and i dont have the means to go it alone... its possible but scary.

is it his house? why do you leave?

It is his house. He hated renting and bought after we lived together for a while at a time where it was impossible for me to be part of any house purchase.

i'm not going to sleep tonight its just going round and round in my head.

its hard.
wait a few days if he doesnt change you have to find a new place i think. which is sad i know.

Is it you and him - no children? And he owns the house?

its me and him no children although we had started to try. he owns the house and the mortgage is his. on paper it seems simple to just walk away but its not always like this. But i dont know how i will get to a point where i trust us to not do this anymore.

I had to walk away from a relationship like this once. There's no point second-guessing it, or fuming, or feeling aggrieved.

When your slightest tonal change or vocal simmer becomes 'aggression', you're fucked. (Although I assume your neighbour must have actually had something to moan about? Which isn't good.)

I'd you have a job, you have a salary, and you can find a decent flat share with another woman who'll be glad of your company and the rent. You can start again.

I did. It was a good decision.

Good luck

I'm not clear from your posts what you are arguing about.

"All I want is to be listened too and treated with respect but the things that matter to me don't matter to him and he just 'forgets'. "

Can you give some examples?

Prior to that, what I find worrying firstly is that his strategy when you disagree is to "exit".

In modern parlance he's basically "no platforming" you. Removing your ability to discuss the issue - that's first class passive aggressive behaviour.

My second concern from what you've posted is that he is "finding" a "tone" in your voice to accuse you of forcing his need to exit - in other words you're just not allowed to be upset/frustrated but not discussing it is also your fault.

Thirdly "he forgets". No he doesn't. He hasn't forgotten, he doesn't agree/care.

So based on what you've posted I'd say call it a day, especially if you've already had couples therapy.

For things to reach a point where a neighbour is knocking on the door is pretty extreme.

What I'm not clear on, without more information about the issues is whose behaviour is causing this angst - but maybe that's not important if I'm honest.

Perhaps it's time to admit you're not compatible?

If you have a job ...

^^ apologies for autocorrect, that is.

This sounds like a really miserable situation OP. In my experience, when things have got so bad it's reached a point of me making an ultimatum "stop [shitty behaviour/rows like this] or it's over," it's never worked. Things improve for a bit then return to how they were (sooner and sooner each time). Decent relationships don't involve someone having to go and stay elsewhere to get headspace on numerous occasions. Please don't waste your time living like this, you'll kick yourself in the future for putting up with it for so long and not walking away sooner.

the issues are easily fixed and nothing unreasonable - i want to live in a home that is predictable, clean and generally tidy and where the other party take equal responsibility for said home. Until recently i was working less and more than happy to do the lions share. I'm now working almost full time in multiple roles (usual for my career) and i need an equal support not a weight around my neck dragging me down and turning me into this horrible horrible monster. Yes it is extreme or a neighbour to knock on our door - he doesnt seem to think so - more energy spent on thinking she should mind her own business - i dont see it that way we were appalling and she has every right.
I've said I would go lots of times and have never followed through - he's barely tried to contact me and I think i realise that if what happened today isnt enough to induce drastic change then nothing will and I've got nothing left to give.

He has said on the phone I'm giving up and that I'm not committed - because i've left - I cant bare to be in that house when there is a risk that we will fight again like today I cannot do it to myself or to my poor por neighbour and I wont.

@DeRigueurMortis your writing is really very helpful and youv'e hit the nail on the head he just disarms me by demanding time out and to be left alone over very small annoyances that simply need acknowledging and apologising for. It all easy fixes but he chooses this way. I think our arguments begin small and then I am trying to be heard and holding onto the original issue that upset ME whilst he turns it into how he's been wronged leaving totally disarmed, exasperated and exhausted.

this year was supposed to be our year - my work was taking off and becoming easier, we got engaged last christmas and were beggining out wedding plannign and then covid hit. He's not been in the office since march and i've had an awful run of loosing work and having to reapply and find new ways of earning a living.

that last paragraph is by no means an excuse

it just was supposed to be different than this

OP from you're latest post I think it's time to let this go and move on.

When minor issues that should be easily (and calmly) addressed turn into screaming matches that involve the neighbours it's a big red flag.

This is no way to live.

Don't invest any more energy into trying to fix this relationship.

Instead, use your energy to focus on yourself and your career.

Once you make a decision to end it you'll be surprised at just how much weight is lifted from you and also realise how much living this way has impacted your mental well-being.

It's rarely easy to leave a relationship you were committed to - but it's a LOT easier than the trauma of trying for years to make it work and then if it comes to it, leaving after marriage/children when in terms of the latter you're tied to the bugger for life.

Remember at this point you're supposed to be in the best place of a relationship. Still new/fresh, no children, all loved up.

If this is where you are now how the hell is it going to be if in a year you have a newborn that needs feeding every 2 hours and you're hormonal and exhausted?

Your relationship hasn't been tested yet it's still fractured.

It's time to let go OP and find someone who shares your outlook/sensibilities/aspirations.

Don't tie yourself to a doomed relationship out of fear or comfort.

agree with above poster.
and also, he wants his way, he is not comprimising essentially.
and he blames you for not committing.
this is gas lighting of all sorts.

So i've put my big girl pants on. I've got a doctors appointment later where I'm going to talk about my mental health its not in a good place and I'm going to seek support for this and take what they offer. My therapist is going to call me a bit later to discuss starting work again.
I'm then going to stay with my parents until at least Thursday.
I've managed to drink a cup of tea - i get waves of energy and then fall apart. I'm not going to live like this anymore.

excellent steps herbaltea.

Well done OP.

Getting some space from the relationship right now is a good call as is speaking to your GP.