Please can I have some advice?
I have been with my husband for 4 years, married for 2. We have 2 children DS is 3 and DD is 4 months old.
Before DD, we had what I would call the "perfect" marriage. We never argued, rarely disagreed and we always had fun with eachother and as a family of 3. My husband is an amazing hands on father, I really can't fault him there. He genuinely made me feel like the most loved woman in the world and he absolutely adored me.
DD was born at home (unplanned) and was delivered by my husband. This was in July when there were certain rules about covid19 and how many people were allowed to be gathered. We had decided before DD's birth that we would have a week to settle in and let DS get used to DD being here and us adjusting to having 2 children before having any visitors. This all went out of the window when she was born. One of his sisters was down visiting his parents for the weekend (she lives 3 hours away) so he said she could come visit the DD, at the same time she come over he had agreed to his parents, his other sister and her partner and his grandparents all coming over at the same time. This was the day after the birth and I was pretty annoyed about it but just let it slide as he wanted to show off his family.
My MIL is abit of a problem. When DS was born she would constantly wake him up for cuddles, ignore what I said about him, if she asked if she could do something with him and I had given her an answer she didn't like then she would go to my husband and ask him knowing that he wasn't aware she had already asked me, his answer would usually be different to mine as he doesn't like to say no or upset his parents. I told my husband about how this made me feel and he agreed it wasn't okay and told his parents that it wasn't okay and they changed for a while. Fast forward to DD being born and it's the same problem with MIL. She wakes up DD, ignores what I say and now just completely avoids asking me anything and goes straight to my husband. I tried telling him about this 1 week after DD was born but he wasn't on my side. I kept trying to talk to him about it but he would just roll his eyes and ignore me. He didnt take paternity leave because his work wouldn't let him as too many people were off at the time DD was born. He rarely spoke to me at home and when he did it was just about the children, in the evenings we would sit in silence and if I tried to talk to him then he would just ignore me, if I gave him a cuddle he would just walk away. This was until DD was 3 weeks old and I just broke down and told him things needed to change and he needed to talk to his parents, which he did.
Things slowly got better for a couple of weeks but I just was really struggling in myself and was diagnosed with postnatal depression. My husband has never spoke to me about it or asked how I am or what I'm doing about it, he's just pushed it to one side. He helps out alot with the children and around the house but our marriage is struggling. I just kept thinking things would get better once I started to get better.
2 months ago we found out I was pregnant (unplanned and very unexpected). Husband told me he didn't think we were ready for another and wasn't sure if he wanted anymore but wouldn't pressure me into anything. I told him I needed to think properly about it and then we would talk about it again. 2 weeks ago I had stomach pains and started bleeding so I took a pregnant test and it was negative so to me, I had a miscarriage, but my husband just said "oh that's weird" and hadn't said anything since. The only thing he keeps saying is that I need to go to the doctors to arrange different contraception.
Nothing has really changed with my MIL, she still wakes up DD if I'm not in the room and if I am in the room then she will be really loud which wakes up DD. When DD is awake around MIL she won't let anyone else have her, including myself. She keeps saying about looking after DD for the day and night but I dont trust her to yet. When she has DS overnight, he is allowed to stay awake until all hours and goes to sleep usually at around midnight, which leads to us having a very unsettled 3 year old when he comes home. I know that when she asks to have DD in half term that my husband won't be able to say no. If I say anything to MIL she gets upset, will cry and everyone is mad at me for a while and it makes it very difficult for my husband. I dread seeing them and will do my best to avoid seeing them because of how they ignore me and make me feel.
Things arent much better with my husband either, he will talk to me and try to be affectionate but I just don't want to have sex at the moment for numerous of reasons. At the weekend he will let MIL have DS for the whole day Saturday and Sunday. He doesn't ask me, he just arranges it and that's that because I don't want to upset DS. We never spend the weekends as a family of 4. Today I had planned to make some christmas decorations with DS but when it came to it my husband asked DS if he wanted to help clean the car and off they went, leaving me to make the decorations by myself.
I feel left out of my own family and it doesn't really feel like a family. I'm unhappy in my marriage and don't know what to do. I'm really struggling with postnatal depression, struggling in my marriage and feel like I'm failing as a mother. I love my husband but can't help feeling like he and MIL are the main reason I slipped into postnatal depression. I can't see us being together this time in a year if things don't change. Am I being silly or unreasonable?
Sorry for the really long post but I'm desperate for help/advice.