How can I be more closed and less trusting of people?

[youbetternotshout]

It's a repeating pattern of my life that I end up being open with people too soon.

I also have a tendency to 'see the best' in people and make excuses for them.

Until I get fed up eventually and there's a big 'break up' when I finally cut them out of my life.

I have plenty of non toxic relationships and most of the toxic ones are from when I was younger (from before I went to counselling) but I do still find myself in these situations.

Happened most recently when I took a job then realised that the boss was both unprofessional and reckless but I made excuses for him for ages instead of letting myself see him for what he is.

When people are friendly towards me it's like I get sucked in.

How can I create more of a barrier with new people, any tips on being arms length but still warm and polite with it?

Unfortunately people come in all shapes and sizes @youbetternotshout and it is virtually impossible to form an accurate assessment of someone without dipping your toe in the water, so to speak. Wanting to see the best in people isn't a bad thing, the same as being open and friendly but this needs to be tested and assessed as you get to know them. There is no upfront protection but perhaps thinking of them as acquaintances first and slowly allowing them to move into your inner boundaries depending on their behaviour. If they prove themselves to be trustworthy or have values that coincide with yours you allow yourself to be more vulnerable. Any suspect behaviour and you keep them at arms length or stay away.

Totally understand the getting sucked in. As an ex people pleaser I would be ridiculously grateful to anyone wanting to be my friend and would put up with anything until I couldn't take anymore and would have to cut myself off. That came from a dysfunctional and emotionally abusive childhood. Therapy and lots of work on my self esteem later I am much more able to stand up for myself and not allow things to get to breaking point. Is assertiveness an issue for you or do you think you need to work on boundaries?

Where do you live
Are you married
What does your dp do
Have you got children and
do they share a bedroom

Sensible answers
In x town
I've been with my partner for some time
He has a business; always waiting for people to pay him
Yes 2; they share lots of things all the time

Silly answers, albeit truthful
X road (doesn't matter if it's the sink estate or most expensive in town)
Oh been together for four years
He's a mechanic, electrician, doing really well
Yes two they are three and six and they have their own bedrooms - we get maintenance from my eldest's dad.

No need to give too much away.