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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you 'stay together for the kids'?

27 replies

Mumoflil1 · 29/11/2020 19:43

Hi all,

So have been with my partner (not married) for 11 years and, I can't stand him. I resent him - he works but I pay all the household bills and wait for him to pay me back in his own time, anything the kids need all falls on me. Thing is, if he was a nice and kind partner I would just swallow it but, he is always moaning and me and the children, he shouts and swears at me in front of the kids despite me asking him not to. My eldest who is 7yo always asks things like 'why is daddy always nagging' or, I wish we could move away and leave dad behind.
I have told him it's over and planning to leave him as soon as possible even if that means moving in with my folks for a little.
My question is, I know that it will be hard. Literally, everytime he says something to me, I get annoyed, the last time he touched me I felt sick. But, my question is, how do people cope with just staying together for the kids, is it a case that those people manage their resentment? Do they just find it easier to let things go?
I'm so worried about what life will be like as a single mum but I can't do this anymore.

OP posts:

PeasNotBeans · 29/11/2020 19:46

I think in your case you don’t. Staying together will cause more harm than good. It isn’t easy though, but surely life will be better without him?

feministbias · 29/11/2020 19:48

I think that to stay for the kids there has to be something good to work with in the relationship.

Doesn't sound like there is for you.

Mintjulia · 29/11/2020 19:50

I couldn't and I honestly don't think it's good for the kids. I hope you find a way out soon.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/11/2020 19:55

Now why on earth would you want to do that?. Staying for the children is not a good idea and in your particular case a terrible one. It teaches them further damaging lessons about relationships and your kids are not going to say "thanks mum" to you if you were fool enough to stay with him. Do not use your kids as a reason not to move on with your life and take responsibility for your own happiness. Your children are not glue and should not be used as such to bind you and your so called man together.

Better to be on your own with your kids too than to be so badly accompanied. Your eldest child notices how awful he is towards you as well. Would you want him to have such a poor relationship as an adult, no you would not. Stop doing your bit here to show your kids that this abusive treatment of you from their dad is still acceptable to you on some level.

StrippedFridge · 29/11/2020 19:56

You'd be leaving for the sake of the kids.

It sounds like being a single mum would be the same as it is now but without a dead weight hanging around. Surely your single life would be much more pleasant for you and the kids.

category12 · 29/11/2020 19:58

he shouts and swears at me in front of the kids despite me asking him not to. My eldest who is 7yo always asks things like 'why is daddy always nagging' or, I wish we could move away and leave dad behind.

In this case you leave for the sake of the kids. This is no sort of environment to bring them up in.

museumum · 29/11/2020 20:00

People in your situation don’t and shouldn’t.

It’s more the “he’s just my best friend, there’s no spark” types that can probably manage staying together “for the kids” for a while.

justthecat · 29/11/2020 20:02

If your not married and u already pay everything then kick his ass out

EileenGC · 29/11/2020 20:03

@category12

In this case you leave for the sake of the kids. This is no sort of environment to bring them up in.

This. Your kids don't deserve to have him as a role model in their lives. You wouldn't scream and swear at your colleague or even a stranger on the street, let alone your own partner and children!

seensome · 29/11/2020 20:04

It's really bad when your kids are asking to leave. Why are worried about being single when you effectively do everything anyway, you would have a much calmer home life without him.

Nackajory · 29/11/2020 20:07

Never underestimate the impact of a corrosive atmosphere on the wellbeing of the kids. Sounds like you already know what to do, just have the courage of your conviction.

theneverendinglaundry · 29/11/2020 20:09

My parents stayed together "for me". They argued every day. The house was miserable.

I really feel that my teenage years would have been a lot better if they'd split up sooner, and I feel that i would've been in a much better place mentally to make better decisions about my future. As it stands, I was desperate to escape by any means possible and ruined my education because of it.

So it wasn't "for me" at all. It was to suit them because they couldn't face splitting up for whatever reasons.

It is awful for any child having that on their shoulders.

HiyaMeAgain · 29/11/2020 20:22

I'm sorry you are in this situation, It can't be nice.

I have to agree with PP's. You'll be surprised how much the kids see and hear, why put the kids through that? And yourself for that matter.

Leave now, if you can. You will feel so much better for it, and so will the kids.

Slippersocks20 · 29/11/2020 20:55

Don't. Just don't.

Leave. As someone who came from that environment... more harm than good. Even if it did take me a decade or more to realise how much harm it actually did.

Original poster

Mumoflil1 · 29/11/2020 20:58

Thanks all. You are sll do right. Regardless of what might come along, just having that 'peace' will be huge for us x

OP posts:

copperoliver · 29/11/2020 23:19

You don't stay together for the kids, you will do them more harm than good. When I was 10 I actually asked my mum to leave my dad I hated him and how unhappy he made our lives.
Thank god she listened to me. Wish she'd have done it years before. A
Tell him to leave. X

ILoveAnOwl · 29/11/2020 23:30

I'm staying for the kids because husband's behaviour only affects me, not the children. Outwardly we get on well, parent together well, have similar interests and day to day provide a fairly stable and good quality of life for our children. Inwardly, I don't trust him and he makes my skin crawl. Your situation seems very different and I'm not sure staying is the right answer.

Appleofmyeye05 · 29/11/2020 23:38

Don’t put yourself through it. It will eat you up and you’ll end up exploding. Ask him to move out.

Lora88 · 30/11/2020 00:17

I suppose it helps if the children adore there dad but sounds like yours can’t wait to get away , don’t stay for the kids x

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/11/2020 00:24

@ILoveAnOwl

I appreciate your point of view on this for your own family but my parents would say this. It actually meant I didn't know couples should be affectionate, genuinely kind, laugh together etc. I thought being civil but cool was the maximum you could expect from a relationship. It's taken me until my 30s to realise it's possible to be with someone you love spending time with, have loads of fun with, share sense of humour and interests with etc.

I swing between feeling guilty they stayed together 'for the children' and angry they did so at the expense of me seeing healthy behaviour around relationships.

It's not always beneficial for children to grow up in such households where there might not be big arguments but there's not genuine happiness and affection between parents either.

user1481840227 · 30/11/2020 01:20

You definitely don't stay for the kids, especially when one of your kids is expressing to you that they don't want to live with them.

You will get through it...and the initial days or weeks of adapting might seem long but before you know it a year will have passed and you will be so settled in your new way of life and you will be so so happy and grateful that you were brave enough to take that step.

You mentioned how the peace will be huge for you! Believe me you don't even know yet . You can imagine what it's going to be like and look forward to it but actually experiencing that peace in your life is priceless and amazing!

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMee · 30/11/2020 01:37

If your 7yo is saying 'let's move away and leave him behind', why are you even thinking to stay for them?
Anyway, in most cases, parents stay for themselves, not the kids.

Badwill · 30/11/2020 10:12

As everyone said in your situation staying will absolutely do more harm than good. Once the DC are telling you to leave you have a really big problem. We used to tell our mum to leave too. She eventually did but we were in our mid/late teens by then and the damage was done. My younger sister still holds huge resentment towards my mother for not leaving sooner (she used to beg her to leave). So you could really regret not leaving if your kids end up feeling contempt towards you.

I don't hold resentment towards my mother as I recognize her motivations were good and it was a very different time and she had an abusive upbringing so her boundaries were skewed. However if I'm truly honest, as much as I love her I do lack a little respect for her deep down for not getting us all out of that situation sooner.

You owe it to your DC to give them a peaceful family home and sadly it's all on you as their father certainly isn't going to provide that.

NeonIcedcoffee · 30/11/2020 10:41

I know somone who isn't with their partner anymore but they still live together. They have primary age kids. But I don't imagine this isn't for everyone.

I think this only works if you're not in love but still like each other and are more just like friends. I think if you can't stand him thi isn't going to work. Sorry

Raidblunner · 30/11/2020 11:40

Don't do it, you'll just become more & more resentful and that continues to impact on everything around you. In the end you'll look back and see how you sacrificed yourself and your well being to stay in something that was fundamentally unhappy. I stayed for far to long believing that my children needed their father to be there for them. I grew up in and out of foster homes and was determined to provide and keep the stability of a home even when for all intents and purposes it was broken. Its never worth it in the end, you can't get them years back.

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