Stuck in limbo and it's so hard

[dontwanttofeel]

I finally left my partner of 14 years and DS father a few weeks ago.

In many ways I've lost respect for him. He's really selfish, lazy when it comes to working, he's a narcissist or at least has the traits. I know everyone throws that term around, but my counsellor I've seen for years says he is. If something is his idea it will be so worthwhile and great, but he puts down others ideas. He always has to be right, if I differ in opinion he'll often shout me down. He's an alcoholic although he'd maintain he isn't because it's 'only' beer and not in the morning. He's definitely an alcoholic though he drinks a LOT every day and has the drinkers looks. He's not a violent drunk although he can be a bit belligerent he usually just watched TV and goes to sleep.

Up until a couple of months ago though, it was still good at times. We actually got on really well during the day when he is sober and there was still a lot of chemistry between us.

Maybe it was the last thing holding us together, because recently he became so boorish and dismissive of anything I had to say, moaning about everything and everyone, not caring or supportive if I got upset like he used to be, and sex turned boring as anything.

I know, I know people will say you are well rid of him. I know. In ways I hate him now. But I also still love him. We were together so long and I miss him making me laugh and the physical affection like hugs. We were together from my late teens and I'm mid 30s now. I suffer badly with anxiety and depression and I'm pretty isolated. I have sisters I speak to but they have their own families and that's it. One friend who lives far away and has her own issues too. It's just me and the DCs pretty much.

I'm pretty sure it's the right decision. He won't change, he doesn't see that he needs to. He acts like he doesn't care that I left him. I spent a lot of time being miserable and hurt in that relationship.

The thing is, I'm miserable and hurt now , and I have no adult company.

I'm getting pangs of hurt.

Sorry I don't know what I want from this thread. I guess just reassurance it gets better.

It will get better, you need time and space to heal. He was perhaps the root cause of your anxiety and depression; he certainly did not help your mental state any.

You're perhaps miserable and hurt even now because you are codependent in relationships and perhaps still looking at this relationship through a rose tinted lens.

He met you when you were in your late teens so had no real life experience behind you. He targeted you and deliberately so too.

Your own recovery from his alcoholism starts now; you need to rebuild your life. You've further been a victim of the idealise, devalue, discard cycle that narcissists adopt in relationships. You were also this man's enabler, codependent partner and provoker when it came to his alcoholism and you absolutely did the right thing in leaving him. Do not ever return to him under any circumstances. What adult company do you need; talk further to your therapist and reach out to trusted family like your sisters and friends. Rebuild your life.