Wife silent treatment or just angry

[Coffeep]

My wife has a tendency to get upset very quickly and will either sob / cry for hours or sometimes she will explode with anger and just go into a uncontrollable rage. We have been married for 9 years (arranged marriage) and have 2 young children. Its been like this at the outside and has just continued. If she gets upset she will cry in a manager i'd never see, she will wail for hours.

She didn't speak to either of my parents for a year when we were living with them. My father would get tea ready on the weekends at around 8:30 am, he'd always make a cup for her as she'd come down at 8:30 am. On a particular day, he'd made a cup for himself and me at 8:00 and didn't make one for her as it was still early for her. She came downstairs early and saw us drinking tea and took that as an insult and stop speaking to my dad. He did try to speak to her a few times but she just gave one word answers but otherwise ignored him.

We moved out a year later and I thought it would get better but it hasn't. I feel like i am treading on egg shells; if i say or do something she doesn't like she'll get upset. It could be anything like not liking her choice of carpet. She will get upset and start sobbing, then she will start saying things like, 'God has cursed me with this marriage' 'i am being punished' and she'll ignore me for days. I'll try talking to her and she will act as if i am not even there.
I'm spending more and more time at work, trying to pick up extra shifts, partly because i know i cannot upset her if i am not home. But I just don't know what to do.

As always, poor kids.

Think about what's best for them, it's certainly not this shit show.

She sounds like an absolute nightmare.

For goodness sake atilla, you have no idea what her side of the story would be or how coercive the control is upon her, as the female party in an arranged marriage. Stop projecting your own issues with knee jerk advice. The part about keeping her children away from her is really toxic of you given the paucity of facts.

I feel their arranged marriage has acted as a catalyst for ops wife to abuse him. To my mind walking on eggshells is really code for living in fear.

Why 586

You think her behaviour towards him is at all ok, what about these kids in the middle of all this. Silent treatment, crying at the drop of a hat? She not being interested in seeing a GP? If a woman was writing this message what would your response be. Abuse too is not respecter of persons, sex or creed.

If anyone is being controlled here too it’s the op, not the woman in this marriage.

What is she like with the kids? IE is it to everyone in the house or just you she is like this? Was it depression after the kids, lonely? Would she be happier having a small job to get out the house? Do you do enough around the house, childcare? Obviously something is going on but it needs figuring out what. If everything was ok for 6 months, what then happened? Is she willing to talk to you, go for counselling to figure out what is wrong either on her own or together. Or is this just the way she is, and can you keep going like this?

She is ok with the kids although she can get frustrated with them. She was sort of like this when we got married but maybe on her best behaviour as we were newly weds. That is what someone has commented.
I feel sorry for her more than anger because I am not what she wanted or needs and vice versa. Money issues, kids etc it just seems easier to carry on but I go to sleep and wake up hating my life and so does she I guess

Do not stay in such a marriage because of money issues or for the kids in particular. This is no relationship model to show them at all.

Read the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger.

My MIL behaves in a similar way to your wife and when I was first married I found it very difficult to understand why she was angry or sad and what I could do to stop having arguments. That book taught me to better understand her point of view and some useful techniques for calming situations down before they got out of hand. Our relationship is much improved as a result.

As she's aged my MIL has spent increasing amounts of time in bed staying away from other members of the family. She and FIL now lead separate lives, with totally separate interests and separate bedrooms. They put on a united front for people outside the family though. Appearances are still very important to her.

Hey Coffee,

Really need more info here..

Could you speak to her and arrange counselling. It sounds like she's very emotionally unstable and very sensitive to slights so it could be a reaction to some other trauma (not your marriage) or a feeling of losing control (then probably related to your marriage). I think you need to find out - and a go-between in the form of counsellor would help. Failing that a traditional marriage counsellor where you can both talk would help.

She once told me that she didn't speak to her brother for a year when they were living in the same house and she is pretty close to him. She just gets angry with me very quickly. The smallest slight and she just gets upset goes to her room sits in her bed and just cries. I have never heard of anyone being so sensitive.

This is a textbook example of the problems with arranged marriages. She’s clearly unhappy, and has been from the start. You’re not happy. Realistically you aren’t compatible and probably shouldn’t have gone so far with your relationship, so soon, before you actually got to know each other.

Is she ok with women but angry with men? She may have some issue there that a counsellor or psychotherapist needs to deal with. What was her relationship with her father like?

Are you my brother?!? 😂

Where are her parents in all of this???
What do they say?

My SIL is Muslim and her parents and mine?! Seem to be involved in mediating a lot.
She is similar in that she is externally all smiles and charm but treats him horendously behind the scenes. Lots of screaming and silent treatment. And for example smashed my brothers omega watch (can't even remember why now) in a rage and then demanded a divorce two days after they married

Her parents are instrumental in smoothing things down and getting her to see sense.
Perhaps they can help?
Personally I think they aren't compatible and should get a divorce you two sound similar.

Echoing others though your poor children. You all sound unhappy.

She has issues with both men and women. There are some women in her extended family she doesn't get on with.
Her mother knows but just says she'll change. Her mother is constantly asking for money from us so my relationship with Her is not great. My fil her father is in another country for work and he doesnt know.
She has one cousin here that smooths things over but she has her own problems. There isn't anyone else to talk to.
A couple of times she has thrown things about but that's it.

Throwing things at you. That's called physical abuse and if you were a woman here we would be telling you to get out of that relationship ASAP! Is there a Charity for men who are abused? Another poster may know more than me about this.

Ok your wife clearly has extremley unhealthy coping strategies for her emotions and this isn't a good scenario for you or your children. But please don't listen to people who want to jump to diagnose her with BPD - people with BPD are not automatically nasty people and nasty people don't automatically have BPD. Unless they have met your wife and spoken to her - and are qualified to make that diagnosis they shouldn't be suggesting it. Crying alot also isn't necessarily manipulative - it is a symptom of depression. That said nobody is happy in this relationship and it should not continue, it won't get better.

It sounds as if your wife may be suffering from a depressive disorder. Oddly, angry outbursts are a part of that. If that is the case, then it is very possible that therapy and medication can allow her to live far more normally and far more happily. Talk to her about this. If she is not willing, you must consider leaving, and taking the children with you. You may not know it now, but I'm willing to bet that she loses her temper with them as well, or will do so in the near future. Regardless, her happiness (and yours) are secondary to the happiness and wellbeing of your children.

I wish you all the best in solving this, no matter what you have to do.

It could be abuse. It could be mental illness. Either way something has to change. As pps have said its really unhealthy at best and you all deserve better.

I don't think diagnosing her over the internet would make any difference tbh. Let's face it her behaviour could be down to a brain tumour and you would never know as she won't go to the doctor? It's pointless.bbyou need to focus on how her behaviour affects you.

I think if you were a female talking about a male you would get a lot less people saying " he sounds so unhappy!" And more people saying " he is abusive". She sounds horribly manipulative and abusive and the likelihood is she will get worse not better. Start documenting her behaviour in a diary and seek support. Do you have someone to talk to?

I dont have anyone professional I can speak to but work have a helpline for ppl suffering from stress. I have been meaning to call them but I have been putting them off.

Stop putting them off, call them!. Your wife is causing you stress because of her behaviours towards you. Its not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.

I would also suggest you contact Mankind as well on 01823 334244

www.mankind.org.uk/

Your wife's parents do not appear to be much if any help either; her mother thinks that her daughter "will change" and her father's response to all this has been to work abroad (out of sight out of mind). He knows.

Any shame or embarrassment you feel at being in this situation at all is totally misplaced on your part.

You can only help your own self Coffeep ultimately as well as your children. Its not just about you here, what are they learning about relationships here?.

My mum was like this and I hated the atmosphere as I grew up. You should try to resolve this - if not for you or her, you should do it for your children. It's a horrible way to live.

I've recently read a book about Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents (something like that) which I found very good at explaining my mum's behaviour. Your wife's issues may be connected to deep emotional immaturity- the silent treatment being a classic example of not being able to communicate or empathise. Please, don't let your children learn this. Was this what her family home was like?