Please help! In need of advice for co parenting during this upcoming Covid Tier 2

[Kokeshi80]

Hey guys

Just after some advice, I have been co parenting with my ex for a couple of years now.
My eldest turned 18 in May this year.
We have both been having the children 50/50

He messaged me this morning saying that my son is now staying with him illegally and i quote

"Ive just been reading some stuff about over 18 year olds moving between homes and technically (our son) is breaking the law coming to mine which I find very frustrating as he should be staying in one place. ( our daughter) is fine as she is under 18.
He can come back to me at christmas during the allowed days or when this area falls back to tier 1 but under teir 2 this cant legally happen"

Firstly does anybody know if this is actually correct as I can't find anything to back this up and am I reading in to this and working myself up. Of course my son is welcome with me anytime no matter what but this doesn't feel right.

No that it's my business what he does but he has a new partner who he recently met and he goes between his and her houses during this all. Saying they are in a bubble. So what's the difference with our son? He is still family.
Any help and words of advice is most welcome. Thank you x

You could reply to ask why he's choosing his girlfriend over his son?

Probably not helpful, sorry!

That's ok, thank you for replying.
He is a very manipulative and controlling man, a narcissist. Hence why we are no longer together a very toxic and abusive relationship. Asking him that question will not work.

When he come back for Christmas don’t let him go back to his dads again?
In all honesty he is 18 so surely he should choose where he wants to stay? He’ll soon learn his dads an arse!

I don't think they differentiate between just turned 18 and older more independent adult children, so your ex is correct that he's not covered by the exemption for children moving between houses. If your ex lives alone he is allowed to make one support bubble, so has to choose between his girlfriend or his adult son.

If DS enjoys spending time with him regularly, then he's been a bit of dick by not choosing him. However if like many teenagers, your DS's not that bothered about spending time with his dad, then I can kind of see where he's coming from.

Sorry just re-read and seen that your ex is keeping DS (I read it as him refusing to have him). It's still correct that he should not be moving between households, but as an adult it's up to him whether he stays at yours or ex's.

Are you the only adult in your house? If so could you form a bubble with your DS.

There are many, many queries like this and how to interpret the rules. We have a couple ourselves. I think common sense has to apply here. What about all the parents of university students? They won't be telling their children to stay at uni during the holidays because they are adults so can't come home.
Offspring of separated parents are exempt and if you are still coparenting this should continue in my opinion, he is still living at home shared parental support should continue.
I would be tempted to reply along these lines and as long as you are all sensible then nothing needs to change. If your ex doesn't want him to go then he needs to tell him and explain why he chooses his girlfriend over him.
You reassure your son that he is always well home with you.

Honestly if he doesn't want your ds there there's not much you can reply, other than 'No problem. Just let ds know before he comes back here.
I'll leave you to arrange Christmas between you.'

Thank you everyone, appreciate all your replies.

I think it just surprised me receiving his messages, even though we have our children 50/50 he makes it perfectly clear when they are with me they are my responsibility his ends until they go back to him 🙄

I haven't replied to him as I did at first read that he didn't want him. Seemed like a dictated message like he always has done. No option whatsoever. Anyways...

As my DS is 18 and and adult now I've spoken it through with him. He knows he is welcome here ANYTIME. Thank you everyone xx

@Kokeshi80

That's ok, thank you for replying. He is a very manipulative and controlling man, a narcissist. Hence why we are no longer together a very toxic and abusive relationship. Asking him that question will not work.

In that case, the less contact your children have with him, the better.

@AnotherEmma yes absolutely agree. My son doesn't really enjoy going but he does to his own advantage. I have never ever said a bad word about their father in front of them, they've seen his behaviour when they were younger. But as I know in time, they are getting older they will see for them selves. They know how much they are welcome here so that's what matters.

It's such an awful thing to say but I've never disliked some one so much, 4 years divorced and he still gets under my skin and makes my blood boil.