Any relationship managed to get over dishonesty?

[Inshockanddevestated]

Name changed for this.

I have just discovered that my husband has lied to me, very seriously. Mainly about money and where I thought we were in a very financially safe situation (even wealthy enough to retire in our forties) we are actually in debt. I am in shock and devastated.

I don't want to say too much that is revealing but there are no third parties and no addictions.

I am not flashy, believing he had money didn't make me love him more but I have made life, career and financial choices based on a security I believed I had which will have massive repercussions for me.

He has no explanation, he certainly didn't gain anything from lying so it seems like some form of compulsion maybe. He admitted to similar lying in childhood. He is full of remorse and seeking help, I have let him know that even if he is able to label it under mental health that doesn't mean that I will forgive.

I am reeling and processing this all and I know that one option, indeed the likely correct option, is to run for the hills.

But I was blissfully happy before this bombshell and, whilst I am a rational person whose head says 'surely there is no coming back from this', my heart says that 'bar this (admittedly pretty fucking massive thing) things were lovely'. It is very early days and I am trying to make sense of it and probably in denial too.

I would like to know if anyone has managed to stay together after a huge lie in a relationship and if so how?

Please be kind I really don't want to see LTB in replies as I know that is the right advice and likely outcome here. But before I make a life changing decision I just want to see if other people have managed to overcome something similar?

Anyone?

Sorry you're going through this OP. You must be really shocked. It is a huge thing losing your security and future plans like that. If your relationship is otherwise good I think I personally would seek couples therapy to go through what has happened (the dishonesty) and to try to come up with a plan for you both to get back on your feet together emotionally and financially. Do you think it's that he kept some small/fixable (or so he thought) financial issue quiet so as not to worry you and then over time it has snowballed/got out of control and he has been too embarrassed to own up? Overall the solution may mean working longer than planned, or your OH taking on some extra work or something to get you out of the debt. It sounds really tough but if it was my OH and things were otherwise good I would try to help him work out why he has done what he has done and to sort things for us, while ensuring nothing like this can happen again. But he's need to take responsibility and show remorse. If there are other big issues in the relationship then it would cause me to reconsider though.

How did you find out? This would influence my decision.

I couldn't come back from a big lie in my previous marriage and made the decision to split. Obviously it's not black and white. There's more to think about. It doesn't just sit in isolation. But how you found out could change things.

Thank you both. Bitty we have agreed to marriage counselling so will see how that goes. No other issues apart from this now massive one. We have always had a really loving and supportive relationship. I am just floored.

Cheese he admitted he lied but I think only when he realised that he have to produce the money or would be found out anyway. He let me quit my job before he admitted the money didn't exist.

He has hugely broken your trust.
Can you stay with someone who lies to you like this?

I don't think you will every truly be able to trust him ever again.

You know the lengths he will go to, to continue his lies. He let you quit your job ffs. That's breathtakingly arrogant, selfish, self-centred behaviour. You think you've had a loving and supportive relationship, but you really haven't. If you had, he wouldn't have done this to you.

You might be able to put on a good show, you might even tell yourself that you trust him 100 percent again, but one day, one little thing will give you that gut churning, stomach sinking, head tingling feeling again. And rinse and repeat.

He let me quit my job before he admitted the money didn't exist.

I was on the fence until this. For me personally, I don't think I could trust someone after that. That would be too far for me.

If it's anything like my experience of being betrayed (not affair and not money)

I got very very depressed because I lost faith in everything and everyone (I don't have any family which probably didn't help)

I detached and was preparing to leave

He begged for me to stay

I said I'd give the marriage 2 years of trying to make it work.

I'm still here. I a different person he is a different person. Glad we're still together but it's not the happy ever after I used to have.

I have learnt that forgiveness take time, trusting again takes time, being vulnerable is really really scary.

Sometimes I think I should have left but ultimately I don't know 🤷🏽‍♀️

When I discovered dh had seriously lied about money and our financial position it was a Sunday evening..
I told him to move out the next day and he did.
Over 8 years ago now and haven't seen him since that Monday when I left for work...
Absolutely no regrets.
Filed for divorce that week.

I have got over it. I don't want to say too much, it would be outing to anyone who recognises the circumstances, but it was a massive lie. I thought we would have a certain sum and it turned out that we didn't.
It caused massive problems and a change of lifestyle, but we are still together many years later.
If you want to get through this, you can. It depends on your feelings towards your husband.
The only lasting feeling, for me, is that I still don't trust him on finances and I check everything.

My xh did similar but his was gambling. Which he never admitted to. Where has the money gone? Liars like this...lie. It's horrendous, I feel sorry for you, it feels so unfair when other areas are good. I would leave but only you know the full set of circumstances

He let you quit your job before telling you?!? In the current economic climate?!?

Unforgivable.

Personally I'd be putting all my energy into finding a new job and financial stability, not into counselling so he can feel better about himself.

He's a liar and should have to deal with the mess himself.

Cheese he admitted he lied but I think only when he realised that he have to produce the money or would be found out anyway. He let me quit my job before he admitted the money didn't exist.

Oh my god.

I think you should take your time here. You don't have to decide you're staying or leaving one way or the other yet.

OP did he tell you your finances were healthy? Or did you just have the impression you were financially secure?

Thank you so much to everyone who has offered advice, particularly those who have shared their similar experiences. I am feeling broken by this but will not make a decision while my head is a mess. It has helped sharing, even if it is to strangers on the internet. Thank you for being kind.

I’m just reading through your post and wondered what you did 3 years on? I’ve found myself in a very similar position and I don’t know what to do 😢

Sorry to hear this Smulls. We’re still married. Had a lot of counselling.

We’re happy but when there are arguments - which is rare- this does rear its ugly head.

I wanted a family and to be frank was too old when this happened to start over, meet someone new etc. if I had been the right side of, say, 37 or 38 I would have done so. That doesn’t mean I regret staying but it is what ultimately swayed me.

Thank you for getting back to me and pleased to hear you managed to figure things out. I guess life sometimes throws us curveballs and things don’t work out the way we imagine. I will definitely look into counselling X

I would say don’t make a decision too soon. I would however recommend time apart while you make that decision, that wasn’t available to me and I think close proximity makes it more difficult to choose to do anything other than stay.

I don’t regret staying, we have a lovely relationship but I really hate that this happened and it has tainted my life somewhat.

Good luck Smulls x