I'm so confused

[NotGettingMarried]

NC because I suspect his sister is on here.

I have been with my boyfriend for four years now. I'm 34, he's 40.

I've been having a confusing feeling lately. I feel kind of put out and hurt that he hasn't asked me to marry him.

He seems to not really believe in it (not like hes passionately against it or anything, but when I've heard him talk about marriage and weddings re other people or films etc, it just seems like its not a big deal to him).

A wedding and marriage arent necessarily a big deal to me either so I'm confused by why I feel the way I do. I feel sort of...hurt almost? Not quite but almost. Like I'm not worth marrying or something?

The truth is I wouldnt marry him anyway because his financial life is a car crash and I am the higher earner so its not like I need marriage to feel secure in my life.

I guess I just dont understand why he would want to make the commitment to me by buying a house together but not getting married. At the same time like I say I wouldnt get married to him anyway.

Am I being stupid? I just feel uncomfortable somehow.

Why would you buy a house with him if he’s a financial car crash?

You are wasting valuable brain space on this. You don't want to marry him anyway. Crack on with your day and give it no more thought.

Do you think him asking you would make you feel secure? You say you wouldn't want to marry him now anyway so maybe you need to explore why you want him to ask.

Goodness OP! If you wouldn't want to commit to him (by marrying) why would you waste your youth on him?

OP, I wonder if you are beginning to have doubts about him and the relationship altogether, but have just focused these on the marriage aspect?
You don’t sound like someone happily settled with the love of her life. You sound like the rose tinted specs are beginning to slip off and you are starting to consider the downsides of this man - financial car crash, marriage phobic, possibly not your ideal partner after all?

Are you saying that in four years you have never talked to him about marriage? Never directly asked him his views?

Have you actually bought a house together? What about children?

If his financial life is a car crash, why on earth would you buy a house together let alone marry him?

I actually think you do want to marry him.

Wanting to be offered things that you say you don't want anyway is something that people who struggle with saying no often do as a way of getting things that they don't want to admit to themselves that they desire.

Something like having a cup of tea at your mam's for example, you won't ask her if she has biscuits but you want them and if she offers you aren't going to say no. But if she didn't offer the biscuit and it was pointed out later you would probably say you didn't want a biscuit anyway.

This is the same thing (obviously a more extreme situation), you seem to desire something that ties your partner to you but for whatever reason you don't want to admit to yourself or others that you want to marry him. It's possible he isn't the only one with some issues around marriage but that perhaps you have some feelings about it that you haven't addressed.

You havw two options at this point;
1 - Sit down and talk with your partner about whether either or you want to get married eventually or perhaps a civil partnership or something official that joins you as a couple legally.

2 - Arrange an appointment with a therapist and figure out why you're feeling this way so that you can address these emotions yourself without feeling like you want him to propose.

No we were going to in the spring.

I think it's because deep down I DO want to get married. But I just cant see how it will be possible. We dont have the same views on anything- the type of house, where to live, ambitions, life plans. But we get on so well and I love him. I cant imagine being with anyone else. At the same time I feel angry and frustrated.

You get on well, but you're not compatible as life partners in any other respect?

@NotGettingMarried

No we were going to in the spring.

I think it's because deep down I DO want to get married. But I just cant see how it will be possible. We dont have the same views on anything- the type of house, where to live, ambitions, life plans. But we get on so well and I love him. I cant imagine being with anyone else. At the same time I feel angry and frustrated.

So in what way or ways do you “get on so well”?

@BlueSparrow
Thank you.
I guess I'm a romantic at heart. I'm not princessy at all, but I guess I would like a guy to just ask, to have put some thought into it and want to, without there being a whole practical discussion around it if you see what i mean. But also I'm confused because theres something in me that's torn. It's like I want to because I want to be with him, but at the same time it's like we arent aligned.

My mum has said she thinks in many ways hes the right person for me but in many ways not. I see what she means and I agree. It's really difficult. I feel upset. I cant decide whether I'm supposed to be with him or not. It's really eating me up inside. Hes so lovely and supportive of me but I dont see how we are supposed to be together when nothing we want matches.

NC because I suspect his sister is on here

Never understand stating name change and then adding details because his sister will definitely know now.

Never understand stating name change and then adding details because his sister will definitely know now.

It's to hide the previous posting history in case the sister recognised this post.

You’re not compatible on the basics, he’s not the one for you