Bf's close family member diagnosed with cancer - how best to support?

[dazzlinghaze]

Hi everyone, just looking for a bit of advice from either people who have experience of a loved one being diagnosed with cancer or has supported a loved one who has experienced this?

My boyfriend's uncle who he is very close to has been diagnosed with cancer and he's really torn up about it. I'm very fortunate to have never gone through anything like this so I'm wondering how best to support him. We've only been together since January and due to COVID, I've only briefly met his family so although we are a very close couple I'm keen to not overstep any boundaries while supporting him as much as he needs.

He rang me tonight to tell me and he sounded so sad. I said I was so sorry to hear the news and have told him if he needs anything at all to let me know, whether it's a chat, a cuddle, a distraction or something more practical. I offered to go see him tonight or tomorrow but he works Sundays and said he just wants to keep busy and not take time off just now and arranged to see me through the week.

I've said that's absolutely fine but I'm wondering if it's a bit rotten of me to not go see him? If it was me I think I would want to be comforted but I know everyone is different. My fear is that he's saying not to bother coming over because he doesn't want to be a pain. I want to respect his wishes but also don't want him to think I'm not bothered.

I think I'm best to just follow his lead but am a bit worried he's trying to be strong and not be a burden.

Any advice would be much appreciated!

Why not take him over something to eat? Give him a hug and tell him in person that you’re there for him, but don’t impose. It’ll be fairly obvious if he wants you to hang around so take the hint from him.

Plan for it to just be a quick visit, but be prepared to stay if he wants you to. Don’t get offended if he doesn’t.

OP my best friend just lost her husband to cancer. He was diagnosed only in May. It’s been a terrible shock but I purposely decided to form my bubble with her. I take my lead from her. I speak to her every day, even if it’s just a quick message. I see her once or twice a week. Let him talk if he wants to or speak about other things. Try to be practical. Taking food is a good idea. You say he might feel like you don’t care but in reality that is YOUR feelings, not his. Honestly it’s a time when everyone feels quite useless but knowing you are there if and when he wants you to be will mean a lot. Just keep present in his life and don’t be afraid of his grief. I hope his uncle copes well with his treatment and recovers x

Thank you for the advice! Really sorry to hear about your friend's husband @Aminuts23. You sound like a lovely friend.

He phoned me this morning and sounded a bit more positive. I think he does just want to carry on as normal just now until they know more about his uncles situation so I'm going to leave him to his work today. He's coming over on Tuesday so I'll sort dinner and do a bit of batch cooking so I can send him away with some meals. It'll be good to see him face to face because I'll be able to get a better sense of how he is and give him a big cuddle. I just so want to get things right and do my best for him.

I think for the time being I will just keep in contact the same as I normally would and follow his lead. We speak every day so I'll be able to see how he's doing during our normal chats.