ExH and live in GF - and treatment of DC

[PicpoulDeMeNay]

Name changed as haven’t for years and this may out me if compared to previous threads. Been around a long time - naice ham, penis beaker, Mexican house thief etc.

Quick back story, separated 3 years ago from pretty abusive ExH (Took me a while to realise) - I left marital home as he refused. Now divorced. Share DS18 and DD16 (nearly) 50/50.

Six months after I left he met someone, and moved her in 6 months after that. It made life a lot easier to be honest, we co parent pretty well and I don’t dread phone calls or texts now like I did. I’m happy he met someone, genuinely. I didn’t meet her for quite a while as apparently I didn’t need to vet her (I only wanted to to say hello as she spends time with DC). Have met her, she seems nice, and generally DC like her.

The issue is she’s completely taken over the house. She lives there, guess she wants to make a mark, but ExH pays all mortgage, bills, etc. She occasionally buys food. That’s their business, but just trying to say this is his house, and DC (this was the only house they knew before I moved out).

All photos of DC have gone and been replaced with photos of her DC, DGC and ExH. DD is really upset (she’s a really sensitive soul). When her family used to visit when it was allowed in the summer, DD was always asked to go upstairs to her room so GF and family could have time together. Her DGC also call ExH grandad. Queue more DD upset.

ExH has also decided he’s spending Xmas Day with GF and her family, and not our DC. They’re with me, which is fab, but won’t see him until Boxing Day. I know that’s normal for many separated families, but the other house is only 15 mins away. Again, DD very upset.

Apparently GF talks to them like shit too, and ex doesn’t back them up. I’ve heard this from 2 separate people, including his BF.

DC don’t talk to me about it - if I ask how GF is, they just say she’s fine, and I don’t push as I think it’s unfair. DC seem fine when here, and they always want to go back there, there’s been no resistance.

How should I handle this? Should I intervene or just let time take its course and DC decide for themselves?

Thanks

There's nothing you can really do OP is there? When you say "intervene" what were you thinking? Your DC are old enough to stop seeing their dad if they like, so I'd just let it take its course and check in with your DD occasionally to see if she wants to talk to you about it all.

There's nothing you can do except be supportive towards your dc and bolster their self-belief to speak up for themselves, or even leave if they're unhappy.

At 16 and 18, if they're feeling unhappy where they are, they can just leave. (They also don't have to go.) I'm not saying push that idea, but they're able to decide for themselves.

They'll need to manage their relationship with their father themselves and all you can do is be a listening ear and shoulder.

Thank you.

DS definitely can stand up for himself, and does, DD is much less confident and would just sit and stew.

You’re right, they’re old enough to make their own decisions, and he will the one wondering why his relationship with his DC has broken down in years to come, if it comes to that.

The DC don’t have to go so if they’re still choosing to be there 50/50 it can’t be that bad.

By intervene what do you imagine doing about any of it? She’s his partner of 2.5 years. They live together. The DC spend half their lives with her so she’s not a stranger.

Do you know for a fact that every single photo of the DC has been removed? That sounds quite dramatic and extreme. Why haven’t they asked their dad where the photos have gone?

Maybe just counsel your DD to give her support to stand up for herself. It's her home too and she should learn to assert herself. Maybe GF doesn't realise she is upset. Though I'm a bit confused as you say GF is nice and your DC like her, but then that she is creating your DD badly?

In different situations, where my DDs (also mid to late teens) get upset and talk to me about it, I always give them advice on how to deal with the issue as I believe in encouraging them to solve problems assertively. (They don't have to take it obviously, but have done at times)

Treating, not creating

They'll need to manage their relationship with their father themselves and all you can do is be a listening ear and shoulder.

At their age now, unfortunately this.

But your DD sounds like she could do with extra love and support at the mo. Personally I'd want to boost her investment in your own home, make her feel real ownership and solidity. I suppose with her you could tread v gently and give her an opening to say how it's going with Dad/at his house.

If DD has been v upset about not seeing him on Xmas day, then presumably you do talk about it?

But I think your question is more about talking to the adults here. Yes, undoubtedly the GF is a cow if she's got rid of the kids' photos and at any point sends them upstairs when guests come. She's a monster and thank God they don't live there all the time.

They love their dad, and put up with her because they don't want to alienate him by rejecting her.

It's not nice for them, but sadly this is the world of navigating a mixed family.

Personally I would indeed talk to him about it. About all the points you've mentioned. It sounds like the GF is dominant and he's rolling over and letting her do what she likes. At the expense of the kids. IMO he needs to grow a pair.

How do you know all of this if your DC haven’t told you?

Also, re pictures and upset over her family, be careful that you’re not hearing what they want you to hear. Sixteen year olds can be very dramatic, and if e.g. they’ve removed a photo of them then it might be seen by DD as a rejection and so she might have made it out to be something bigger. I’m not saying she’s lying FWIW just maybe overdramatising.

IF your DC have seen their dad during lockdown then Christmas may be the first time the GF has been able to see her family and the GF for a while, and Christmas may have given them a way to get together.

And at sixteen and eighteen the DC are perfectly capable of understanding that Christmas is just a day and that seeing their dad on Boxing Day doesn’t take away from that.

There is nothing you can do to intervene, and tbh your children wouldn’t thank you for it, their mum getting involved in their disputes with their dad would be embarrassing for them at that age, possibly even why they’re not telling you any of this if it’s true and not just someone else’s assessment.

I don't get OP why you change your name but tell everyone your other names?

Let them decide if they want to go there for the future meetings but Christmas is disjointed for many separated familes (I am in one myself, and feeling very unsettled about it all this year) anyway and especially this one. It's a new routine for your children and I think most families are going to feel the affects of a very strange one this year. See how they get treated over Boxing day and it take it from there.

That's not nice at all leaving your DD out and making her leave the room that everyone is in. Could you speak to the girlfriend about that?

@ cheesecadet those aren’t OP’s previous names, they’re threads she’s referenced to show that she’s been on mn for a while....

Ah I see, my apologies X

If you are in a position to have your DC with you more if the time without it causing you hardship, let them know that the option is there, then the ball is in there court, they may not think more time with you is an option, so if it is, let them know.
They may have other good reasons for staying there - nearby friends, colleges, more room, all their stuff to hand, which is fine. It's for them to decide on balance what's best for them, you can give them options.
Sounds like the boot is on the other foot meanwhile with your ex, ironic somehow that he's now getting ruled by the next SO in his life, might do him some good to be on the other side of- or make him miserable in the future when he realises his flesh and blood have turned their back on him.

Thanks all.

Will try and answer some questions.

I’ve heard about this from a mutual friend of night of ours who is a trade person so was legitimately at the house working. I’m still in touch regularly with them (friend and wife)as they are friends of mine too, have been since we both had DDs at the same time, and last saw them before lockdown socially. He knows the house well, and it’s all been changed round, there were pics of DC on the wall, on the sideboard etc.

GF does seem nice, and that’s good - but I guess anyone can be nice outside of closed doors.

Other house is only 15 mins away, so neither is as easy as the other for work (DS) or school (DD), DS drives and is pretty independent.

DD has said to me previously the house doesn’t feel like her house any more, and that she hates the furniture in the lounge now as GF has bought all her own from storage in (her prerogative) and got rid of what we had previously. So she does open up a bit. When I asked her if there was anything else she was worried about, she said no.

She’s not with me this weekend, but I’ll have a chat with her when she’s back and see what she says, she will open out about girl stuff like periods, boys and school work being hard - but if I ask about if she gets on with GF ok (and I’ve been really clear I’m happy her dad has met someone, since he first met her) She tends to just shrug and change subject.

I feel I just need to make sure they know they can talk to me, and be there for them. I just want them to have a good relationship with their dad too, and I’m worried that he is maybe without realising pushing them away a bit.

I would keep saying "you know you don't have to stay there don't you" if the house is so close they could just go over for the day? And then if they start to feel ignored or sent to their room they can just come home.

My dd stopped seeing her dad because she did didn't want to stay over, now she's driving she just goes to see him when she feels like it and then comes home again.

Thankfully they both have you, I know of dcs who have both their parents treat them like this and therefore end up moving out at the first possible opportunity

I come from a divorced family and it's really common for divorced women to continue feeling responsible for the previous martial home even though it's nothing now to do with her.

Unfortunately a divorce means you have no say over how your ex or his latest gf choose to run their own home or live their lives, including with your joint DC. I find it very interesting that in your own way, like your ex, you're considering bypassing the decisions they've made, (despite them making it clear they don't want you to be involved). At 16 and 18 they're more than old enough to make their own decisions and could live with you much more if they wanted to (let them know that that is an option, but that it's completely their decision, and you will support whatever they choose to do).
You trying to "intervene" will simply make things even more toxic for them because it will embroil you and your ex in another war, which I'm sure your DC have had more than enough of already. I can tell you from being in their position once upon a time that this causes kids MUCH more stress and is exactly why they've chosen not to discuss her with you.

It's hard for a mother as you care about your children but this loss of control is a sad outcome of divorce and you just have to accept this. Remember that they're simply unconsciously copying your own submissive 'don't want to rock the boat' behaviour you had towards him while they were growing up, and it's not their fault that they're this way.

The best thing you can do for them now is build up their self-esteem in other ways (look up on YouTube e.g. highlighting and complimenting their attributes), and crucially, RESPECTING THEIR OWN DECISIONS. Growing up in an household witnessing emotional or other abuse means that as children, they are used to a dominant person making decisions for them and ruling the atmosphere of the house. They need you and others to start respecting their own voices/choices, even if you don't agree with them, so they can start feeling like their choices matter and are not there to be overruled by someone else without their consent.

*marital home

Just to add to the above, in case there's any doubt, do not try to pry into how your daughter feels about the gf. If you've made clear already there you're there to talk about anything whenever she needs, that is enough and you shouldn't be trying to force her to "open up" or discuss that with you. You're actually the last person she would want to discuss this gf with because you're the person who would be most hurt and angry by any of the things she says about her.

My parents divorced at a similar age to your DD. I'm quite close to my mother but even at my current age, I still refuse to discuss my father's current wife (then gf) with her at all. There are things about her behaviour that only myself and my siblings know and are careful never to divulge to her directly. She divorced my own dad due to abusive behaviour and any discussion about the current new wife just brings up hurt, anger and bitterness on her part (no matter how much she may deny she feels it or tries to cover it up) and will just disturb the relative peace that her and my father currently have. She will start wanting to 'make things right' or goad us into doing what she thinks is the right thing to do. Unfortunately even if this comes from good intentions from her perspective, it's just controlling behaviour on her part, when it's as clear as day to me and my siblings that nothing she does or we do, will change how my father or father's wife choose to live their lives anyway. And we don't want any ranting or offloading from her about how bad either my dad or is wife is - we just want a peaceful home!

I would worry much less about your (adult) children than you are. In any case I expect your daughter is opening up to her friends or another outside party who has no vested interest in the family, so she'll have a 'safe space' to offload to if she needs.

I can't see at all what is wrong with the new partner changing the decor of the house you have nothing to do with anymore. Are you bored and looking for drama? Prying your children, gossiping with tradesmen. It's time to let go. Your children are nearly adults themselves - they'll be choosing their own knick knacks and sofas soon.

The DC don’t have to go so if they’re still choosing to be there 50/50 it can’t be that bad.
Yet grown up adults remain in abusive relationships for years, which are that bad.

The fact that there still going doesn't mean it's not bad for them. They may just be scared of being totally pushed out of his life in favour of the step siblings....so they keep going.

I wouldn't take their continued going as a sign that it's not that bad

DS definitely can stand up for himself, and does, DD is much less confident and would just sit and stew.

Might be worth giving her some tips on how to be more assertive. It is can be hard at that age to know how to handle some adults.

I agree with the PP who said not to ask about GF or anything that happens there as this seems to make DD uncomfortable and perhaps she won't want to "betray" her father. Best not mention anything. She has already told you what she dislikes about the situation. There is nothing to intervene about other than just tell DD not to go upstairs when He's family come round as it is her home too.

Other than that I am not sure action is required

I would tell him how his kids are feeling. If he is any half decent father he will care about his kids more than his girlfriend. Also he needs to consider why his own kids do not congide in him. I feel angry for your poor kids. Good luck

Should read.... confide