Don't know how to help my friend

[Notanothermask]

So I'm so worried for my friend we have been mates since our DC was babies there now 4 nearly 5

So friend text out the blue asking if we could meet in the park, I agreed and went to meet up, from the get go I could tell she was off and somthing wasn't right so while DC was playing I sat her down and asked her if she was ok! She just broke down in front of me after a minute or so she sorted her self out and went in to explain

Her P and father of her two children has been becoming more angry and intimidating towards her backing her into a corner until she cowers calling her awful names etc anyway she said they had an argument last night and she told him she was leaving him taking DC with her! She said he got so angry and told her she won't be taking DC and if she left he would make her life hell and "grass her up" which would make her loose DC anyway!!
So I stoped her and asked what exactly would he be "grassing her up"
She went on saying that beg of last year he stopped paying for anything she was scripping by borrowing money etc so she foolishly decided to claim benefits as a single mother (I know it's bad but she obv wasn't thinking)
Apprently he found out a while back and "allowed her too" Aslong as after rent and bills all other money was his she tried begging him to make a joint claim but he refused to do this! (He works btw but refusing to pay his money is for him to spend only) she said she tried cancelling the claim to which he threatened with violence and taking DC away!

Anway! She now saying she has to stay with him as he will tell on her which would mean either prison or kids removed
I honestly don't know what advise to give her? I've never been in a situation like this or even heard of one!
Can she get a lot in trouble for this!
I've told her this is abuse and she can't see it
Thankyou

I would say she must leave. He is blackmailing and bullying her. There may be consequences re the false claims but nothing like the hell she must be in now.

This situation is awful i don't know to advise but if he's not giving her any money what was she supposed to do. I would get her to kick him out and tell dwp what he's done im sure this is controlling abuse and help should be available. But unless she gets rid she's stuck with him blackmailing her so still controlling her and its her who could get done for it. She needs to decide if she wants to stay out of prison fess up but defo get rid of her abuser. Could she report him to police? Don't know what else to suggest.

I highly doubt she would lose her children or go to prison. She needs to call Women's Aid as soon as possible to get help.

I've told her to go to women's aid and gave her the contact numbers etc but she's so worried I know she done wrong by falsely claiming benefits but I could tell she was so upset and felt it was her only option so she could feed her DC'
I never knew she was in this position and feel bad as I never noticed the signs' he always checks up on her when we have been out together but the messages always seemed normal! Ie how long are you gonna be DC will need there tea soon! But I only even seen a few
He often turned up at the park claiming he was on the way back from work etc but I never put it together

I really feel she won't leave him in fear of him telling! I've told her to tell herself but that's a no go for her I'm honeslty so lost in how to help! Thanks for you replys

Of course she won't go to prison. Of course her children won't be taken away from her.

He has been coercively controlling her, financially and emotionally. And physically by threatening her, backing her into a corner, etc.

She did what she did out of desperation. It is very important that she gets her children and herself away from this situation. As others have said, she should call Women's Aid and just get out of there.

Think of it this way - once it's all out in the open, he'll have no power over her.

Just to repeat - the way he has been treating her is illegal and he's the one that's more likely to go to prison!

Look up coercive control, or read this:

www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control

Look up serious crime act section 76 its all on here this might help her if she's able to read it or you can and advise her. But her life will never be her own whilst she stays with him. Good luck.

Also advise her immediately to stop all talk to her P about leaving, he is showing violent behaviour towards her and her saying she is leaving with or with out DC could escalate that.

Womens Aid are her friends here, they can help. You can invite her for "lunch" so she is away from him and can make calls/visit the local centre safely without him becoming suspicious.

@PaperTowels

Of course she won't go to prison. Of course her children won't be taken away from her.

He has been coercively controlling her, financially and emotionally. And physically by threatening her, backing her into a corner, etc.

She did what she did out of desperation. It is very important that she gets her children and herself away from this situation. As others have said, she should call Women's Aid and just get out of there.

Think of it this way - once it's all out in the open, he'll have no power over her.

Thankyou for your reply I will tell her all of this! She is so scared of what can happen so see no other option of course I've told her that I'll help her as much as I can but she's not seeing it as abuse I think because she so guilty of what she's doing I know what he's doing is completely illegal and abusive just the fact he's 6ft 6 and she's only 5.5 at most and he got into a corner is enough for it to be physically abusive. She is a shell of when I first met her! But I thought kids took a lot out of her xx

Your poor friend. This is a classic case of coercive control.

As a PP said, she should prepare things in secret rather than discussing it with her abusive husband.

Maybe you could call Women's Aid on her behalf, to get the ball rolling? Explain to them that she can't call them herself right now.

You don't need to tell them all the details. Just that she needs to get away and how can you and them get that to happen.

@SnoriSnorrison

Also advise her immediately to stop all talk to her P about leaving, he is showing violent behaviour towards her and her saying she is leaving with or with out DC could escalate that.

Womens Aid are her friends here, they can help. You can invite her for "lunch" so she is away from him and can make calls/visit the local centre safely without him becoming suspicious.

Oh Thankyou I diddnt even think of this! I will tell her this she's due to call about another meet up I know he P is working tonight so should be able to talk freely. I'm so worried for her as I don't want her to feel like she has no options! I feel she might be more willing as she finally told me which I guess for her is a start I just don't want to push it all on her and her back away from me if that makes sense as I know she's lost a few friends over the years

She definitely has options. Support is there for her, and there are mitigating circumstances for the claims she has made. That should help her case.

I'm sure you are right to take it gently. Gain her trust, then help her believe that she can get away, with her children, and not go to prison or have them taken away from her.

Tell her to keep any messages/notes/documents...anything that proves he was financially abusing her. Then make plans to leave. She can’t spend her life being trapped like this. I agree that she is unlikely to go to prison or have her children remove, most likely be ordered to pay it back.

@PaperTowels

Your poor friend. This is a classic case of coercive control.

As a PP said, she should prepare things in secret rather than discussing it with her abusive husband.

Maybe you could call Women's Aid on her behalf, to get the ball rolling? Explain to them that she can't call them herself right now.

Can I call on her behalf? How will they contact her will they tell her I've told I really don't want to loose her trust, She's just texted saying she'll call in a few so hopefully I can get her to see it's not the end and she can get away from this man! He doesn't know where I live so I'm gonna offer my home as a safe place for her and her DC, Thankyou ladies for all your advise I'll update after the phone call

That would be an excellent idea if she can safely pack a bag for her and the DC and go to your house that's a great start! The police or a third party can collect the other belongings later when she and DC are safely out of P reach.

I would call womens aid for advice on how you can help her but I don't think they will call her because you ask them to - it may not be safe for her to receive that call etc - all you can do is provide support and give her the tools and opportunity to escape.

Keep reassuring her that she will not have her kids taken away or go to prison, keep reminding her that she is strong and can do this for her and the kids, keep reminding her that you are there for her and they can stay with you immediately when she is ready to leave.

It's scary and you feel powerless but there is a lot you can do just by being there for her and helping when she is ready. It's a massive positive sign that she has told you what is really going on at home.

Thank you so much for helping your friend and I'm glad she can stay with you and he doesn't know where you live. I would make yourself untraceable on social media if he knows your name too.
Tell her to not mention anything to him about leaving and to pack a bag and hide it.
Your poor friend, I really hope she gets away from that evil man
Good luck

Any bags or other things she puts aside for when she leaves would be better kept somewhere else, like at your house, to reduce the chances that he will find them

Sooo.. I have spoken to her today. Gotten more details and feel even more for her! I have offered my house as a safe place for her she was extremely grateful and said she will start making plans to come!
In regards to proof I asked her what she has so it can help her when it comes to the DWP, she thinks she has none? All the money goes into her account which she doesn't have access too, he has her bank card and all the bills etc are in her name and done via direct debit which he has actually cancelled a few of them
He will only allow her shopping if he is with her and has the final say on what they buy food wise. I seem to be the only person she's allowed to meet.
I have told her all this amazing advise and told her to stop threatening to leave as it might turn bad.

I am honestly so stumped on how to help in regards to the claim i an more than happy to have her in my house but I fear she won't leave until she knows she won't get into to much trouble! I have told her the most she'll have to pay it back

That's good that you've spoken to her, and that she's going to stop talking about leaving him.

She really needs to call Women's Aid herself, and get to the CAB if she can.

This might seem a bit mad but if he works during the day. Could you ring her from a with held number for a few minutes pretending to be from dwp obviously tell her the plan first incase he has cameras in the house listening to everything you never know? Then she cud ring him at work saying they want to interview her on record as they believe she's claiming and lives with a partner who works and she has been reported for benefit fraud but before this go the bank ask them can they cancel her bank card that he's got and collect a new one in person or send it to you explain the control abuse situation? They must have something in place for this.? Then go to this pretend interview and say she has confessed as they said if she does they will be more lenient and if not she will end up in court as they have enough evidence to charge with benefit fraud. This stops the blackmailing.
Tell him they have put a stop to her claim then hopefully he will support her financially or move out then she can control her own money get an escape fund without him knowing. I really feel for her as this is an awful situation to be in. Good luck op.

If the bank account is in her name she can have them cancel the card and direct debits when she leaves. They should be able to do that pretty fast.

If she calls womens aid they should be able to get her housing relatively quickly too, they may have a refuge B&B space immediately available and will be able to help her with any information and forms she needs.