Feeling sad in my loveless marriage

[MelissaHR]

Hi😀

I was wondering if anyone feels the same as I do. I have been with my husband for 13 years and married for 6 years. We have two boys together who are 3 and 6. Being honest I think we have been living in a loveless marriage for many years.

When we first met I adored him so much however he just didn’t want me back he just wanted to be friends. I used to take him out and pay for lovely dinners and days out just so I could spend time with him. We always had a lovely time and I just hoped that one day he would want to be more than friends. Looking back now I can see I was ridiculous and should of never done this.

After two years we did end up getting in a relationship however I’m sure he just thought all his friends were so wanted to do the same. When out in public he would never hold my hand and really show any affection. Things in time did get better, we were living together, had our first child and when I was 27 he proposed to me (I had said that I wanted to be engaged by 27 so that’s what he did there was no surprise at all he even told me when he was getting the ring). On the day of our marriage he even said to me he’s going to be saying vows and he would mean any of them as we had been arguing. This is something that I still think about now.

I feel now we are only married by paperwork, As there doesn’t seem to bee any love there. He just doesn’t like me. He will always take it the other persons side and never has my back. It really makes me feel sad. When this happens it makes me think back to when we first met and how I used to put all of the work in for nothing!
He’s a great dad so I would feel so awful for leaving.

Has anyone else lived like this? Or have any tips to try and improve things?

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What example did your parents show you?. Consider all these questions carefully.

Women in poor relationships like this often write the "good dad" comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. Do you really think he is a good dad to his children if you as their mother are being treated like this by him?. The only good thing to have come out of this whole sorry sounding episode for which he has to take responsibility as well as you are your two boys.

What do you want to teach your boys about relationships and what are they learning here. You're teaching them at the very least that a mutually loving and respectful relationship, let alone marriage, is not their birthright. Do you want your relationship example to further become their norm too; some legacy that is to leave them.

Would you want them to have a relationship like this as adults, no you would not. So stop doing your bit here to further teach them that this example of a relationship is somehow still acceptable to you. You and he are fundamentally incompatible and should be apart, you and he are no good together. Better to be apart and happier than to be together locked in your own miseries. There is always a way out and divorce here could be the making of you going forward.

Tips to improve things ? Divorce him

I think you deserve so much better from your life. You sound like a loving, kind and generous person. I think you should start again, date and discover your worth. The kids are young enough and you are young enough. You have so much love to give. There’s somebody out there who can’t wait to be with a warm soul like you. Go find a lovely person. You deserve that from your life. He is never going to be your person.

If all he offers is being a great dad. You leaving would not stop him being that.
He also sounds very unhappy, however my experience has often been that men are reluctant to admit that.

If all your relationship is about if coparenting then you dont need to be in a romantic relationship or marriage to do that well.

Start imagining a life on your own and picture if you would be better off or if things would be easier. Children will be aware of their parents unusual relationship. Even if you dont believe they are. Kids dont miss a trick.

Both you and he deserve to be happy and sometimes as sad and huge as that is. It means not together x

I am puzzled why you chased after him so much at the beginning. He was/is clearly an emotionally unavailable man. As another poster has asked, what did you learn when you grew up? Were your parents emotionally distant from you and you chased them for attention? I sadly agree with you, you are married only through the paperwork. Very sad indeed. Learn from this and never chase an unavailable man again, it never works out. Go your own separate ways as he can still be a good dad. He is probably as miserable as you are and thats not good in anyones books.

Unfortunately when you are someone’s “settle’ then this is what happens. It happened to me. I wanted my exh from the moment I saw him. He was my true love. I wasn’t his sadly. We were together 20 years and I always had the feeling that he just wasn’t into me like I was him.

It’s my own fault it lasted as long as it did but I adored him. He didn’t adore me and eventually left me for someone else.

I wanted half my adult life with him.

He truly broke my heart.