Advice needed..

[Butterfly4321]

First time poster but long term lurker.

I am feeling so cut up and vulnerable.

However. I am seriously considering leaving my DP of 3.5 years. We have 1 DC together age 1. The relationship has been toxic at points but my reason for leaving is his family. I just can’t stand them. He invalidates my feelings about them and forces me to apologise when they’ve done really horrible things and tortured me mentally.

I am looking for advice on how to cope. I am telling him tonight i want him to leave. I have tried and tried to brush it under the carpet but i can’t anymore. I do love him dearly but i cannot go on having my feelings forgotten about.

Any tips on method of distraction once he leaves. How to stop myself from texting him. Basically how to carry on my life without him. I have a tendency to leave and beg him back. But this time I really don’t want that. I want him to see and understand I’m very serious that I’m unhappy with him invalidating my feelings. I am a skivvy, housewife and someone to have sex with. Its barley even a relationship. I am broken. Things have gone so well recently but I cannot be forced to do things and make apologies without any in return. There is a massive backstory but it would be outing. There is no one i can speak to in RL.

Sorry you're going through this op.
I think it's important to think on this: he knows how hurtful his behaviour is. It's obvious that failing to support your partner when she is being systimatically bullied by your family, is hurtful. He.gets.it.

So if you're tempted to sweep his behaviour under the carpet again, think about this. Think about how you would feel if someone you cared for was hurting and what you would do in order to stop it. Why isnt he doing this? Simple: Because he doesn't care about your feelings.

YOU have to put YOU first. Because he never will. Infact, he only cares about himself and his needs. That isnt love...its indifference. Perhaps even contempt.

Practically, are you going to feel safe asking him to leave? Is the house yours? What steps do you need to take to get him gone? Focus on those and worry about the rest later. One step at a time.

You are not in love with this person. You are in love with what you want him to be.

Once you are free, you'll gradually come to realise this.

Use this post to offload mentally, to write what he’s done that hurts. Then keep reading it before you want to message him. Be kind to yourself x

What are your practical plans about leaving? Where will you live? Do you have any income? With a 1 year old child to care for, they are your priorities.
If I'm honest, your OP doesn't read like someone who is ready to split. More like a desire for him to change, so that you can stay. You aren't married, so splitting is relatively easy.

I want him to see and understand I’m very serious that I’m unhappy with him invalidating my feelings.

That won't happen. It's also irrelevant once you end the relationship. It's not why you end a toxic relationship.

If that's your motivation for telling him to leave then you're going to end up begging him to return again, because you are not serious about ending it.

What is your plan if he refuses to leave?
Or kicks off?
Or blames you?
Or promises you the earth on a stick?
What is your financial plan?
Can you afford to stay in your current home alone?
Childcare plan?
Support network?

You are not in love with this person. You are in love with what you want him to be.

Agree with this.